Live Love Lily
by Heraclas
Summary: "Want to make him jealous?" James whispered in my ear. I looked again at Severus. His eyes were still on me. "Yes," I growled recklessly. James flipped me around, pulled me up to his body and kissed me before I had the slightest idea of what he was doing.
1. Livid Lily

**A/N: Hello everyone! So, it was only a week ago that I published my last chapter to the ****Chauvinistic Stag****, but I'm already ready to go with a new story… I think. It will definitely be different - mostly revolving around the love triangle between Severus, Lily, and James. **

**Please let me what you think. Lily is going to have quite a strong character, and I'm not sure if I'm overdoing it, so your advice will be HUGELY appreciated. **

**Oh, and reviews = motivation. ;)**

**Thanks and I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Livid Lily_

I was livid? No. Enflamed? No. Infuriated? No. Incensed, irate, furious? No, no, no! None of these adjectives remotely captured the indescribable rage I was feeling as I stared up at the scarlet hangings of my four poster bed. And as I stared at the hangings longer, noticing every crease, ripple, and wrinkle in the fabric, I realized I was so unbelievably angry because I didn't want to hurt.

_That's comforting_, I laughed to myself, sarcastically.

What the bloody hell had happened to him? He was now just as bad as everyone; as James, as Sirius, as the rest of the disgusting Slytherins. Putting down other people - _does it really make you feel better? _Sure as hell doesn't do it for me. I prefer to top everyone in charms, or James in transfiguration, or the ruddy Slytherins in potions - especially Severus.

His name echoed through my head like a broken record player, irritating the living daylights out of me. So much for best friends. So much for not caring that I'm muggleborn. So much for -

The dormitory door creaked opened.

"Lily?" Alice asked, tentatively.

I took a deep breath before responding, reminding myself that I was not mad at Alice. "Yes?"

"He wants to talk to you."

"Tell James to shove a poker up his backside," I replied.

"No, not James," she said. "Snape."

"Oh, in that case, tell him to -"

"I'm not telling that creep anything," Alice interrupted flatly.

I pulled back my hangings and glared at my best friend. She didn't remotely back down. She just raised her eyebrows and fed just as determined of a look back at me. Okay, two strong personalities sometimes don't mix. I took a deep breath again. _I'm not mad at Alice_, I reminded myself. And she was right anyway. She'd been telling me for two years that Severus was a different person - that Slytherin had changed him - and she didn't understand how I could still be friends with him. I hated when other people were right.

"Well I'm not going down there," I stated, crossing my arms across my chest.

The door opened again, and Mary walked into the room.

"He's threatening to sleep outside the portrait hole," she announced.

"Hope he brought a pillow," I replied, rolling my eyes, not at her, but at Severus, and falling back on to my bed. He could sometimes be more stubborn than me, and _that_ was saying something.

"Lily, just because there's no use crying over spilt potion doesn't mean you can just leave it there dirtying up the entrance to our common room," Mary said, knowingly and annoyingly.

I ground my teeth together. I wanted to kick her. But Merlin, she was still bloody right, too. This really was not my night. I sat back up, grumbling, and held out my wand to Alice. "You better hold on to that - angry Lily is not always rational."

Alice took my wand and laughed. "Aw, our Lily is growing up," she joked.

Under normal circumstances I would have cracked a smile. But anger, infuriation, lividity - and hurt - they were suffocating my usual humor. And so, I just trudged to the door.

"Buggers," I complained immaturely, and then I opened the door, and proceeded to the portrait hole.

* * *

Thinking back, I don't actually remember what I said to Severus outside of the common room that night. All I know for certain is that we are no longer friends today. I wouldn't be surprised if, while talking, steam had billowed from my ears or if my eyes had flashed so intensely he was blinded. I was mad and upset, but worst of all, _so_ disappointed. I defended his character to _everyone _in Gryffindor, including the insufferable marauders. And what did I get for it? A figurative slap in the face that's still stinging, a whole month later.

I've now finished up fifth year. It's summer. I'm bored. Petunia's technically still living here, but she has a new boyfriend, Vernon (or should I say Vermin), and honestly, I think I've seen her for a total of four meals since I've been home, all of which, he has also attended. If she doesn't watch out, she's going to soon be Mrs. Dursley and have tubby, spoiled little children, who look just like Vermin - I mean, Vernon. I just hope she never asks me to babysit. Ha. That's a laughable thought.

To appease my boredom, I keep toying with the idea of just camping out in the park, waiting to see if Severus shows up. It really is surprising I haven't come across him at all yet since we've been home. We hung out nearly every day the last four summers, mainly because he never liked to be in his own house. But nonetheless, I've expected to see him. I keep playing the situation out in my head though if I am to see him. I'm sitting on the swings. He approaches me from the alleyway with his usual slouch, we make eye-contact, it's awkward, I stutter, he stutters, and then a handshake, and we're fine! If only it would be that easy to forgive him…

I have to admit, I've completely forgiven him for calling _me _a mudblood. Yeah, it wasn't nice, but we all get mad at our friends and say things we don't mean sometimes, right? I just can't seem to forgive him for his general thinking these days, his faith in those horrible monsters Avery and Mulciber, and the fact that there's an actual possibility he may join Voldemort. I mean, seriously, I defended him to all of my friends. Why can't he stand up to those slimeballs and do the same?

"I'm off to meet Tina, Lily! I'll be back in a few hours!" my mom called, disrupting my pointless train of thought.

"Have fun!" I hollered back. Tina was her long-time friend from secondary school. They met probably once a month to catch up on gossip, and could stay gabbing at a table for hours. I'd see her at dinner. I heard the front door shut and her car start in the driveway, and I watched from my bedroom window as she pulled into the street. I followed her car with my eyes as she drove away until it reached the corner, and then my eyes rested on the park and stayed staring at the swings in the distance. My dad was at work, and wouldn't be home for five or so more hours.

Still watching the swings, which were swaying slightly with the wind, I decided I would wander over to the park today. Besides, what else did I have to do? I could write Alice another letter, but she hadn't responded very thoroughly to my first two. She obviously wasn't as bored as me. I grabbed my wand, and tucked it into my jeans and under my shirt, and headed out the front door.

The day was splendid, and instantly confirmed that my escapade outside was a good decision. The sun touched my skin like a warm blanket, but a cool breeze rustled gently through my hair. The neighborhood was quiet; a few kids were laughing down one of the streets nearby, but the park ahead of me was deserted. I slowly approached the swings, looking off in the direction of Severus's neighborhood, which was more disheveled than my own, and wondered what he was doing. I sat down on a swing and five or so minutes ticked by.

Well this was climactic.

"Come on, Severus," I muttered.

I played with the sand below the swings with my sandals, burying my exposed toes, and resurfacing them a few moments later, meanwhile weaving my fingers in and out of the chain-links of the swing. Who was I kidding? If he wanted to talk to me he would seek me out. I mean, he knew where I lived.

"Boo," breathed a voice behind me.

I jumped so much I actually fell out of the swing, landing square in the sand, which resulted in a large amount of uncomfortable pebbles finding their way into my pants.

"Got you," a messy black-haired boy grinned, appearing out of thin air.

"Damn that bloody cloak, Potter. You nearly killed me," I said through gritted teeth, glaring up at him as well as I could.

"It's great to see you too, Evans," James replied, feeding me his perfect half-smile, and holding out a hand to help me to my feet. I ignored it and got up on my own accord.

One of the reasons I despise James Potter so immensely is because I'm so dang-nabbit attracted to him physically. And it drives me crazy because his personality is so insufferably wretched. He creates a constant battle in me - I want him but I hate him. Gar!

"What are you even doing here?" I asked as I attempted to brush the sand off my jeans.

"Just in the neighborhood," James replied, mysteriously.

"You just _happen _to be in the muggle neighborhood _I_ live in, and you just _happen_ to run into _me_," I scoffed. "Likely."

James shrugged, unperturbed. "Okay, my dad's an Auror, and he was assigned a low-risk mission in the area, so he let me tag along - you know it's what I want to do one day." He ran his fingers lazily through his hair, making me want to run _my _fingers through his hair, too. My eyes traveled down James's forehead and to his hazel eyes and he winked.

"See something you like?" James smiled.

"No. Eww," I replied quickly, wrinkling up my nose. "Get a grip, Potter, you know how repulsive I think you are."

"Come on, Evans, give me one date? I can see how bored you are here," James coaxed, nudging my arm with his knuckle. The feel of his hand on my bare skit shot a jolt of - I have no idea what - down my spine like a power surge. I jumped backwards out of his reach.

"Give it up, seriously. I will _never_ date you," I replied, rolling my eyes.

A crash to our left disturbed both James and me from our conversation. A group of teenagers around our age were sauntering down one of the alleyways in the distance, one cackling obnoxiously as he kicked over a trash bin. At first, I didn't recognize them in their muggle clothes, but as they got closer and I looked longer, I couldn't help but gasp.

It was Avery, Mulciber, and Severus, and a tall blonde male who looked like Lucius Malfoy. Malfoy had already graduated, what on earth was he doing with the current Slytherins? Malfoy bent down and grabbed what looked like a tin soup can from this distance, and held it out to the rest of the boys, who all reached out and grabbed it. Somehow Severus must have sensed me looking at him, because as he placed his hand on the object, his head quickly snapped over in my direction. He was too far away for me to discern his expression, but I knew my expression had to be one of extreme shock and sadness, topped with a snippet of anger. Those losers really were why Severus and I were no longer friends. An aching pain developed in my chest that caused my breath to catch, and I quickly tried to quench it with a swallow. So he had really chosen that path.

"Jerk," I muttered, as I kicked at an innocent rock perched obnoxiously jovially in the sand.

"Want to make him jealous?" James whispered in my ear.

I looked again at Severus. His eyes were still on me. "Yes," I growled, recklessly.

James flipped me around, pulled me up to his body, and kissed me before I had the slightest idea of what he was doing. His lips met mine with an undeniable sense of passion, but as he kissed me, his lips moved with a gentleness that made my heart race zealously. My eyes closed on their own accord, the tips of my fingers tingled, my stomach fluttered with butterflies, I couldn't remember how to breathe -

And then my brain turned on.

I pushed James away from me with all of my might, my heart pounding fiercely. "What the bloody hell do you think you are doing?" I yelled, one hand balling instantly into a fist and the other reaching back for my wand.

James looked down at me, smiling in a way I had never seen before. He ran his fingers through his hair again.

"I, uh," he stuttered. Well, at least he seemed about as taken aback as me. He glanced over at the alleyway where the Slytherin's had been, reminding me of why he had kissed me in the first place.

My head quickly turned in the same direction, but there was no one to see. The Slytherins, including Severus, were gone - that tin can had obviously been a portkey. A pit instantly developed in my stomach as I thought of Severus seeing me kiss James just before he left to do something obviously snake-like. Severus hated James - _hated_ _him_ - even more than I did. If this caused him to do something irrational…

"You prat, Potter! You revolting, depraved, obnoxious-"

Beep! Beep! Beep!

Something beeping on James's wrist interrupted my tirade.

"That's Dad. Gotta go, Evans!" he said, and he threw his invisibility cloak back on and disappeared before I could open my mouth to utter a protest.

I stared angrily at the spot where he had been.

"Potter!" I yelled in frustration, with no hope he'd respond. I slumped back down on to the swing, and kicked sand up with my feet repeatedly. My head was spinning so fast I couldn't even order my thoughts. I closed my eyes, pursed my lips, and took a few deep breaths to analyze the occurrences of the last ten minutes logically.

So coming to the park today had been the worst idea ever. Severus was with those evil Slytherins. And James had - honestly, what in Merlin's name was he doing here? Did I even buy his story? I mean, really, what would an auror be doing in a muggle neighborhood anyway?

And then it clicked. The ministry really was worried that Severus and his cronies were considering joining Voldemort. That's why James's father had been sent here - to spy on him. Besides, we were the only witch or wizards for miles, and I definitely knew I wasn't doing anything worth auror interest.

So the last thing Severus saw before disappearing to wherever to meet Death Eaters, most likely, was me and James -

I suddenly dug my toes down deeper in the sand, my head no longer spinning in a bowl of confusion. My stomach clenched as I realized my anger really wasn't due to Severus at all - I was livid because my heart was still fluttering from the effect of that kiss. James Potter had kissed me, and I had actually enjoyed it.

* * *

**A/N: Wapow! First chapter done! Hope you liked! If you did or didn't, could you let me know? That REVIEW feature is really helpful to me. THANKS!**

**Later days, **

**Kate**


	2. Lonely Lily

**A/N: 'Merlin's Beard' may be a part of my everyday speech.**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Lonely Lily_

The summer snailed by after that fateful day at the park. I'm not sure if it was because I couldn't get that kiss with James out of my head or because I kept thinking about what dark deeds Severus could possibly be up to or because I literally had nothing but housewife activities with my mum to keep me busy, but the arrival of my Hogwarts letter had NEVER been more welcomed to me. And with my Hogwarts letter came my prefect badge renewal and my OWL results, which left me very smug indeed. Thirteen OWLs? Um, hell yes. Eleven outstandings and two exceeds expectations - I was set up to pursue any career I wanted. Granted, I had no idea what I wanted to be in only two years time. Coming from a muggle family left with me very little knowledge of wizarding careers. I figured I'd just sign up for as many classes as McGonogall would allow in order to keep my options as open as possible.

A few days before term, I ventured back to the park one final time on a particularly scorching day. The weather was dry and the sun was hot, leaving me sweating slightly as I sat down at the swings. I didn't go to the park with the intention of seeking out Severus like I had the time I had ventured here before. I had given up on that. He chose Avery and Mulciber. I chose - well - boredom, but that was better than the path to becoming a Death Eater.

I toyed with my toes in the sand, slightly lost in thought about the upcoming sixth year. My stomach dropped when the thought of seeing James every day again popped into my head. I dreaded especially our first run-in - how would he act now that he had kissed me? Would he tell his friends what had happened? Would they ridicule me too?

I ignored the butterflies that were now fluttering in my stomach and forced my mind to think about school work. No huge exams, like OWLs or NEWTs, to anticipate, which was nice, but classes probably wouldn't be any less difficult. The teachers would ensure that. I looked over at the spot in the park where Severus had first told me that I was a witch. That seemed so long ago, yet I truly couldn't believe I only had two years left at Hogwarts. I frowned slightly. Merlin, I missed Severus. I missed my oldest wizarding friend.

"Hi Lily," a voice behind me said. I didn't jump like I had when James had surprised me, but my unsuspecting heart definitely skipped a few beats. I swiveled quickly on the swing.

"Oh hi, Sev," I replied, surprised he had snuck up on me so easily and truthfully surprised he was talking to me. My eyes rolled over his appearance, and I noticed he was looking particularly better than summers previous. He had on nicer clothes, and his hair looked well-cleaned and cut. It was still long and black, and hung around his face in sheets. That scruffy edge that always surrounded him when he was living at his mother's place was seemingly absent.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Fine, you?" I replied.

"Doing well," he said. Our eyes met, and I lost my breath for a moment. There was an air about him, a confidence - evident even in his dark eyes - that I had never seen before.

"You look d-different," I stuttered, my eyes again raking in his appearance.

He smiled. "Do you like it?" he asked.

I started to nod, and then stopped myself, realizing he probably now looked different because of his Slytherin ways. Did this mean it was official? Was he really now a Death Eater? Did the Death Eaters enhance his appearance in exchange for his loyalty? I felt my mouth go dry with the thought.

"What's wrong with you, Lily?" Severus asked with a smirk. I looked at him incredulously. Severus was actually _smirking_ at me? What had _happened_ to him?

"Nothing is wrong with me," I replied hastily. I was going to get to the bottom of why he was being so different, and if he did join Voldemort, why he was even bothering to talk to me. "So how was your summer? What did you do?"

"Nothing special," he shrugged, and he took a seat on the swing next to me. Okay, so this was the game he was going to play - pretend as if nothing was unusual. Fine, I could dig, and so I took out my figurative shovel.

"What were Avery and Mulciber doing here?" I asked him.

He glanced over at me like he was surprised I had dared to ask. I raised my eyebrows expectantly waiting for his response. "Just hanging out," he finally replied.

I rolled my eyes. "Right, like you and your Slytherin pals are going to hang out in a muggle neighborhood by choice. I'm not an idiot, Severus. Why was Malfoy here? And where did you go that day with the portkey?"

I noticed his jaw clenched when I asked this. "That's not your business," he finally replied, and he stood up from the swing. "I'm leaving, Lily. See you at school." And he turned his back on me and started walking away.

I watched Severus's retreating figure, my mouth slightly open in shock. Who the bloody hell was that? That was not the Severus I had grown up with - who told me everything - who was shy and conservative and caring. I slammed my jaw shut. I had half a mind to just let him carry on to his dark lair of a house (who bloody needs him anyway?) but I think I must have a problem with letting things, like best friends, go, because before I truly realized what I was doing, I was up off my swing and swiftly trotting to catch up to him.

"Why did you come here?" I called after him. He turned, slowly, his face stern and unreadable.

"I just saw you sitting here. I thought I'd say 'hi'," he replied, like this was obvious.

"But why? Why bother to say hi to your lowly _mudblood_ neighbor?" My voice was starting to shake. I was getting irrationally angry, but he was frustrating me beyond comprehension. Why was he being so vague? Why was he now so different? I needed Alice here to give her my wand.

"We're friends, Lily," he said, his dark eyes pouring into mine. I was finding it hard to even blink.

"Ar-re we?" I stuttered. "Friends don't keep secrets, you know," I continued, gaining back my voice. "They don't lie, either."

"Really now?" he argued. "So why then have you not told me anything about Potter?" His voice was incredibly spiteful as he spat out James's name, and his eyes turned to ice, no longer appearing emotionless.

I rolled my eyes. "Maybe because there's nothing to _tell_ about Potter, Severus. I still hate him every ounce as much as I used to! He only kissed me to make _you_ jealous!"

"Jealous? Why on earth would _that_ make me jealous? I can do better than the likes of a m- girl like you," he snapped, though his cheeks turned slightly red, and I definitely caught his mishap.

I threw my hands down in frustration and turned away from him. That was harsh, and unexpected. I took a deep breath, realizing I was fighting a losing battle. Severus was different - I no longer knew him. I slowly turned to look at him. Well, I was going to leave this conversation by at least taking the last stab, and maybe twisting the knife a little.

"Well, thanks, Severus," I stated as steadily as I could.

"For what?" he replied.

"For helping me figure out what I want to become. See, I was struggling earlier today with my decision of what career I want to pursue after graduation. You just helped me figure it out - Auror - so that way I can try to prevent dark wizards like Voldemort from recruiting great guys like you.

"Severus, I liked you, I really did. But I don't like you, or even remotely know you, anymore. You do realize that Voldemort wants to rid the world of people exactly like me, right? Don't you remember telling me when we were ten that it didn't matter that I had muggle parents? What happened to that guy?"

I looked at him, waiting for his response, but it never came, so I continued on my rant - the part that I hoped would twist the knife slightly.

"Well, if the old you ever comes back, I'd love to be friends again - I miss you - so let me know." And I turned on my heel and walked back to my house without looking back once.

* * *

So my knife twisting apparently did not have the effect that I hoped it would as Severus didn't follow me as I turned away from him, nor did he seek to talk to me the rest of the summer. And so, I could take a hint - he didn't want to be friends. He's a stupid git. A really, really stupid git. Without question, it's a sincerely terrible feeling when you think you know a person - and you think truly, deep down, they're a good person - but then you come to realize that you're just flat out wrong. And obviously, with Severus, I had been dead wrong in my judgment of his character.

I prepared to leave home for Hogwarts with a slightly subdued mentality on September the first. My mum and dad had taken Severus to the train station every year since our second year to spare his mother the drive. Obviously this year, as Severus and I weren't talking, I had to come up with lousy excuses as to why Severus wasn't going to be making the trip with us.

"You're sure Severus doesn't need a ride, Lily?" my mom asked for at least the twelfth time that day as I loaded my final belongings into the car.

"Positive, mum, _really_," I replied, rolling my eyes at the trunk of the car as I attempted to wedge my school trunk slightly better - if only I could use magic, this would be so much easier.

"Hi," a voice said quietly directly behind me, causing me to jump and hit my head on the trunk's lid.

"Ouch!" I yelped, throwing my hand up to my head and rubbing it. I turned around and thought wildly for a second that I had hit my head even harder than I had initially conceived. I gave my head a little shake to make sure the person in front of me was real. Yep. Severus was standing there.

"Er, hi," I replied, still rubbing me head.

"Sorry to scare you," he mumbled. "Er, could I get a ride?"

My eyes narrowed at him on their own accord. "Why?" I responded. But my mom had spotted him.

"Oh hello, Severus!," she greeted him, happily. She held out her hand, and he shook it. "I thought Lily said she you weren't coming!" She shot a puzzled look at me, but shrugged it away. "Well, anyway, hurry up, better stow your trunk. We must be on our way in the next few minutes! I'm going to nip inside and grab your father, Lily."

When the door to my house shut, I rounded on Severus.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I, er, need a ride," he mumbled. "And I was hoping to talk to you," he added, in an even softer tone.

"Well, you better say what you need to quickly. Remember, we can't 'Muffliato' them - they're muggles," I replied, a little more harshly than was necessary.

Severus picked up his trunk and began to wedge it in next to mine. I waited for a moment for him to begin speaking, but he didn't, so I grabbed my snowy owl, Tris, off the curb and placed her in the backseat between where Severus and I would be sitting. She would serve as a buffer. Perfect.

Severus mumbled something just as I was shutting the back door.

"Er, sorry?" I replied, sincerely not knowing what he had said.

"I miss you, too," Severus said.

I looked up at him, surprised, but waited for him to say more. He didn't.

"Well, chop chop, you two! In the car!" my dad called, as he turned to lock up the front door to our house. My mom shuffled over to the passenger's seat.

I gave Severus a shrug, and turned and got into the car, too. I determinedly didn't look at him as I sat in the car. I just stared at the back of my mom's head and politely responded to any questions my parents asked, though secretly lost in thought.

So Severus missed me. Hearing that partially felt good and partially felt unimportant. He missed me, okay, but was he still going to pursue the path towards becoming a Death Eater? Really, it was one thing to miss me, but completely another thing to join a group a people who wanted all people like me either basically enslaved or dead. And honestly, what did 'missing me' even mean? Did he want to be friends again? Or was he just acknowledging how good our friendship used to be?

"Muffliato," Severus muttered, waving his wand at my parents.

I snapped my head over to him. "You're taking the blame from mad Mathilda if a letter comes."

"It won't. How would they even track us? We're in a moving vehicle - by the time the owl gets to where we are, we'll be long gone," he replied.

I opened my mouth to argue, but he had a point, so I closed it. Plus the cat was out of the bag anyway now - I mean, really, the charm was already cast - may as well put it to use.

"Lily," Snape started, leaning back so he could look at me through the bars of Tris's cage, "I'm friends with Avery and Mulciber, just like you're friends with Mary and Alice. I live with them. They're in my house." He was talking like this statement had been rehearsed.

"Severus, I get that, I do, but they're changing you and I don't think that you see it," I replied.

"You really think I've changed? You weren't just saying that because you were angry?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied immediately. "I honestly can hardly pretend I know you any longer. I saw you, what, twice all summer? I mean really, _all summer_?" I repeated and emphasized. "We used to spend _all summer_ together. And now you won't even tell me what you did during the summer."

"I was just hanging out with them," he tried to reply casually, referring to Avery and Mulciber.

"And your new clothes have given you a new attitude," I added.

"What kind of attitude?" he asked.

I shrugged. "Honestly, when we talked a few days ago, you kind of reminded me of Potter."

He shut his eyes as I said James's name and I could visibly see him clench his jaw.

"I mean, not really," I quickly backtracked, realizing comparing Severus to James was only going to make Severus irrationally upset. Comparing Severus to James - now that was like taking a stab at Severus and twisting the knife at least 14 times. Severus turned away from me and looked out the window. A few seconds ticked by. We were getting close to the train station.

"Severus, are you a Death Eater now?" I asked bluntly.

He turned and looked at me, his eyes again empty and emotionless. Really, how did he do that? "No," he replied. I stared into his eyes searching for any sign of feeling. Nothing. Okay, I had no reason not to believe him.

I smiled to try to lighten up the situation. It didn't work, so I nodded instead. "Well, I would like to be friends again, then. For as long as you're not a Death Eater, I would like to be friends with you," I said firmly.

Snape nodded. "I won't become a Death Eater," he said. And then his face lightened up significantly and he held his hand out around Tris's cage. "Friends?" he asked.

"Friends," I replied, shaking his hand. I smiled, and this time he smiled, too.

* * *

My parents had to drop us off at the loading curb because the parking lot was completely full. My mom fretfully said goodbye, exclaiming how uncomfortable she was not walking us to the platform. We both had to repeatedly ensure her that at sixteen years of age, we could walk the 500 meters to the platform on our own just fine. After a few tears on her end, and two giant hugs from each parent, Severus and I were finally able to make our way to the platform. Tris hooted excitedly as we leaned casually into the barrier between platforms 9 and 10, the scarlet steam engine greeting us as soon as we passed through it. On platform 9 3/4, students were running about in every direction, hurriedly giving last hugs to parents and siblings, and chasing their cats that had slinked away in all of the excitement. I couldn't stop myself from smiling. It felt so good to be back.

"Well then, shall we stow our stuff? I'll have to nip to the prefects carriage in a few minutes," I said, turning around to Severus. He nodded his head in agreement, but I couldn't help but notice how he was glancing around, almost nervously.

"What's up?" I asked him, my own smile faltering.

"Nothing," Severus said, hurriedly, and he began pulling his trunk towards one of the cars. "Let's get on the train."

I shrugged and followed him, but I had an overwhelming feeling my renewed friendship with Severus was going to soon fail - something just still wasn't right with him. Oh well, innocent until proven guilty, right? Or was he technically already guilty based on his past record, and I was letting him try to prove his innocence?

"You're sure dangerous with a trunk, Evans," a voice said, pulling me from my train of thought. I glanced up, and James and Sirius were walking over towards me. I gulped, my brain instantly flashing back to that day in the park. I averted my eyes down. _No, don't think about kissing James. Don't!_

"You nearly squashed that girl's toad," he continued, smiling and nodding his head behind me. I turned around and saw a blonde second year scooping up her toad and turning to glare at me.

"S-sorry," I squeaked at her, but she just turned and walked away, her nose in the air. Wow, did I really just squeak? I almost laughed at myself. I was not going to let James Potter affect me. I swallowed and turned back to James and Sirius.

"Woops?" I smiled innocently. James and Sirius both laughed at me. I stared at the two boys, waiting for Sirius to make some sort of immature kissing noise or reference. Surely James had told him what had happened. But instead a moment of awkward silence passed between us.

"So do you need help getting that beast on the train?" James asked, referring to my trunk.

"Oh no, I'm with - er -" I looked around for Severus, but he was nowhere to be seen. Was he already on the train? Well, I knew for certain that there was no way I was getting that trunk on to the train by myself. "-er, actually, yes, help would be great."

"At your service then, Miss Evans," Sirius bowed. "Too bad we can't charge for this," he muttered.

I laughed. "I'll go easy on you the first time you deserve a house-point deduction."

"Ok, fine," Sirius responded, as he grabbed one end of the trunk and James grabbed the other. They lifted my trunk like it was weightless, and within seconds it seemed, stowed it snugly in the luggage compartment. I followed the two onto the train, glancing into the nearby cars for any sign of Severus. Nothing. Where had he gone off to?

"Thanks guys, I really appreciate it," I said.

"Course, Evans," James replied, feeding me that alluring half-smile. I smiled back at him, and then at Sirius.

Well, our first run-in since that day in the park had been - wow, I couldn't believe I was admitting this to myself - _pleasant_. I think this was possibly the first time I had found any interaction with James even remotely civil. Weird. And it appeared he hadn't told his buddies about our kiss over the summer. How excellent! The train whistled, reminding me that I needed to head to the prefect's meeting.

"Well, I have to get up to the front car. See you both later," I said.

"Yep, we're back that way. Toodles, Lily," Sirius responded, pointing past me.

James started walking forward, and I thought he was going to pass on my right, so I moved left, but apparently he thought I was moving to my right, so he moved to my left as well. Quickly, we both tried to recover, and both moved right, then left again.

I laughed awkwardly and stopped moving, and James finally found his way around me on my right.

"Ha. Bye, Evans," James said, as he carried on down the corridor.

"Bye," I replied. Well, of course, we just had to add a little more awkwardness to that interaction, now didn't we?

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**A/N: Please help me! How do you like the characters? You can let me know through that handly little review future - ya know, the blue button that says "Review this story." :)**

**Btw - James Potter's 50th is tomorrow! So happy bday JP! Almost over the hill! HA. Ok, yep, I'm a nerd. Lol, hope you enjoyed the chapter.**


	3. Learning Lily

**A/N: GAR, so I met a boy. We dated, like um, three weeks. Lol, I must say, total waste of time. Alas, even so, I may die alone with cats. And I think I'm allergic to cats. HA. How sad. But really, you live you learn, ya? And the more you experience, the better the storyteller you become. Hopefully, at least. Ehem, where are you James Potter? Well, def enough chitchat from me. Enjoy chapter three. **

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Live Love Lily

_Learning Lily_

My head was humming with thoughts as I sat in the prefects' carriage, listening to the new Head Boy and Girl give us the same debrief we had received in the previous year - don't abuse our privilege to deduct house points, patrol the corridors one night a week, report serious misconduct to the professors - blah, blah, blah.

James and Severus's faces swam into my head, and I found myself ignoring the droning voice of the Head Girl and instead drowning in my intrigue of the actions of both boys earlier in the day. James was polite, amiable, and helpful. Wow. I had never associated a single one of those adjectives with him, ever. Maybe this was a slightly new James emerging? Well, that would be nice, I shrugged. Did that change how I felt about James or how I would treat him in the future? I shrugged again. Probably not. If I discovered he had really, truly changed _maybe_ I would look at him in a new light. I shrugged one more time. I was skeptical of that ever actually happening.

Severus, on the other hand, had surprised me in the opposite way. Granted, I never expected him to talk to me again after our errr, _interesting_ talk at the park, and because he did talk to me again, this attempt at making amends truly spurred a desire in me to forgive him. I bit my lip slightly. Really, I desperately wanted my old friend back. But I couldn't tell whether the person he'd become was the same person who had been my old friend. One of the unmistakable ways to know whether a person is still true is through the expression in his eyes. And Severus had no expression in his eyes. Really, it irked me. So how was I to know whether his words or actions held any bearing?

I glanced out the window. I had an odd feeling in my stomach. For a long time, I had been sure that a guy like Severus was exactly who I wanted to end up with in the long run. I was moderately attracted to him (though not like I was James), and I loved his intelligence, and his genuineness, and his modesty, and his innocence. I frowned slightly. I couldn't believe it, but I was truly unsure whether he still held three of four of those qualities. Yes, he would always be smart, but could he have lost the person I thought he was at his core?

No. I shook my head slightly. This contradicted one of my most firm beliefs that people don't really change. Just like I was unwilling to accept that there was a remote possibility that James was becoming a slightly better person, I also wasn't going to accept that Severus was losing the characteristics I had always treasured in him.

I nodded my head slightly. Yes, the Severus I knew was still in there somewhere. He had to be.

"You coming, Lily?"

Startled, I jumped, swiveled in my seat, and looked over at Remus, who was standing in the middle of the nearly empty compartment. I smiled slightly embarrassed.

"How was your summer?" I asked, trying to rapidly recover for my obvious daydream. Remus smiled hugely as I got up from my seat, something he really didn't do that frequently. It made me smile wider, too.

"Great, honestly, really great," he said, that smile still splattered on his face.

"Ya?" I replied, truly intrigued by his happiness. "What did you do?"

"Just hung out with James and Sirius and Peter a lot," he replied, though he averted his eyes so I could tell he wasn't telling me something. He was still smiling broadly though so I lost the heart to pursue the topic, as he clearly didn't want to detail it further.

"I'm sure you guys have plenty of pranks planned out for the rest of the year now," I joked, and Remus nodded his head, grinning.

"So did you have a good summer? James mentioned he ran into you once," Remus asked.

I felt myself blush as I flashed back on my 'run-in' with James. "Er, yeah, I saw him once. Er, and the rest of my summer was fine. I'm happy to be back though," I managed to say.

"Of course," Remus responded, though he had to yell slightly as he was now leading me out of the first compartment into the busy train hallway. Students were slamming open compartment doors and screeching obnoxious greetings at seemingly anyone who passed. I was nearly taken out by a third-year Hufflepuff with lime-green hair who was running with frog spawn after a squealing girl.

"I don't remember being this crazy," I hollered to Remus over the ruckus.

"Haha, you forget, Lily," Remus yelled back over his shoulder.

"Okay, I did have a couple battles with James in these hallways," I conceded.

"And they looked just about exactly like that one we just passed, though I think James's hair was more of an aquamarine," Remus replied.

"Point made," I replied. "Oh, there's Alice!"

I spotted my best friend in the next compartment, though I also instantly noticed the compartment was very full. Mary was sitting next to her, closest to the door, and Frank, a Gryffindor seventh year, was on her other side. The rest of the Gryffindor 7th year boys were opposite them. I glanced at Frank and Alice again. They were sitting awfully close. Wait, did he have his arm around her?

I opened the compartment door.

"Lily!" Alice screeched, just like a second year, and she jumped up from her seat and gave me a hug.

"Hi!" I replied excitedly. "And hi, Mary!" I said to our other roommate. I gave her a hug as well. "And hi guys!" I said to everyone else in the room.

"Hi Remus," Mary said, as the rest of the 7th year boys said their hellos to me. I was too distracted to pay attention to anyone other than Alice though as I saw her settling down in her spot next to Frank. I raised my eyebrows at her, and she smiled bashfully.

"So, Frank and I are dating," she said, finally. "We have been since just after school ended."

"What!" I exclaimed, "That long? And you didn't tell me?"

"I didn't want to jinx it," she smiled innocently. "Sorry?" she offered.

"Haha, so that's why you were so lame with your owl responses," I laughed.

She nodded, and glanced over at Frank. He held out his hand to me.

"Well, I expect I'll be seeing more of you, Lily," he said, as I reached my hand out and shook his.

"I suppose so," I smiled. I glanced around the room, confirming there was no way I could fit. "Well, I best be off to find a seat. See you guys at school," I said, as I waved around the room.

"Want me to come with?" Alice asked, as I started following Remus out the door.

"No way," I laughed, turning back to her, and she smiled her thanks and snuggled slightly closer to Frank.

After I was sure the door had shut snuggly behind us, I turned to Remus.

"I can't believe they're finally dating! And she didn't tell me until now!" I exclaimed, shaking my head slightly but still smiling for the happiness of my best friend.

"Not exactly a surprise, and definitely about time," Remus replied, turning his head slightly because he was now walking ahead of me down the hall.

I nodded, walking behind him in slight awe that my best friend now had a boyfriend. I was glancing into the compartment windows, not really paying attention to anyone behind the glass. Honestly, I had dated a few people, but no one who I ever actually considered to be a boyfriend. But really, we were 16 now. My classmates were due to start dating seriously, right? Granted, I never thought my best friend would be first.

I stopped suddenly, spotting Severus sitting with the Slytherins of his year. He glanced up at me, and I smiled and waved. His face remained expressionless, and I furrowed my brow at him in confusion. In response, he jumped up out of his seat and walked into the hallway, shutting the compartment door behind him tightly.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I replied, surprised he hadn't just waved back at me and actually came out of his compartment to greet me. Remus heard Severus talking to me and stopped and turned around. Of all of the Gryffindor 6th years, he was the most tolerant of my friendship with Severus, and so he stood their, waiting patiently.

"I, er, lost you earlier," I said.

"Yeah, sorry about that," he replied. "I spotted Mulciber and Avery and knew you'd be heading to the prefects' carriage."

I raised my eyebrows slightly. Couldn't he have at least said 'goodbye' to me? "No problem. James and Sirius were around to help me stow my trunk."

A slightly sour look appeared on Severus's face at the mention of James and Sirius. "That's good," he recovered, removing the sour look on his face.

I nodded, and then we stood there silently. "Okay, well I'm going to go find a seat," I said. I half-wanted Severus to invite me to sit with him, but as I glanced past him at the rest of the Slytherin six years staring out the window at us, I knew that wasn't happening. He noticed where I was looking, and I saw him awkwardly swallow.

"See you at school," Severus said.

"Yep," was all I could manage to reply. I turned to start down the hall, but Severus grabbed my arm.

"I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear, sending a chill down my spine, and before I could turn around, I heard his compartment door open and shut behind him.

I glanced over my shoulder, verifying the compartment door was in fact shut and Severus was in fact gone. I found I had an urge to go throw open the door and confront Severus. But when I thought about what I'd say to him, I realized, I didn't have anything to say. I just didn't like what was going on between us. Something was wrong, but I couldn't quite tell what. And I knew he could sense the same thing or he wouldn't have apologized in the first place. Perhaps time would heal whatever it was that was off between us? I grumbled. That really didn't seem too promising. I ground my teeth together and trudged onward after Remus, slightly more annoyed by the screeching second years still playing in the corridors.

Suddenly Remus stopped in front of me, and I realized we had arrived at the last compartment on the train.

"You're welcome to sit with us, Lily," Remus said, before he opened the door.

I looked into the compartment, and Peter and James were laughing loudly at something Sirius had just said. James had that wretched snitch in his hand. As expected, after their laughing had calmed, he let the little gold ball flutter out in front of him once, pulling it quickly back into his chest.

"Oh, no it's okay…" I said backing up, and ready to turn back around.

"Come off it, Lily, we walked the whole train. There was no where else to sit, other than with first years."

"Better than here," I muttered, though Remus didn't hear me. He opened the door expectantly and waited for me to walk in first. I was now kicking myself slightly for not forcing Alice to find a seat with me.

It was almost in slow motion that I walked into the compartment. The conversation stopped instantly, and James's expression visibly changed from happiness to obvious surprise.

"Remus invited me," I said, redirecting the boy's attention. I grabbed the seat closest to the door, which left about two feet of space between James and I, and instantly pulled out my new potions book. I flipped to page 33.

"Moony!"

"Shh!" Sirius snapped at Peter.

"Sorry," Peter whispered.

I hid my face more in my book, pretending not to have heard them. But I thought further on what Peter had slipped. Moony? Well duh, Remus was a werewolf, why was that such a secretive name?

"What's she doing here?" I heard James mutter quietly to Remus, who had sat down in between James and me.

"I was just dying to see your face, Potter," I interrupted, as Remus opened his mouth to respond, my head still in my book.

"It is nice, James," Sirius winked. "Definitely why I'm sitting here."

"Well then, sounds like you'd of course say 'yes' to a date with me and my face, now wouldn't you, Evans?" James replied to me.

I rolled my eyes, still holding up my book and not looking at him. Okay, I'd asked for that. I read the ingredient "beetle eyes" four times, ordering my brain to think fast with a comeback. _Ah yes_, I smiled. "Problem is, more than just your face would come along. And I don't much like the rest of you."

"Zing," chimed Sirius.

I audibly heard James grumble, and then he pulled up his snitch and let it flutter out in front of him. I forced my mind to read the next ingredients. Then stir clockwise eight times. Add steamed lacewing flies. Stir once more clockwise. _Flutter, flutter, flutter. Snatch_. Peter clapped. I really hated that damned snitch.

"You're not even a bloody seeker," I complained, setting my book down and looking past Remus at James.

"Ah, but this snitch is from when I _was_ seeker," James replied.

I raised my eyebrows.

"Game against Hufflepuff last year. McKinnon's arms had sprouted feathers and his fingers turned to claws. Yeah, well as you can imagine, it's a little hard to catch the snitch with eight-inch nails. And so the team shuffled the players around and I played seeker. Did you seriously not go?"

I shrugged. "Guess not."

James looked slightly put out.

"Well James caught that snitch," Remus said, pointing at the gold ball in James's hand.

"And so it flashed him," Sirius snickered.

The rest of the boys snickered, too. Of course, Sirius would make a joke regarding the snitch's 'flash memory' ability. "Clever," I muttered sarcastically.

"Oh stop being such a negative niffler, Evans," James responded, letting the stupid snitch flutter in front of his overlarge head again.

"Me the niffler?" I responded, surprised. "You're the one who can't let there be more than two feet between you and that gold ball."

"Sometimes there's three feet, I'd say," James responded.

"Now really, Potter, how is it your head is so inflated, yet your brain is no bigger than that ball in your hand?" I asked seriously.

"No brain? Say that again to my twelve OWLs," James replied, a smug smile playing on his lips.

Remus stood up, just as I felt my jaw drop in shock. Potter got twelve OWLs? I knew he was smart, but not _that_ smart. Thank Merlin I technically got thirteen.

"James scoot over," Remus ordered. James moved more towards the window. "The other way," Remus said. "I'm not sitting in between you and Lily's conversation any longer." James reluctantly moved next to me.

Sirius snickered. "They're more exciting than an actual duel, the two lovebirds."

"You keep up like that and there will be a duel, Sirius," I replied through clenched teeth.

"Lighten up, Evans, seriously," James said, looking sideways at me.

I glanced back at him, utterly exasperated. Of course, it didn't help his black hair was perfectly falling into his hazel eyes nor did it help his smell was nothing short of tantalizing. Naturally, it made me madder. And as his aroma was so enticing it had turned off my brain from all proper function, I did the opposite of what I really wanted to do. I angled my body as much as I could towards the door so my back was mostly facing him. I reopened my potions book and stared again at page 33. I breathed in sharply twice and tried to shake away some of my frustration, annoyance, anger, attraction – whatever the emotions were that I was feeling. I didn't say anything the rest of the train ride. Though I never moved on from page 33.

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**A/N: Nothing like writing about James Potter to make me really get over a guy! Ha, sad, but true.**

**Oh, and for serious, next chapter won't take so long. I'm done dating for a while. Unless JP walks in to my life, no guy is good enough. **

**Lastly, I'm still getting reviews/favorite adds for Chauvinistic Stag, and I've got to say a BIG thank you to all you who did so! I'm still so thrilled by the advice/support!**

**And really lastly, REVIEW please. Lily needs help and direction. ;)**

**Bests,**

**Kate **


	4. Larkish Lily

**A/N: Eeeeeeeeee, apologies! An apology really doesn't seem good enough right now, honestly. I've had this chapter sitting on my computer, basically finished, for like oh, two months, but I couldn't think of an 'L' work to describe Lily in this chapter for the title, so, I just continued to let it sit there. Also - I've discovered when you really don't think you are going to ever find a swell guy, somehow he just appears... next door. Ha. Convenient, eh? Yeah, I've been distracted. 0:) So thanks to Phoenix and SecretBlack for awakening me from my stupor… and making me pull out a dictionary, haha. Seriously, appreciate it mucho. **

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Live – Love – Lily 

_Larkish Lily_

Arriving at Hogwarts never gets old. Dismounting from the train, I always stare up at the many castle turrets with an open mouth and a feeling of absolute awe. The windows twinkle like crystals as they reflect off of the lake, while the giant structure dominates the mountains surrounding us. I get to call this place home for the next ten months. It always plasters a childish smile on my face.

"Hey James, Lily, you're kinda holding up a whole line of people here," Remus said.

"Oh! Sorry," I said quickly, as I glanced over my shoulder at James, who had been standing just behind me, and I realized he had been looking up at the castle with a look that practically exactly matched what I was feeling. He glanced at me in return, and this was the first contact we made since I had turned away from him on the train. Neither of us smiled, though neither of us made a snide remark. We just stared at each other momentarily. I broke eye contact first, my feelings of awe and elation popped, and carried on down the platform toward the carriages.

I really didn't like him. I really really didn't. Something about the way he looked at me was almost like an x-ray. It was like he looked _into_ me rather than just _at_ me. It made me uncomfortable.

As we had been in the last car, there weren't many other students on the platform. So as Merlin would have it, I had to catch a ride with James and his friends in one of the horseless carriages. I didn't much like the idea of remaining in close proximity to James, though I didn't much mind either, as I always just hung my head out of the window whomever the company, staring up at the nearing sparkling towers, as the carriages trudged slowly through the castle gates. In previous years, yes, usually I caught a ride with Severus, and he hung out the window next to me as we edged closer. We both yelled back and forth in our excitement about what we expected the next year at Hogwarts would hold for us.

This year, I still made some predictions, though instead of yelling aloud, I kept my thoughts in my head. Firstly, Professor Slughorn would be even fatter this year. This was always my first prediction, and every time I made it, Severus always laughed and argued Slughorn couldn't _get_ any fatter. And thinking of Severus, I made my second prediction. Severus and I, we were going to get through whatever funk this was we were going through. I was going to really make an effort to be his friend, and it was going to work.

"So any guesses on the year, Evans?"

I looked over at James, who had poked his head out of the window next to me, and whose eyes were on the approaching towering turrets. I took a deep breath. How did he know that that was exactly what I was thinking about? And were we now speaking to each other? He then glanced over at me and the light of the castle windows reflected off of his half-smile. It made my stomach do a flip.

"I'll top you in every class," I stated simply, feeding James a half-smile of my own.

James laughed. "You beat me in OWLs, didn't you?" he asked.

I nodded.

He laughed again. "You never cease to amaze me, Evans."

I felt myself blush, and I mentally kicked myself. I attempted to change the topic quickly.

"What about you?" I asked. "You have any predictions?"

"Just one," he stated succinctly.

"And?" I inquired.

"I'll let you know at the end of term if it comes true," he smiled.

"Now, Potter –" I started, but snickering coming from inside of the carriage pulled us back to reality and drew us from the windows. Sirius and Remus were giving each other a high five, both with looks of triumph on their faces. James and I each settled into our seats.

"The Slytherins will be having a pleasant sleep tonight," Peter said, still hiccupping a few laughs.

"I must say, one of our more brilliant ideas," Remus chimed.

I settled into my seat and looked at the boys. "You all aren't seriously planning a prank right under my nose, are you?" I asked.

"It's already been planted," James said.

"Plus you promised you'd go easy on us for helping you with your trunk," Sirius said

I rolled my eyes. "Remus, how do you seriously let this go on right in front of you?"

"I don't take part in it," he replied, defensively.

"How innocent of you," I laughed. Remus relaxed when he realized I was smiling, and he smiled too.

"It really is a good prank," Remus said to me.

"You guys better not get me in trouble," I said.

James rolled his eyes at me. "Don't be such a prefect, Evans. The Slytherins won't know what hit them until their back in their dormitories." He paused a moment. "In fact, there's a few more we need to plant. If you want to, you could help us finish it off."

I stared at James for a moment, and then laughed in his face. That is, until I realized he was serious.

"No way, Potter, I _am_ a prefect," I emphasized, shaking my head at him.

"Come off it, James, you think the perfect prefect would pull a prank?" Sirius said.

I held my tongue, knowing Sirius was just trying to provoke me into agreeing to something I swore I would never do when I accepted my prefect badge.

"What exactly did you guys do?" I finally asked.

"Planted dungbombs in each of the slytherin's trunks. They shouldn't go off until the trunks are opened. We set charms on them so they won't activate until light hits them," Sirius said daintily.

"That's actually pretty clever," I replied, mildly impressed.

"You say that like you're surprised, Evans," James responded.

I shrugged, ignoring him. "Whose trunks do you have left?" I asked.

"The sixth years. Their trunks were all piled on top of each others, so we only got Avery's, whose was on top," Sirius said.

"So you haven't gotten Sever-" I started.

"No Snape still needs to be hit, Evans," James said harshly, cutting me off and looking at me darkly.

My eyes widened in surprise. Where did that come from? I mean, I know him and Snape had a rivalry – but that's all it was, a rivalry. But James seemed far too serious for the meaning behind his words to just be about pranking. My expression changed from surprise to curiosity, and James noticed. He opened his mouth to say something further, but the carriage came to a halt.

"We're here!" Peter said, obviously not noticing the tension in the air.

Peter, Sirius, and Remus all slid out of the carriage, but I grabbed James's arm to hold him back. My heart skipped when I touched him, and I gulped to try to ignore it. James turned and looked at me, the harsh expression still etched on his face.

"What's up, Potter?" I asked, cocking my head to the side to try to read his eyes.

"Just stay away from Snape, Evans," James replied.

"Why?" I asked.

James just looked at me, so I repeated myself.

"Why, Potter? Severus is my friend. Why would I stay away from him?" My eyes searched his face desperately for an answer.

"James finally getting lucky in there with you, Evans?" Sirius asked.

I rolled my eyes. Sirius really knew how to ruin even a simple conversation.

"Just stay away from him," James repeated.

I looked at James fiercely. Well, if he wasn't going to give me more of an explanation than that, I wasn't going to take his advice. I pushed past him and slid out of the carriage door. But, as my foot was reaching for the ground, I was flipped into the air, suspended upside down a good 15 feet in the air.

I screamed in surprise as my robes flew down over my face. Thank Merlin I still had jeans and a tight tank top on underneath my robes, or whoever was still in front of the school would have had quite a show. And then almost just as instantly, I was falling to the ground. I landed in a heap at the top of the stairs, flat on my arse, my tailbone screaming in pain.

"Lily! Lily! I'm so sorry! I thought you were going to be Potter!" a familiar voice said, running over to me. I looked up at Severus but couldn't respond to him. Mortification, anger, and pain all prevented my brain from forming speech.

"Are you okay?" he asked, trying to help me up. I stayed rooted to the ground though, shaking my head at him.

"Lily? Are you okay?" he asked again. "I'm so sorry!" He had his arm around me in his attempts to bring me to my feet.

James now rushed over to me, too, and so did the rest of the marauders. "Get your slimy hands off of her, Snivellus," I heard James say. But Severus just ignored James, and kept trying to help me up.

"Stop," I finally said. I pushed Severus away from me and got up on my own. I cursed in my head. My arse freaking hurt!

"Lily, I'm so sorry," Severus said again. "I'm so sor-"

But I held up my hand to stop him. "Just go away, Sev," I said.

Severus looked me in the eyes, and for the first time since last term I saw something in them. He was being sincere. He truly was sorry. Sorry or not though, my arse still felt like it had been hoofed by a hippogriff.

"Just go away, Sev, I mean it," I repeated. I rubbed my backside and winced slightly.

"You heard Evans-," James started.

"Shut it, Potter," I cut him off, and then I turned back to Severus.

"Just go," I said again to Severus. Severus nodded, but his eyes were pleading for forgiveness. He retreated slowly towards the castle doors. Avery and Mulciber emerged out of the shadows, and Avery opened the door.

"C'mon," Avery muttered.

Snape gave me one last look, then followed Avery though the door.

"Stop whimpering," I heard Mulciber say to Severus just before the door shut behind them. "You hit the mudblood, just about as good."

"Why I ought to curse-" James started, grabbing his wand out of his pocket and moving towards the door.

But I grabbed his arm in protest. "No, Potter," I said.

"You seriously want to let them get away with that!" James roared.

"No," I replied. "That's what Dungbombs are for."

James expression changed from an angry grimace to a playful grin. Sirius came over and put his arm around James in a brotherly way.

"I like the way she thinks, James," he said.

"How many dungbombs do you have left?" I asked.

"Five or six probably," James replied.

"If you have six, give me three. We're leaving special presents for Avery, Mulciber and Snape," I said, holding out my hand.

James smiled especially wide when I referred to Severus by his last name. He immediately obliged and handed over three dungbombs. I flicked my wand and muttered a simple charm on each of them, then handed them back to James.

"What did you do?" he asked.

"Put a 24-hour timer on them. They'll go off tomorrow for a second round of pleasantries," I replied.

Sirius, James, Peter and Remus all grinned at me.

"Well, surprise, surprise. The perfect prefect has a pranking pixie in her yet," Sirius winked, nodding at me with approval.

"We better get going inside," Remus then said. "People may start wondering where we are."

The rest of the marauders nodded in agreement, though James stepped behind Sirius and pulled something from inside his cloak.

"Come here, Evans," he said, motioning to the spot just next to him.

I obliged, and he threw something over us. It took me a second to realize it was his invisibility cloak.

"No way, Potter," I said, trying to find my way out of the cloak. "I'm not actually pulling the prank."

"You earned it, Lils," I heard Remus say, looking in my direction, though not directly at me, as he didn't know exactly where I was standing. It was a weird sensation, being invisible. Wildly liberating, really, but even so, I wasn't about to break my vow as a prefect.

"I wasn't trying to earn anything," I argued, but James had my hand and was leading me towards the castle door. My fingers tingled as he grasped them within his own, making my heart beat faster.

"Stop fussing, Evans. It'll take five minutes," he whispered. His words woke me from my trance and I dug my heels into the ground in protest. But James had pulled me close enough to the front door and he was able to leverage it open.

"Potter!" I hissed, but I immediately shut up. A few lagging students and professors were still wandering around the entrance hall, heading towards the Great Hall.

Slowly James led me up the stairs away from the entrance to the Great Hall. There we saw the trunks littering the hallways so densely it was nearly impossible to see the stone floor beneath them. As we watched, the house elves (the few who obviously weren't needed any longer in the kitchen) levitated a trunk and sent it on its way to its correct location. So that was how it was done. I was mildly impressed. Though I must admit, I secretly hoped Filch had the responsibility of dragging every trunk to its correct location.

"This way, Evans," James muttered, pointing towards a group of trunks under a green banner with a silver serpent. James slightly nudged me so that we moved together under the cloak, and I felt the place on my shoulder he had touched tingle. I hated being this close to him. I hated it because I really liked it.

"Look for their initials," he then said. And I pointed to the second trunk closest to us. It had an SS on it. The house elves were all over messing with the Hufflepuff trunks. This was too easy.

James moved us around the trunks so that the opening to the cloak was facing away from the house elves. He then handed me two dungbombs and leveraged the lid open.

"Go ahead and drop them in, Evans," he whispered.

I obliged.

And then we did the same thing to Avery and Mulciber's trunks.

And then we scuttled back down the stairs, jumped into the shadows, James removed the cloak, and we joined the last remaining students filtering into the Great Hall. The whole prank had probably taken five minutes.

I didn't realize how numb I felt until I was sitting at the Gryffindor table, and Alice got my attention with a loud "Psssst!"

She raised her eyebrows at me, and then motioned with her eyes at James, basically asking the question, "What the hell are you doing sitting next to him?"

I shook my head, mostly in disbelief at myself. I had pulled a prank, and on my "best" friend. But worst of all, I think I liked it; the exhilaration, the mischievousness, the excitement.

I glanced sideways at James. He was smiling at something Sirius had said. My heart skipped.

I needed to stay away from him. I really really REALLY needed to stay away from him.

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**A/N: Reviews are cool. That means if you review then you're cool, too.**


	5. Lied to Lily

**A/N: The marauders are legit.**

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Live - Love - Lily

_Lied-to Lily_

I didn't talk to Severus after the two rounds of dungbombs went off. I overheard Avery grumbling to Mulciber that he expected his clothes to reek for weeks, and I overheard McGonagall scolding James and Sirius for the prank, though as she had no proof they had pulled it, they wouldn't be punished. James and Sirius had each winked at me from behind McGonagall's back, and I, of course, just smiled innocently back at them. I was shocked, overall, at how _not_ guilty I felt: not even when I passed by Severus in the halls and smelled a faint scent of dung.

In reality, part of me actually wanted to help James and his gang pull another prank. And let me tell you, I was more shocked by this feeling than I'm sure McGonagall would have been if I had confessed the secret urge to her. But even though I had the urge, I did not have a way to satisfy it. James and his friends had been practically nonexistent since the beginning of term.

And that thought itself (James being nonexistent) had me both grumble and sigh with relief every time it crossed my mind. What was it with that boy that caused me such constantly conflicting feelings?

One thing I knew for certain: attraction and detestation mix about as well as one of Peter Pettigrew's attempts at potion brewing. And I'm pretty sure he received a T on his O.W.L. in potions.

"Hey Lily."

I snapped my head around in surprise, my eyes taking in the full image of Severus. I felt my nostrils flare in defense to his approaching smell, but thankfully, it never came. He must have figured out how to cover it or remove it. I sighed silently in relief. Then I felt my cheeks flush slightly as I remembered I was the reason he smelled in the first place.

I felt weird. I didn't know how to act towards Severus. I had _pranked_ him, my best friend. I pranked him, and did I really care?

Severus raised his eyebrows at my lack of response and I quickly quit my internal conversation.

"Hi," I replied.

"How, er, is your, er –" he then pointed to my backside, a slight pink developing in his cheeks.

I looked at him confused, then remembered his _fun_ accidental flip of my body into the air. I resisted the urge to giggle as I watched Severus struggle to refer to my butt as indirectly as he could.

"No permanent damage," I finally replied, remarkably composed.

"That's good," Severus then mumbled. "Look, I'm really sorr-"

"Don't worry, Sev," I quickly interjected. If there's one thing I hate, it's verbal apologies. Anyone can say they are 'sorry,' but somehow it's so much more effective to just show it. And I was going to give Severus the opportunity.

He smiled at me slightly and I smiled back.

"So I presume it's safe to assume you're taking Slughorn's class today, too?" I asked.

Severus nodded. "Course, Lily, you want to still be study partners this year?"

"Duh," I replied. "How else would you stay top of the class?"

Severus chortled. We both knew he had a knack for potions that was unparalleled by any other student in the school, and yes, I could admit it, he helped me _loads_.

"So Wednesdays at eight, then, dungeon 2, like last year?" he said.

I nodded, "Wednesdays at eight sound great."

* * *

And I can hardly believe I'm admitting this, but Severus really did prove he was sorry. For two whole months we met every Wednesday at eight, both with our advanced potion books in hand. We mostly experimented as we attempted to brew the potions from the next chapters with modest, and sometimes sizeable, alterations. Severus would make notes all over his book, while I kept my notes in a notebook. But we always rocked the next class with our slight adjustments. I reveled in James's sour look every time our potions topped his, and they always did.

Severus and I made messes a lot and laughed a lot, and really, I enjoyed it. I only saw him Wednesdays at eight, but I looked forward to it every week. The experimentation of our study sessions helped to appease my urge to prank, thank goodness, and amazingly, I barely thought about James. Staying away from him was proving to be easy, and mind you, it helped that he was rarely around the common room. I had no idea what he was up to, but really, I didn't care. More so, I was definitely pleased that Severus and I were friends again, and that I hadn't given up on him, like everyone else had told me I should. I guess my prediction at the start of term was right – we would be friends again, and I really liked it.

In early November, I was sitting in dungeon 2, waiting on Severus. It was five to eight. I had my potions book out and was glancing through the pages of the upcoming chapter. It appeared our next target would probably be a sort of super-concentrated shrinking solution that reduces its target to a miniscule size so it is virtually nonexistent. Handy, I guess, if you ever needed to hide something. But really, if whatever you're shrinking is basically microscopic, what's the chance you'd ever be able to find it again?

I glanced down at my watch again. It was 8:02. Severus usually wasn't late. I shrugged, and looked onwards toward the next potion: a potion for vision enhancement. Severus and I would have to draw straws as to whom we'd test our first mixture on. I looked down at my watch again. It was 8:05. I got up and cracked open the door. I glanced down the hallway in both directions. No Severus.

I couldn't help but feel it was odd, him being late, as I returned to my seat in the classroom. I just had one of those gut feelings that something wasn't right.

I turned to the concentrated shrinking solution potion and started gathering up some of the ingredients so that we could get started straight away if he arrived. Ten minutes passed. No Severus.

I was slightly worried that something bad had happened to him, but I assured myself that he probably just got busy, or forgot, or fell asleep. I'd talk to him in class tomorrow. I momentarily thought about attempting to brew the potion myself, but I quickly vetoed that when I saw the potion had to simmer for forty minutes. Oh well, so James would have a shot at brewing a better potion than me this week.

I put the ingredients I had taken out back in their appropriate places, grabbed my potion book and headed out the door. I looked backwards down the hallway towards the direction of the Slytherin common room verifying that it was empty, and then dejectedly started my trek back towards Gryffindor tower. Within a few short steps, however, I ran into something very invisible, yet very solid.

"What the -?" I gasped.

I heard a chuckle I'd recognize anywhere, and it made me instantly roll my eyes and smile.

"What are you doing here, Potter?" I laughed, my heart still pounding slightly from his abrupt arrival. And then I realized I was smiling and laughing. I choked awkwardly to try to make it stop.

"Mischief managed," he muttered, not noticing my weird hack, and then he whipped off his invisibility cloak.

"Your mischief will never be managed," I scoffed, working extremely hard to keep the corners of my mouth from turning upward.

"Aw, Evans, it's great to just _randomly_ run into you too!" he replied.

I raised my eyebrows at him, my smile ceasing its attempted attack. "Erm, yes this is random, isn't it?" I asked.

"Maybe," he said, his eyes twinkling playfully.

I was confused. "I don't think I want to understand you."

James shrugged nonchalantly. "Your loss, then. Whatcha doing out here anyway?"

"I was studying. What are you doing?" I replied, my cool restored.

"Testing," he said.

"Testing what?" I asked confused.

"Go on a date with me and I'll tell you, Evans," he winked.

I rolled my eyes again. "When you stop asking me on dates, Potter, I'll go with you."

"But how can that work?" he asked.

"It doesn't."

He laughed.

I simultaneously smiled and grumbled. Couldn't he tell I wasn't trying to be funny?

Loud and fast-paced footsteps made both James and me turn on the spot. Severus was running down the corridor, his cloak under his arm. I wondered momentarily why he had his cloak to begin with - had he been outside? And then I felt a weird feeling in my gut. What was that? But my analysis of my feelings was quickly interrupted as I saw both boys' faces turn to looks of disgust. I was in no mood to play mediator.

"What are _you_ doing here?" James asked.

"_I _study with _Lily_ on Wednesdays," Severus replied smartly. "And what are you doing?"

James looked at me surprised. Then he took a deep breath and started to shake his head. Although it looked like it took all his strength, he slowly replied, "I'm on my way out."

Severus looked slightly taken aback by James's quick submission, but still managed to growl, "Well then get a move on," as he pulled out his wand.

"Cool it, Sev," I interjected, but he ignored me and kept his wand pointed at James.

James glared at Severus, but remained silent. He turned on the spot and started walking away. I stared after him in shock as he retreated. I blinked multiple times. Was this really happening? Was James really just walking away from this situation? That weird feeling was in my gut again.

"Put your wand down, will you?" I finally said to Severus after I saw James turn the corner and step out of view.

He obliged. However, the awful look was still etched on his face.

"I hate him," he finally said.

"I know," I replied.

"You hate him still, too, right?" he asked, his eyes still on the spot where James had disappeared.

"Duh," I replied automatically.

"Good," Severus said, finally looking at me.

We looked at each other silently for a moment.

"So where were you?" I finally asked, looking down at his cloak again suspiciously.

"Oh yeah, sorry, I had a meeting – on that note, can we move our study sessions to Tuesday nights?" Severus said quickly.

"Err, yeah, I guess, okay," I replied. "What was the meeting?"

"A house meeting for some of the older students," Severus said quickly.

"A house meeting? And this will be held weekly?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes," Severus replied.

"What are the meetings for?" I asked, honestly curious.

"We're trying to make things more comfortable and welcoming for the younger students," Severus said nonchalantly.

I put the brakes on there. The older slytherins were trying to make things more comfortable for the younger slytherins? That was about as likely as James becoming head boy. I could smell Severus's polyjuice potion of a lie covering for something he didn't want me to know.

Now figurative shovel, where did I last leave you? There you are! Let's dig.

"Wow, Severus, that's great. Maybe we'll try to do something like that at Gryffindor, too. I'll talk to Slughorn about that tomorrow and see if he can give me some direction," I replied, trying to foil his story.

"Not really a point there, Lily," Severus said. "Slughorn doesn't know. He's busy enough with the Slug Club, you know, so we older students are just doing this on our own."

"But why did you need your cloak?" I asked.

"Oh," he shrugged, "I had forgotten a book in Greenhouse five, so I had to jump down there this evening and I didn't have time to put my cloak away before the meeting."

I ground my teeth together slightly as I tried to think of another question that would help me dig my hole a bit deeper. I stared hard in his eyes – they were empty, black, and blank. How did he do that, seriously?

"Okay, then," I finally said defeated. "I'll meet you here next Tuesday then at eight?"

"Yes. Thanks, Lily."

* * *

I marched home to Gryffindor tower, becoming increasingly disgruntled with each step I took. Seriously, a house meeting? I really wasn't sure why I was _so_ sure that Severus wasn't being honest with me, but my intuition was screaming at me so loudly there was no way I could ignore it.

"Hmph!" I exclaimed, as I turned the corner to the hallway leading to the Gryffindor common room.

"Hmph, indeed," I heard a voice grumble from in front of the portrait hole. James was sitting there, his back propped against the wall. "There's been no sign of her (he motioned towards the fat lady's portrait) for at least fifteen minutes."

"Brilliant," I sighed, as I settled myself down across from him. I didn't say anything further. I sat there, awkwardly, half wanting to thank him for not dueling Severus, and half wanting to throw my potions book at him, for no particular reason I could justify.

"You really shouldn't hang around him," James finally said.

Here we go. I gripped my book tighter in my hands. "Give me a good reason," I responded.

James looked at me, directly in the eyes. My mind couldn't help but compare his warm, concerned eyes to Severus's black, emotionless eyes, and I hated James for looking like he cared. I didn't need his concern, or help, or advice.

"He's up to something," James said simply.

I frowned at James unintentionally. Of course he had to voice exactly what was bugging me. "You're going to have to get a bit more in depth than that," I told him.

James clenched his jaw and stared at me as though calculating the implication of every blink and breath I took. And as he just sat there, staring at me intensely, making me feel horrendously uncomfortable, I interrupted his silent analysis.

"Well, with or without your help, I'm going to figure out what he's doing Wednesday nights," I said.

"Wednesday nights?" he asked. "What do know about Wednesday nights?"

I raised my eyebrows at James but didn't respond. If he wanted answers he was going to have to give me answers first.

James looked at me in that calculating manner again, and he must have realized I wasn't going to respond to his question. "You really want to know what he's up to? Even if it means you might uncover something that could really hurt you?" he finally asked.

I looked at him slightly puzzled. Did he know something already? I swallowed. Of course I wanted to know what Severus was up to. If my best friend was lying to me… well… then he wasn't really my best friend, and I needed to know that. So I replied confidently, "Yes, Potter. I want the truth."

"Okay, Evans," he said, nodding.

And then he grinned.

"Er, what's up, Potter?" I asked cautiously, scared, slightly, for his answer.

"Remember that day I saw you in the park over the summer? You know, by those swings," he said.

My stomach dropped and my face flushed intensely. "_That's_ why you're smiling? Get a grip, Pot-"

"No, no, not _that,_" James laughed. "I was just referring to the fact that I was there on Auror business with my dad. Evans, you're as red as Slughorn after he's had three sherries."

I grumbled and I could tell my face was not cooling down. I hadn't thought about that kiss in a long time and my fire hot cheeks were making up for it. "So what did you uncover on your Auror business then?" I muttered.

"That's just it. I don't know. My dad wouldn't tell me what seeing Snape, Avery, and Mulciber there with Malfoy actually meant. Instead, he forbade me from fraternizing with Snape when I got back to school."

"Which is why you walked away from him tonight," I muttered again. Merlin's beard, my cheeks were still hotter than a dragon's inferno.

James chuckled slightly. "Right you are, Evans. I've been trying to follow Snape for the last few weeks, but I haven't, er, 'fraternized' with him in the slightest – of course, other than those dungbombs at the beginning of term." He fed me a fast grin.

I responded by biting my lip innocently and looking up at him.

"Problem is," he continued, "he keeps leaving the school, and never at a consistent time. As do all the other 6th and 7th year Slytherins."

"Well, they're going to start meeting Wednesday nights, like I said. And how do you know they leave the school?" I asked.

"How do you know they are meeting Wednesday nights?" James responded.

"Snape and I study Wednesday nights." I glanced up at James and saw a very subtle shade of disturbance in his eyes. "But he changed it to Tuesdays today because he says he now has a "House" meeting with the rest of the 6th and 7th year Slytherins on Wednesdays, but he was definitely lying," I explained. "Now how do you know they leave the school?"

"Dearies, are you planning on sitting out there all night?"

I glanced up at the portrait. The Fat Lady was back.

"Pixie Punch," James said, ignoring her question and climbing inside the portrait hole. I followed, of course, only to find him already on the boys' staircase.

"Meet me after dinner next Wednesday, Evans, and I'll show you exactly how I know they're leaving," James called as he climbed up the stairs.

Well that was an abrupt end to the conversation. But even so, and against my better judgment, I agreed to his request with a small nod, and James smiled just before he disappeared from view.

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**A/N: My dog has red hair. Her name is Lily.**

**Review, please. :)**


	6. Laboring Lily

**A/N: Hi hi hi! Movie's coming out! Can you believe it? I'm legit SO EXCITED but also SO SAD. Bittersweet at its finest, imho. ****FYI - I changed some of last chapter. I decided that Lily was too harsh during her interactions with James – one of my worries when I started this story. Overall plot isn't changed, so not necessary to go back and read (unless you want a refresher since I had a bit of a break from the last time I posted (sorry, had some trips!). Enough chit chat, I hope you enjoy.**

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Live – Love – Lily

_Laboring Lily_

I sat at dinner the following Wednesday with Alice and Mary. James, who was a few people down the table from me, kept throwing me winks like a creepy old man. Naturally, I ignored him – or at least did my best to ignore him - and carried on conversations with my two best friends.

"You can't be afraid to talk to him, Mary," Alice was saying.

"Who's Mary afraid to talk to?" Frank interjected. Frank and some of the other Gryffindor 7th year boys came and sat next to Alice.

Mary's eyes widened as she turned bright red. Correct response was Bryce Butler, Frank's best mate, who had taken a seat next to him.

"Professor Kettleburn," I interjected, "just to contest a mark on a paper."

Mary thanked me with her eyes.

"Oh, I think we've all had our issues with him. I know he's lost some limbs, but it's more his mind I'm starting to wonder about," Frank reassured her.

Alice rolled her eyes slightly at how easily Frank had bought my tiny white lie.

I'm not proud to admit it necessarily, but I'm good at lying. I've found most people don't expect it from me. Maybe its because I get good marks, or because I'm a prefect, though I haven't gone back to ask a person I've lied to. And here I was, about to lie again.

"Prefect's meeting," I said, standing up. "Catch you guys back in the common room in a bit."

As I walked out of the Great Hall, I saw James stand up from his friends and make his way towards the Great Hall exit, about twenty feet behind me.

It was that moment I had my first sense of panic. WHY again, was I meeting up with James? Now that James was actually following behind me, I felt my eyes dart to every crevice and suit of armor as I passed, wondering if I could somehow sneak into concealment and take refuge without him seeing.

I heard James' pace turn into a trot behind me. "Hi Evans," he said, as he caught up to my side.

"Hi," I replied as confidently as I could.

"Follow me this way?" he asked, as he turned to walk up a side staircase leading to the charms corridor.

I obliged with my actions. When we reached the hallway, he directed me into one of the empty classrooms. We'd been in this room for our third year lessons. He sat down at one of the long tables, and I sat down next to him.

"How was your week?" he asked.

"Uneventful," I replied. "Yours?"

"Fine," he said, that half-smile playing on his lips. "Though I've mostly been looking forward to this."

I felt my cheeks flush slightly and attempted to cover it by rolling my eyes. "You'll never change, will you, Potter?"

"I hope not," he replied, smirking at me quickly. He turned away from me and pulled from his bookbag a piece of old, grubby parchment. He turned back to me and grinned. I waited for him to say something. He didn't.

"Er, would you like a fresh piece of parchment?" I asked, reaching towards my bag.

"No," he replied, still smiling.

I raised my eyebrows at him. "What's with the grin, Potter?"

He didn't say anything - just took a deep breath, and smiled wider.

"Potter?" I repeated.

"Okay, okay, Evans. You ready for this?" he asked.

"For what?" I replied, confused.

But he ignored me. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!" he said, waving his wand at the parchment.

My brain registered that I didn't like it that James was saying a sentence that included the words "up to no good," but words began to form on the front of the parchment, and that caused me to forget to say any words of my own. James quickly flattened the parchment out on the desk. I contemplated for an instant whether he intentionally wasn't letting me read the front, but the movement of the ink had me distracted. Like spiders, ink crawled across the parchment, and tiny dots began to move, looking like bugs caught in a giant web. I looked closer and I physically felt my jaw drop.

"Is that, is that…" I stuttered. "M-M-Mary? And Alice, still in the Great Hall?"

"Yep," James replied.

"And Dumbledore in his study?"

"Yep."

"Where on earth did you find this?" I gasped, excited. This map was truly incredible. You could see every movement of every person in Hogwarts. Gosh, no wonder James was so good at pranks.

James shrugged, but he was grinning.

"How long have you had it?"

"About a year," James said. He was being vague, on purpose, but I didn't care. I was too fascinated by the map in front of me.

"And there's Filch, on the third floor, and Mrs. Norris, on the fifth! And you and me, here in this charms classroom!"

"And Snape and Avery down in the Slytherin common room," James replied, redirecting my attention to why we had originally set this meeting.

"Right," I laughed. My eyes were still zooming around the parchment utterly overwhelmed.

"Look, the 6th and 7th years are going into the 7th years dormitory," James said, focused and intrigued. "What time is it?"

"7:20 or so," I replied, checking my watch on my wrist.

"Wait, Avery just left the map. And there went Mulciber. And the 7th years, Crabbe, Goyle, Thicknesse…" James voice trailed off.

My fascination with the map ceased as my eyes froze on Severus's name. For a moment, his name was the last in the room, and I thought surely he was not going to disappear. But I blinked, and his name was gone.

"What," James muttered. "They can't have figured out how to apparate in Hogwarts, can they?"

"Surely not," I said. "Half of them aren't even of age. There just must be something wrong with the map."

"There's nothing wrong with the map, Evans," James replied defensively, looking me squarely in the eye.

"How would you know? It's not as if you can see its brain," I replied.

James didn't reply immediately. "I've tested it," he finally said. He tore his eyes from mine and put his attention back on the map.

"Tested it? Hang on," I muttered, our run-in from last Wednesday stirring in my memory. "You've tested it… you said you were 'testing' last week! Were you testing that I was really down in the potions dungeons?"

James serious expression broke into an innocent smile. "Sort of."

"Sort of, Potter?"

"I knew the map worked last week, Evans. Like I said earlier, I've had it a while."

"So," I laughed. "You staged a run-in?"

"I hadn't seen you in a while."

"You see me nearly every day in class," I replied, though I knew what he meant. We hadn't talked since basically the beginning of term.

"One day, Evans, I'll get over you, and you'll miss me," James grinned.

"Likely," I scoffed sarcastically, but the corners of my mouth were itching to grin, too, and I could tell James could see it. His grin nearly doubled.

I quickly averted my eyes and racked my brain for something else to say. We were having a normal conversation. How _weird_.

"So I guess we just have to wait and see when they come back," he finally said.

I nodded and we sat in silence for a few minutes.

"So, Potter," I finally said, "you said last week you knew the Slytherins were leaving the school. Why is it only now you think they're apparating?"

"I'd never actually seen their names vanish like that. I'd just noticed them missing from the map for periods at a time. I'm serious, Evans, this map doesn't lie."

I was looking at him skeptically. "Really, Potter, why are you so convinced that the map works so properly?"

He hung his head for a moment, like he was rapidly trying to find an excuse to throw at me.

I waited until he lifted his head up and again looked him in the eye. A few seconds passed. His hazel eyes were thick with intensity and certainty. I couldn't help thinking it was a nice change from Severus's black stare.

"Fine, Potter," I finally said. "I'll trust you on this one. I just really hope I don't one day regret it."

"You won't," he said, quickly.

"You do realize though, if we really want to work together, we're going to have to more than trust each other. We'll have to be open with each other," I stated knowingly.

James pursed his lips slightly and nodded.

"We'll work on trust first though, okay?" I added, with a small laugh.

He nodded again, and smiled. "This feels like progress, Evans."

"Maybe," I replied. "But don't even think about asking me on another date."

James fed me his half-smile and winked. "You sure?"

I didn't bother to answer. Instead, I refocused on the map. "Look, the Slytherins are coming back," I said.

"What time is it now?" James asked.

"Fifteen after eight," I replied, again checking my watch. "About the same time Severus met up with us last week."

"Well, at least we know they are meeting at a moderately consistent time," James said.

"I guess that's progress, too," I replied, grabbing at my bookbag. I started to stand up, and saw James was still looking at the map. "That map is seriously amazing, Potter. One day I'll be very interested to learn how you came across it."

James smiled, but remained silent. That is, until he pulled out his wand and muttered, "Mischief Managed." The parchment was wiped blank.

"Meet a little earlier next week, Evans, more like 6:30?" James asked, standing up.

"Okay," I replied, as we made our way to the door. Out in the hallway, I turned to go towards the common room, and realized James wasn't following.

"I'm off this way, Evans," he said. "I'll see you in class tomorrow."

* * *

**A/N – Short chapter this time! Decided to just post what I had going to get me back into the groove. Next bit of story is definitely planned out, so shouldn't be too difficult, and I plan to kick into it this weekend. And the next chapter will be much more exciting.**

**Hope everyone's loved the new movie – I'm off to see it a 4****th**** time, yippee! I was blessed to win tickets to the NY premiere – if you look at my profile, I'm the blonde behind Mr. Radcliffe. :)**

**If you can, as I always annoyingly remind you, please review! Thoughts as you progress through the story are definitely appreciated. **


	7. Limping Lily

**A/N: Reviews were sparse last chapter, but the few I received were MUCH appreciated! So thanks JP Luver, Train Rider, Enchanted, fiiiiiiiine i'll review (haha, like the name) and Spottedpelt43! To all, I hope you enjoy Chapter 7!**

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Live – Love – Lily

_Limping Lily_

Potions class on Thursday was an interesting affair. The classroom is divided into 8 tables, 4 seats across. I sit on the inside of the third row on the right. Severus sits on the outside of the 2nd row on the right, and James sits on the inside of the 2nd row on the left.

Throughout the lesson, James kept turning his head to look at me, a slight smile playing on his lips. Severus somehow picked up on James's antics, so he kept turning his head to look at me, too.

"What have you done to them?" Alice (who sits next to me) muttered. "They're both going to break their necks if they're not careful."

I shrugged. "They may both deserve it," I whispered back. I then kept my eyes on my cauldron for the next 20 minutes while Professor Slughorn continued with his lesson.

When we were dismissed to begin brewing our potions, I kept my mind _very_ focused on the potion instructions in front of me and ignored the attention-seeking coughs coming from James's direction. Only when I heard a large hissing noise to my far right did I finally look up.

Severus's cauldron was melting, his hand still frozen where it had just released the last ingredient into his potion mixture. The whole class stopped to stare, even Slughorn. Severus had _never_ melted a cauldron - not even in his first year. Once he registered what had occurred – that his potion was spilling across the floor – Severus picked up his book bag, muttered a spell to clean the potion from his shoes, and walked out the classroom door without a backwards glance.

As the door slammed, Slughorn hurried over to the right side of the room and waved his wand to clear the remaining spilling potion at once. "B-back to work, class, back to w-work," he stuttered, his eyes mirroring the surprise I too was feeling.

I did my best to refocus my attention on the 3 milliliters of beetle eyes I was supposed to be measuring, but my mind was on Severus, wherever he now was in the castle. What had him so distracted? Was he really that bothered by James throwing looks at me throughout the class period? I must have missed a milliliter of beetle eyes because Slughorn toted James's potion as the best of the class period. James's grin was so obnoxious that if I had any good feelings about him after our meeting the previous night, those feelings were completely evaporated.

Thanks for the reminder, James, of your utterly insufferable big-headedness.

At the end of the period, I bolted out of the classroom quicker than lightning, eliminating James chance to gloat to me.

* * *

On Saturday morning, I wandered to the owlery to bring Tris the last of the owl treats I'd picked up in Hogsmeade a few weeks previous. The mid-November air felt crisp as she fluttered off of her high perch to greet me. I stroked her neck a few times and she nuzzled her face into my fingers in response. Minus the smell, one of my favorite spots in the castle was the owlery. Not only were the views across the lake and over the forest spectacular, but also there was a general peacefulness up here that you could find in very few places. Other than the occasional low hoot and quick shuffle of feathers, the owlery to me felt like a sort of sanctuary during the daytime.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Well, it was a sanctuary until another student paid a visit, too. As the visitor grew closer, I stroked Tris one last time.

"That's all for today," I whispered to her. "I'll pick you up more treats the next time I'm in Hogsmeade."

She replied with a quiet hoot, and with great bats of her wings, returned to her high perch among the other owls.

I turned toward the exit, preparing to pass by the visitor and venture down to the Great Hall for breakfast. I froze slightly as I saw the visitor was Severus.

"Hi," I said surprised.

He jumped slightly before he replied, "Oh hey, Lily." He didn't smile. In fact, he looked almost upset to see me.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Okay," he replied.

We stared at each other for a moment in silence.

"Well, I actually came up here to send this to you," he finally said, handing me the note in his hand.

I took the letter, surprised. What was Severus writing to me that he couldn't say to my face?

"Goodbye then, Lily," he then said, and he retreated back towards the castle entrance.

"See you, Tuesday!" I called after him desperately, confused by his stoic demeanor. I tore open the letter. It was short.

_Lily,_

_I must cancel our study sessions indefinitely. _

_I will let you know if one day we can resume. _

_-Sev_

I read the letter over twice. What an incredibly oversized baby if he really couldn't say this to my face! I tore out of the owlery, desperate to catch up with him.

"Severus!" I called at his back. He was nearly at the castle's back entrance. I saw him pause a moment, then take a step closer to the door.

"Se-EV!" My call of his name turned into a screech as I slipped on some stray owl droppings half way down the stairs. The foot that had slipped flew out from under me, and the other, which was stuck on something sticky (what I realize now was a chewed wad of drooble's best blowing gum - gross) stayed planted underneath me. I felt something very unhappy snap inside my foot and heard an audible CRACK as I landed on top of it. Never good.

"Lily! Are you okay?" Severus hurried over to me. Well, at least I got his attention.

I stood up, my foot screaming in pain, and nodded fervently. Nope, I couldn't put weight on it, so I stood there on one leg, holding my hurt foot a millimeter above the ground, pretending to stand normally. I swallowed down tears that wanted to form in my eyes. I had Severus's attention. I wasn't going to lose it.

"Buggers. I'm fine, Sev, just clumsy…. Damn owl droppings," I muttered.

"You sure?" he asked again.

The pain was almost unbearable in my foot. "I'm fine, Sev," I stated firmly.

He looked me hard in the eyes, his eyes black but searching.

"Really, I'm more hurt by this," I said, holding up the letter he had handed me.

Severus looked away from me.

"Why don't you want to study with me any more?" I didn't like that I sounded like I was pouting, but I couldn't help it.

Severus frowned slightly but did not respond.

"Sev, really, you have to give me something. What did I do?" I pushed.

"You didn't do anything," he finally said. "It's me. I'm just distracted, and I need some space."

"This sounds like you're breaking up our friendship," I started to laugh, but Severus's stony face quickly wiped any hint of a smile from my face.

"You _are_ breaking it up," I gasped, surprised.

Severus shook his head. "I'm not breaking … us up – not for good, at least. I just need some time, Lily – some time to figure things out."

"What do you need to figure out? Can't I help?" I asked.

"No, you distract me too much," he replied.

"Oh," I replied, because I wasn't sure what more to say. How was I distracting? Was I really to blame for him melting his potions cauldron? I wanted to argue, but the pain in my foot was building, making my eyes water. Though, I think Severus thought my teary eyes were because of our conversation, so he shifted uncomfortably and made me an offer.

"Here, give me until after Christmas. That's only a month, and then we can try continuing our study sessions again," he said.

I nodded, "Deal." A month break – okay. I still didn't understand why he needed it, but a month I could give him. Plus, my foot was hurting so badly I was desperate to end the conversation and have a good cry.

Severus glanced down at his watch.

"You can go," I said. "Really, thank you, Sev, I appreciate you talking to me."

He paused, nodding slightly uncomfortably because he knew if it had been his choice, we wouldn't have had this conversation. "Are you sure your foot is okay?" he asked.

I nodded again. "I'm fine, really. I'm going to stick around here a bit longer though – didn't get enough time with Tris - so go ahead and get to wherever you need to."

"Thanks, Lily," Severus said, turning to leave.

"I also hope," I called after him, "that one day you can be open with me."

Severus turned and nodded again, a sad smile on his lips. "Me too."

And with a swish of his robes, he vanished through the castle doors.

I stood there for a moment in stunned silence, feeling almost numb. I never thought Severus would ever be able to - or really _want_ to, for that matter - walk away from our friendship. I reminded myself that it was for just a month. But really, I didn't find comfort in that thought. My prediction at the beginning of term, that we would again become friends, and it would work - well, I really wasn't feeling very confident about it. Maybe I should have stayed enrolled in Professor Tasseo's divination class this year.

And the numbness stopped. I yelped. Gulpin' gargoyles, my foot bloody hurt. I sat down on the poop-covered steps (gross I know), and did my best to conjure a splint for it. It wasn't tight enough, but it would have to do. I stood up again, hiding the splint under the flair of my jeans, and attempted to put weight on it.

Nope. That was not going to work.

I gulped. Well, I had to start moving or I was going to be stuck out here forever.

I used the railing to hop down to the bottom of the staircase safely, and by the end of it, I was breathing heavily. This was going to be fun. The hospital wing was probably a half-kilometer and three floors away.

I set off on my mission - to hop one footed all the way to the hospital wing. I had made it down the first corridor when I decided to lean up on the wall and rest. My foot was not remotely enjoying the motion it was being subjected to. I was in distress, and sure, I'm a damsel, so where was my superhero?

"Hiya, Evans," a familiar voice said happily.

"You're not a superhero," I grumbled.

"Sorry?" Potter asked.

Woops, I said that out loud. The pain must have been affecting my brain a bit, too. "Nothing," I muttered. "What are you doing over here anyway?"

James smiled guiltily and pulled the map from his back pocket.

I rolled my eyes. "Stop stalking me, Potter."

"I wasn't stalking _you_," he defended. "I was watching your slippery friend, and saw that you two had a run-in, so I decided to investigate. So what happened?"

"Not your business," I replied.

"Wasn't it just a few days ago that you said we had to start being more open with each other?" he teased.

I bit my lip. It was somewhat bizarre, I realized, that I had had a comparable conversation with both James and Severus in the same week. Okay, openness, I could try it out.

"He broke up with me," I said.

"What?" James gasped, his jaw dropping. "You were dating?"

I giggled. "No." The pain was making me delirious. I was struggling to find words for what had actually occurred between Severus and me. "It's just until after Christmas."

"You're going to date again after Christmas?" James asked, his eyebrows high on his forehead.

I managed to roll my eyes at him. "We aren't dating, nor have we ever. He wants to take a break from being friends."

"Ah," James said with obvious relief. "Well, did he say why?"

"That I'm distracting," I replied.

James smiled. "Amazing. There's something Snape and I can agree on."

He was too far away for me to punch him in the arm, and I didn't quite have the coordination, standing only on one foot.

"So are you hungry? I was planning on heading down to breakfast before this little detour," James said.

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine."

"Well, where are you going?" James asked.

I looked at him frozen for a few seconds. How was I going to get James to head down to the Great Hall without me if I couldn't move to make things appear normal?

"Evans?" James pressed.

I bit my lip. He looked me up and down, and his eyes stopped near the ground.

"What's on your foot?" he asked.

"My attempt at a splint," I replied.

He bent down and lifted up my jeans, exposing my ankle. "That is not a normal color, Evans."

"I realize that, Potter," I said, watching him exam my foot. And then he held out his finger and poked it.

"BLOODY HELL POTTER, that _bloody_ hurts!" I screeched, trying to take a swing at him, but as I noted earlier, he was too far away. My failed attempt threw me off balance, and I started to fall over, directly into James. He jumped up quickly and grabbed me.

"Sorry, it just didn't look real," he replied, looking at me innocently, his face a mere inches from mine.

I couldn't respond to him as my foot was throbbing so badly that I had to clench my teeth… and his closeness was causing my heart to beat in my throat.

"Here," James said. "Let me help you to the hospital wing. "

"I don't need your help," I replied stubbornly, and I pushed myself away from him. Using the castle wall to guide me, I started hopping down the corridor.

James let me entertain myself for a few seconds as I struggled immensely. "You have something all over your backside," he laughed.

"Thanks, Potter," I snapped, focusing on each hop forward.

"Stop being ridiculous, Evans. I'm going to carry you to the hospital wing. Now you can let me, and I'll carry you normally, or you can _not_ let me, and I'll throw you over my shoulder."

I ground my teeth more. I turned and looked at him. I hated relying on James for help, but I was in a pickle and I was in pain, so I nodded. James smiled in response and guided me a few steps from the wall. He then swooped me into his arms with ease.

"So how'd you manage this exactly, Evans?" James asked, as he walked through the castle.

"I slipped on owl dung chasing after Severus," I grumbled.

"That's owl dung on your backside? I'll be sure to avoid it," he grinned.

"Even when there's not dung on it, that's an area you will always avoid, Potter," I replied.

"Always so serious," James teased. "So you mean to tell me though that you slipped chasing your slippery friend? Ironic, isn't that?"

I shrugged, "I'll credit a mix of lacking coordination and bad luck rather than irony."

"Lucky I came along though," James replied, his half-smile prominent. He was carrying me up the third flight of stairs. The hospital wing was a few corridors away.

That flame of attraction again lit inside of me. I was amazed, really, at how comfortable I was in James's arms. He was stronger, definitely, than I expected. I always knew he was fit, playing quidditch and all, but I'd never actually felt his flexing arms. And as he held me tightly with immense ease, I was amazed, truly, that even with my foot aching so incredibly, I actually felt _good_.

Astonishingly, it felt too soon when we arrived at the hospital wing. James laid me onto one of the beds and Madam Pomfrey came bustling over.

"Now what have you gone and done this time Mr. Potter?" she asked crossly.

James pretended to give her a very insulted look. "Actually, this time, I had no involvement."

"I slipped on the owlery steps," I said to her, pointing at my foot. "I was just clumsy."

"Dear dear, Miss Evans," she muttered as she removed the splint, which made me wince, and began bending my foot, examining it. I'm not sure if James gave me his hand or I just took it, but it was only when she was done that I realized I was gripping it. I quickly let go.

"Broken," she said. "Won't be hard to mend, but I'll need you to stay off of it a few hours. Miss Evans, I'm just going to nip to the office for some Skele-Gro –"

"But it's just-" I started to interrupt. I'd heard awful things about the medicine.

"Yes, I know it's just broken, but it will help strengthen the bone. Mr. Potter, I want you gone by the time I get back, which will be in about three minutes. Miss Evans will need some rest."

As Madam Pomfrey left for her office, James turned to me with a grin. "Have fun with that stuff. It's awful, it really is."

"Blargh," I grumbled.

"Well, I'll see you later then," James said, standing up and heading towards the door.

I gritted my teeth momentarily, then said to James what I truly hated saying. "Thanks for your help," I called, to which James turned to me and smiled wide.

"Any time, Evans. And make sure you're better by Wednesday," he replied.

"What have you planned for Wednesday?" I asked.

"You'll see. Meet me at 6:30, remember," James grinned. He turned and continued walking towards the corridor. He then paused and turned back to me just as he reached the door. "Oh, by the way, Evans - and maybe you now agree- I make an excellent superhero." And with a final grin, he left the hospital wing. Thankfully, he missed me blushing immensely.

* * *

**A/N: Yes! Success! Finished this chapter just in time to sneak this post in on Harry Potter's birthday! Was my goal all week, yippee. Hope you all did a little something to celebrate. I'm amazed I finished with the amount I keep pressing refresh on Pottermore, haha. Fingers crossed I get access tonight!**

**Please shoot me a review of your thoughts. How's the conversation aspect? I think we may need to get to know Snape a bit better – do you agree? **

**No matter what, hope you enjoyed! I'll aim to get the next chapter out in 1-2 weeks. Love you reviewers OODLES.**

**Bests,**

**Kate**


	8. Loony Lily

**A/N: YAY! Got some super swell reviews, thanks folks! Very much appreciated over here! I keep delaying writing this chapter because I'm eating chips and salsa… must stop… just one more… wipes off hands, gets ready to type… wait no, one more… yummmmmmm. Okay, diet time and writing time, woo.**

* * *

Live – Love – Lily

_Loony Lily_

"You broke your foot?" Alice gasped as I settled in next to her in the common room in the late afternoon. The sun was nearly set, causing an orange glow to reflect off the red and gold walls.

"Yeah. I slipped on bloody owl dung on the owlery steps," I grumbled.

Alice chuckled and shook her head. "Only you, Lily. And how on earth did you get yourself all the way to the hospital wing?'

"Potter," I mumbled.

"Pardon?" Alice asked.

"Potter," I said again, a little more clearly. Alice still looked at me just as confused.

"See the kid with the glasses and messy black hair over there? Ya, him," I said, pointing towards James. He turned and looked at me just as I pointed at him and fed both Alice and me an obnoxiously big grin.

Alice looked at me with her eyebrows raised. "Why's he grinning like that?"

"Beats me," I shrugged, and I turned my attention to the fire. "It's Potter. He's still a cocky toe-rag."

"How's the foot, Evans?" James asked.

I jumped and blushed. How'd he get here so fast? I didn't even see him stand up. And did he hear me call him a toe-rag? Wait, I didn't care if he heard me call him a toe-rag.

"Fine, thank you," I replied, without looking at him.

"Fully healed?" he pressed on.

"Yes."

"Excellent," he said, and he turned and walked back to his friends.

"Lily, why is your face as red as your hair?" Alice asked, her eyes locked uncomfortably on my face.

"I'm red?" I attempted to shrug.

"Yes. Bright red. You've called James a toe-rag before and it's never turned you that color," she replied, narrowing her eyes suspiciously.

"Must be the heat from this fire," I muttered.

"And you've never come up with such a lame lie before," Alice stated. She was starting to grin.

"Give me a break, will you? I did break my foot today," I replied, defensively.

"Okay," she conceded. A small grin was still lingering on her lips.

* * *

I spotted Severus in the hall on Monday in between Transfiguration and Charms. We made eye contact, and at first, he put his head down like he was going to pass me without saying hello. But just as he was about to pass me, he lightly grabbed my arm and guided me to a deserted hallway.

"What is it, Sev?" I asked, confused by his actions.

"I heard Alice tell Frank that you broke your foot Saturday," he said. I could see moments of concern in his eyes. And by moments I mean the concern was there for an instant, and the next, gone. It was weird.

"Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did," I replied.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, his eyes now dark and emotionless. It made him feel so distant, and reminded me that this was the guy who just a few days ago didn't want to be my friend. I furrowed my brow, and looked away towards a suit of armor. What was he getting at?

"Lily, why didn't you tell me?" he repeated.

"Why do you care?" I asked, my eyes now fixed on the suit of armor's feet. They were shiny.

"Lily," Severus said. "Lily, look at me."

I really didn't want to look into those dark tunnels anymore. They, sadly, gave me the creeps. I reluctantly met his eyes.

"Lily, I still care about you-," he started, but I had had enough.

"I've got to go, Sev," I interrupted. And I picked up my bookbag and returned to the bustling hallway without a backwards glance.

What was Severus's problem, honestly? He was the one who said he didn't want to be friends. What was he getting at, making me feel like I needed to tell him I had hurt my foot, when he was the one who made it clear he didn't want to be distracted by me anymore? I was so preoccupied by my thoughts that I didn't notice the students around me were skipping down the corridor. Some were giggling, and some looked baffled.

"What the-?" I muttered, and then the spell hit me too. My legs forced me to skip just like the group of third years beside me. I twisted my head around looking for the culprit, and I saw the end of a swishing wand next to a column at the end of the hallway.

"Finite Incantatem," I commanded, and I stopped skipping and so did my classmates. The wand quickly disappeared. I shook my head, tempted to run after James, who obviously had been hiding under his cloak. But I was secretly thankful for his distraction from my thoughts on Severus, so I proceeded to class peacefully. Who knew there'd be a day that I would be thankful for one of Potter's pointless pranks.

* * *

The remainder of the week was uneventful. I didn't talk to Severus again. I was surprised to find I wasn't dreading meeting James nearly as much as I had been the week before. I felt embarrassed, slightly, when I thought of my delirious conversation with him from the past Saturday, but I was determined to not let that affect me. I had broken my foot after all. So on Wednesday at 6:30, I returned to the charms classroom to find James already sitting there. His mouth spread into a wide grin when I arrived, like he hadn't expected me to show. He really did have a great smile.

"Are we ready?" he said, rubbing his hands together. One hand looked like it was floating because his invisibility cloak was clearly folded over his arm. I almost laughed at how odd it looked.

"For what?"

"Breaking into the Slytherin's common room," he replied, raising his eyebrows in a way that said 'How 'bout it?'. His eyes settled intently on mine. He was clearly waiting to see how I would react to this proposition, but I didn't let myself believe that I had understood him correctly.

"Er, what?"

"You heard me," he smiled recklessly. "What do you say, Evans?"

I still didn't say anything. My immediate reaction, incredibly, was 'let's do it'. Honestly, I was just as curious as James to figure out why the Slytherin's had set weekly meetings, and if and how they were leaving the school. I was also so annoyed by Severus that I wanted to do anything to cross him, even if he wouldn't know about it. And breaking into the Slytherin common room with James was an idealistic way to stab him. My common sense, however, was clearly screaming at me a very loud 'no'. Break into the Slytherin common room? It was insanity! But why wasn't my voice working to deny his proposal? And why wasn't my gut strongly against it?

"How would we do it?" I finally asked casually.

James's face split into an even wider grin.

"Potter, that wasn't me agreeing to go," I defended, reading his reaction clearly.

"I know. But you didn't reject it immediately, which is what I expected."

I wasn't sure how to respond. I didn't like that James felt like he could predict my decisions, but I also didn't like that I seemed to be playing into the choice that he wanted - agreeing to break into the Slytherin common room.

"Look," James said, sensing my uncertainty. "The break-in will be easy. I have my cloak and I have the map. All we have to do is camp outside the Slytherin common room, invisible, of course, then follow an unsuspecting student in. Once in, we'll head up to the 7th year's dormitory, and camp there until the 6th and 7th years arrive. Then we can wait, hidden, until they leave the castle. We'll leave when they're gone.

"What if their meeting was cancelled and they don't leave tonight?"

"Then we'll sleep in the 7th years' dormitory."

I raised my eyebrows.

James rolled his eyes, smiling. "Come off it, Evans. Don't you know who you're talking to? We'll still be invisible and we'll still have the map. I promise I've navigated myself out of much stickier situations."

Now that I believed. My mind left the conversation, however, and traveled to the place where I still couldn't believe that I was having another civil conversation with James. Seriously, this had never happened before sixth year. What had caused this change? Was I different? Or was James?

"So, Evans," James said, bringing me back to reality, "You in?"

I nodded.

"Excellent," James said happily. "Then let's get moving." He opened up his invisibility cloak and invited me inside.

Check me into St. Mungo's. I was officially out of my mind. My legs carried me towards James, and within seconds, he threw the cloak over both of us. The cloak still gave me an odd sensation - it was so liberating - and the rush of excitement that I had felt during that first prank at the start of term was flooding back to me. What had happened to my brilliant plan to stay away from James? I pondered that thought momentarily, but quickly brushed it away as we proceeded out of the classroom.

"You're even quieter than Sirius," James whispered as we tiptoed down the charms corridor. "That's impressive."

"How often do you two sneak out under this?" I whispered back.

"Often enough," James replied.

"I can see you're really working on being open with me."

"Well, you are a prefect, Evans."

"Thanks for reminding me when I'm about to break about ten school rules."

I heard James snicker quietly. "You know, I really never thought we'd get to this point."

"You're right, what am I doing here? Let's go back."

But James kept directing us down the hallway. "I didn't mean it like that, Evans. I'm surprised that we seem to be getting along, that's all I mean."

His comment rattled around in my brain a few times as we headed through a tapestry and down a staircase to the potions dungeons. I guess he was finding it as strange as I was that we kept having civil conversations. "Yeah, I've been surprised, too."

He laughed and playfully pinched my side. "You don't have to sound so sad about it."

The pinch made me jump and shiver and reminded me how close I was to James under this cloak. Civil conversations I could deal with. Touching me, however, was not okay. And I was just about to tell James so, but he started speaking.

"Shh, someone's coming," he whispered quickly, and he pulled me beside a suit of armor.

Two Slytherin students, probably 2nd years, were making their way back from dinner to what I supposed was the Slytherin common room. They were talking loudly about transfiguration homework they felt was worthless. It hit me that James and I needed to hurry if we wanted to make it into the Slytherin 7th years' dormitory before the older students finished with dinner. James apparently thought these two were our perfect target because as they rounded the next corner, James began moving from the suit of armor.

"Keep very quiet," he muttered out of the corner of his mouth.

I nodded, though I'm not sure if he could see it. Stealthily but rapidly we crept down the corridor, and within seconds we'd rounded the corner from where the two Slytherin seconds years had just disappeared from view. James seemed to know where he was going, rather than just following the students, so I wondered if he had sometime done this before. My heart pounded in my chest as we prowled like cats, slinking along a new hallway silently. Soon we were traveling down a staircase, then another. I was amazed that the Slytherin common room was in the depths of the school. How depressing it must be for them, compared to how rich and cheerful our common room was atop a tower.

We rounded a final corner and came to a bare patch of stone wall.

"Snake Venom," the burlier of the two Slytherin boys said, and the stone door slid sideways, allowing the two boys entry. James quickly put his arm around me and quite forcefully pushed me through the door before it shut. It sent chills down my spine, reminding me that the last time we'd been this close was that day at the park.

Before I had a chance to really linger on the thought, James was directing me to the left, past a few students who were relaxing in high-backed chairs. The green glow of the lamps made the room feel almost dungeon-like even though there was a warm fire burning under an ornate mantle. No wonder this house produced dark wizards - it was seriously gloomy and eerie. But after we walked up the staircase, my tune changed significantly.

The Slytherin dormitory was rectangular. The room had six beds total, four on one wall and two on the opposite wall, a gorgeous large wardrobe of dark wood between them. The real treat, however, was the view. The room was perched just on top of the lake. Looking out of the window was almost like living on a boat. The lake looked expansive and inspiring. The water sent a beautiful sparkle around the room and the subtle sounds of the ripples of water were soothing and peaceful.

"Wow," I gasped as I stared out the window.

"The one decent perk of being a Slytherin," James agreed. "I was impressed the first time I saw it too."

"You've been here before?"

"Yes, to all the common rooms - well, technically we didn't get inside Hufflepuff."

"What for?"

"Research."

I rolled my eyes. Was he ever going to open up to me?

"We should station ourself in that corner," he said, ignoring my obvious frustration. "That gives us the best view of the doorway."

"Fine," I mumbled grumpily, trudging over to the corner, then sliding down the wall with a frown. James sat down next to me and fiddled with the invisibility cloak to ensure it was properly covering us. He pulled out his map and muttered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," but instead of opening it immediately, he looked sideways. The expression in his eyes was odd, like he was sizing me up. It made me uncomfortable so I quickly broke our eye contact and looked down at the parchment.

I read, "Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs purveyors of aids to magical mischief-makers are proud to present the Marauder's Map."

I heard James sigh quietly, then open the parchment to reveal the map. "The 7th years are still in the Great Hall. It looks like Snape and Mulciber are on their way back to the common room."

"Cool," I muttered. But I was very uninterested in where the Slytherin's were. Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. I turned the names over in my head a few times, wondering why they were seemingly haunting the depths of my brain. Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs. I shut my eyes, trying to focus on the memory, but James's breathing was starting to annoy me. Messrs. Moony - that's it! On the train, Peter called Remus Moony! But if Remus was Moony, then that meant that he ... he... created the map? It couldn't be. And who were Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs? They couldn't really be James, Sirius and Peter, could they? The idea seemed preposterous, yet, as I ran it over in my mind multiple times, it fit with the cover of the map. I quickly decided that if James, Sirius and Peter were Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, Peter had to be Wormtail, because James or Sirius would never take a nickname like that. That meant James and Sirius were Padfoot and Prongs. Yes, that was definitely right because Padfoot and Prongs had a nice ring to it - something that marauding duo would ensure when picking nicknames. But who was who?

"Are you mad at me, Evans?" James asked.

"Not mad, maybe frustrated, and a bit annoyed," I replied.

"Noted. Evans, just try to understand one thing."

"What's that?"

"We've been getting along pretty well recently And, well, I don't really want to say something to screw it up."

"Noted. But the truth will come out sooner or later anyway." I gave him a piercing look to try to tell him with my eyes that I was starting to figure out what he was hiding with the map. But he didn't get it. He mumbled something but I couldn't understand him.

"What was that?"

"The Slytherin's are coming," he said quickly.

No more than a second later the door swung open and the 6th and 7th year Slytherins trudged in. Goyle was laughing trollishly at something Nott had said. MacNair walked over to his bedside and began sharpening a knife. Bellatrix Black's shrill cackle pierced the room as she sat down on what appeared to be Rodolphus Lestrange's bed. Oh, she was horrible. I felt James twitch uncomfortably.

"I do hope he's there tonight!" she said excitedly.

Rodolphus sat down next to her and put his arm around her. "He will come when we're ready," he said.

"But he needs to meet Reg!"

That was when I noticed the small black-haired boy standing in the room, too. It was Regulus Black, but he was only a second year, wasn't he? He was fiddling with his fingers looking wildly uncomfortable. He looked so much like a younger Sirius that I had to cover my mouth to not let out a gasp of disgust. I saw James's hand clench into a fist.

"It's time," Mulciber said.

Bellatrix jumped up at once and grabbed Regulus's hand. "Come with me, dear cousin," she grinned like she was giving him a real treat. She marched him over to the wadrobe. "In you go. That's it," she said, as she guided him inside. She shut the door. There was a small popping noise, and when she opened the door, he was gone. She went in next, shut the door, and when Rodolphus opened it, she too was gone.

One by one the Slytherins disappeared. Severus was again the last in the room. He was leaning against one of the bed posts. "I will fix this," he said to himself, and then he too marched into the wardrobe.

He will fix what? But before I could think on it, James flung the cloak off of us and launched into a tirade. "I can't believe they've already recruited Regulus!" he said angrily. "He's only 12! 12! Those good-for-nothing cowards, those swines, those monsters -"

I put my hand on James's shoulder. "We have to tell Professor Dumbledore."

But James shook his head. "We can't, Evans. Or they'll all be expelled. And then he'll really have reign to do whatever he wants with them."

I thought about James's words - that we couldn't tell Professor Dumbledore. This was a serious breach of security to the school and we weren't going to go to the headmaster with it? But I thought about James's point, and it was very true. If Dumbledore did find out they were leaving the school illegally, he probably would have to expel them. I couldn't be responsible for expelling Severus, or Regulus, for that matter. But if they were really leaving the school to meet - to meet...

"By 'he,' do you mean ..." I couldn't finish the question. I couldn't voice that Severus may have just left the castle to meet-

"Yes, Evans, Voldemort."

I frowned. It was all I could do. I felt extremely sad - and scared.

"We have to see where they went," he said determinedly.

"Don't be stupid, Potter," I replied, shaking my head. "We have no idea where this thing takes you, or how to get back."

"Chances are it has a sister," James said, touching the wardrobe and examining it closely.

"A sister?"

"Yes, a matching wardrobe that transports the traveler back and forth between the two objects. Sirius and I sort of copied the magic for some mirrors we made so we could communicate when we were in separate detentions."

I didn't have much time to marvel at James and Sirius's cleverness. James had opened up the wardrobe door and stepped inside.

"Are you coming?"

I was appalled. But I found myself walking over to James's side. I couldn't let him do this alone. He threw the cloak over us and shut the door.

* * *

**A/N: I just went to Harry Potter world for the first time, and omg, it was so so so (x 50 more so's) brilliant. The Hogwarts ride was seriously wicked, and merlin's beard, I loved the pumpkin juice!**

**I'm doing tons of research to try to make this story as accurate as possible. If you notice any flaws, please let me know and I will fix. Oh, and of course, REVIEW puh-lease. xxxxxxoooooo - Kate**


	9. Late Lily

**A/N: My friend Lacy: "Muggle? Is that like a puggle?"**

**Me: ::pause:: "No." ::crickets crickets::**

**That awkward moment when I make a Harry Potter reference and my muggle friend doesn't understand it.**

**Erm, and what is a puggle?**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Late Lily_

I couldn't breathe. James was right. The wardrobe had a sister. After an uncomfortable trip between the two wardrobes, in which I felt like my body was compressed to the size of a toothpick, here we stood, in a new wardrobe. I could tell because the wood was a subtly lighter color.

"I can't hear anything," James murmured.

I listened with all my might but couldn't hear anything over the pounding of my heart. And Merlin's beard, it was loud. James made sure we were still fully covered by the invisibility cloak, then slowly cracked the door.

"Clear," he whispered, then he very carefully opened the door further, making sure it didn't creak.

My senses were on overdrive, but the thought that kept crossing my mind over and over and over was that we shouldn't be here. This wasn't some stupid prank within the securities of the school, and I wasn't sure if James understood that. It scared me slightly about him.

I tiptoed after James as he exited the wardrobe, my hand resting on his arm so I was sure to make every move exactly the same as he did. Our invisibility was absolutely critical - that much I definitely understood. His skin was warm.

We had walked into a sort of sitting room. Faint light from a room down the hall cast eerie shadows in the room's corners. Two ornate victorian chairs sat facing a drafty, unlit fire - both unoccupied, thank goodness. Moldings at least a foot long lined the upper portions of the wall, their curvature adding a grandness to the room. We were clearly in a manor or small castle.

James pointed to a painting above the fireplace. It was a portrait of three very blonde family members.

"The Malfoys," I murmured.

James let out a sort of growl of disgust and began tiptoeing towards the hallway leading to the lighted room. I lightly grabbed his arm though and shook my head. I had such a bad feeling about this that I felt nearly like I was losing my ability to breathe. But he kept moving, leaving me no choice but to walk towards the lighted room as well or risk losing the concealment of the invisibility cloak.

Bellatrix's shrill cackle erupted from the lit room making the hair on the back of my neck stand completely on end. Oh, it was never good when she was happy. As we inched closer, voices became clearer and clearer. The pompous voice speaking now belonged to Malfoy.

"The Dark Lord is pleased with your dedication. He will come here the night before your holiday to assess your progression. Now let's spend the rest of this meeting and our next few making sure you do not disappoint him."

There was some general muttering of approval. Bellatrix was clearly whispering excitedly, but I couldn't understand her.

I suddenly heard a sort of swishing noise across the old wood floors. I looked down and took a huge intake of breath. An infant house elf was crawling along the floor and it had heard me. It looked over at me and James, and although I was pretty sure it couldn't see us, it's large green eyes were wide and curious. I marveled for a moment at the infant, realizing I had never actually thought about house elves as anything but adults. But I knew better than to think this elf could be our friend. I nudged James on the arm to try to get his attention.

"What Evans?" he hissed, but he had been too loud and the house elf started crying.

"Dotty!" I heard Malfoy scream. "Where are you, you wretched elf! I told you to keep that thing quiet!"

I heard small footsteps, then a thump, and the door which James and I had been listening through opened. Light flooded the hallway and we slammed ourselves up against the wall. As the adult house elf tottered towards the baby, rubbing its back, I continuously prayed that we were still covered by the cloak. The elf scooped the baby into its arms, patted it to try to make it stop crying, then carried it out to what looked like the foyer.

"Shut the door, will you, Igor?" Malfoy said, to which a dark-haired man obliged and we returned into darkness.

James tugged on my arm and started leading me towards the wardrobe. Well, about time! It took a few more painful seconds to exit the hallway and cross the sitting room, but finally, we were back in the wardrobe. I muttered, "Muffliato" to conceal the sound of our travels. We navigated out of the Slytherin's dormitory and only had to wait a few minutes for someone to open the common room door. We snuck out with ease. I didn't breathe a word to James our entire tiptoe back to the charms classroom. I didn't know what to say to him. I think I was angry, honestly, that he'd been so impulsive and irrational. After we walked into the classroom, James ripped off the cloak.

"Wow, Evans!" he exclaimed, jumping up with enthusiasm. "That was brilliant!"

"No, Potter, that was mental." I couldn't believe that he was smiling.

But James kept grinning. "Can you believe what we just heard?"

I hadn't thought about the relevancy of what we had just heard. I cared more about what we had just done. I shook my head at him, and his smile began to falter.

"Potter, that was stupid. Anything could have happened and we wouldn't even have been in the confines of the school. Not even Dumbledore could have helped us there."

"Okay, it was a little stupid, but, Evans, we're fine," James replied, nonchalantly, like we had just dungbombed the teacher's lounge.

"I really don't like your tone! Any number of things could have gone wrong! We didn't even have a plan!"

"Well, get used to stuff like that, Evans, if you want to be an Auror!"

I rolled my eyes at him. "Potter, we're not Aurors yet. We're students!"

James folded his arms across his chest. "I thought you were made of thicker stuff than this, Evans."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Don't insult me, Potter, when I'm just worried about your safety."

This shut James up, and really, it shut me up too. I suppose it was obvious that I'd never want anything bad to happen to James. I mean, we were classmates after all. But I'd never said anything like it out loud before. And, really, I guess I wasn't angry at all. I was scared. I was scared for James.

I bit my lip and I saw James lightly kick a table leg. He looked uncomfortable. Maybe he was finally getting over me. A year ago, if I had told him I care, he would have asked me out on a date instantly. My mouth went a little dry and my stomach went numb, but I wasn't sure what that meant. I swallowed the feelings down by proceeding with our conversation.

"So I suppose our next mission is going to be to try to destroy the magic connecting the two wardrobes," I finally voiced, to which James looked at me surprised.

"You don't have to, Evans. I shouldn't have brought you into this."

I marched straight up to him, so my face was a mere foot from his. His eyes looked so passionate it made my insides squirm slightly. I swallowed again. "A guy I really care about will be meeting Voldemort in three weeks time. I'm in on this now, for good, you hear me?"

James nodded, though he looked disgruntled. But if he looked disgruntled when I talked about Severus, did that mean he still cared about me too? I mentally kicked myself. I was trying to analyze the actions and facial expressions of a guy who I had never understood. That's fighting a losing battle, and a total waste of energy. And since when did I care about how James felt about me? I laughed slightly at myself, which James noticed. For some reason, this made him look even more unhappy.

"We'll have to sever the connection," James said grumpily. What a baby. I rolled my eyes. James seriously needed to get over that I cared about Severus. I would always care about Severus, even if he made me angry when I thought about him, and even if we never again were friends.

"How do you expect we do that?" I asked.

"By destroying the inside of the Slytherin's wardrobe," James said brusquely, like this was obvious. I shot him a look of incredulity, feeling annoyed that he was talking to me like I was a dolt. And so, I retaliated.

"We'll probably need Padfoot's help," I said casually.

I realized it wasn't right of me to throw this trick into an already emotional conversation, but I couldn't help it. It was a 50/50 chance that Sirius was either Padfoot or Prongs based on my theory with the map. And James was being a total imbecile and completely deserved it.

"Of course," James replied. "Sirius is excellent with..."

My trick had worked, though I didn't have time to celebrate my success. And what Sirius was excellent with, I didn't find out. James gave me a piercing look, looking even more sour. "How did you know that Padfoot is Sirius?"

"Lucky guess," I replied, holding his gaze determinedly. "I'm not kidding, Potter. The truth about your secrets is going to come out sooner or later, whether you like it or not."

James frowned. "It's got its perks, Evans, you being so clever. But it also has its drawbacks."

"Right," I snapped.

"You don't always have to be so sensitive."

"You don't always have to be so bigheaded."

"Evans, stop acting like such a girl."

"Potter, stop acting like such a jerk."

"What are we, first years?"

Oh he made me so angry! "Let's plan out our attack on that wardrobe another night," I retorted.

"Good idea," James grumbled. And I stormed out the classroom and back to the Gryffindor common room.

* * *

I marched over to Alice when I reached the common room and handed her my wand.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"I'm about to curse the buttocks off Potter," I fumed.

She raised her eyebrows. "What were you doing with Potter?"

Woops.

"I saw that Remus didn't go to your 'prefects' meeting' last week, either," she mused.

I ground my teeth and stared at her guiltily.

"What have you been doing with _James_?" Alice pushed.

Mary came and sat down, her potions book in hand.

"Need help with the homework, Mary?" I asked.

"Oh, sure-"

"You can grab mine, Mary, it's up on my bed, already done," Alice chimed.

"Oh, okay," Mary said, standing up again and walking back towards the girls' staircase.

I frowned and stuck my tongue out at Alice.

"So what were you two doing?" she pressed again.

"James was helping me spy on Severus," I said quietly. I hated that I wasn't going to be completely open with her. But I couldn't tell her everything. I couldn't bring her into this mess I'd created with James for one thing, and I couldn't risk her telling Frank, who'd tell someone else, who'd tell Dumbledore, and ultimately get Severus expelled.

Now Alice frowned.

"I know you don't like him," I said quickly, "But he stopped being my friend, and I wanted to know why."

"And James agreed to help you?" she asked incredulously.

I shrugged. "Well, yeah."

Alice laughed, shaking her head. "He really will do anything for you, you do know that?"

"Eww," I grimaced.

"Well, did you at least uncover the dark and slimy deeds Snape's up to then?"

I shrugged again, praying she wouldn't see through me. Thankfully, I was saved by James stomping his feet through the portrait hole.

"Well, excuse me!" I heard the fat lady yell after him.

James threw one nasty look at me, to which I rolled my eyes, then sauntered over to Sirius, Peter, and Remus.

Alice laughed again.

"What's so funny?" I grumbled.

Now Alice shrugged, but that subtle smile I'd seen before lingered on her lips.

* * *

I tried to talk to James once the following Monday. We started fighting again, and it was ugly. I don't even know how it started, but it ended with me calling him a conceited meathead and him calling me an attention-seeking suck-up. We didn't talk again. He ignored me in classes. I ignored him in the hallways. We caught eyes in the common room a few times, but neither of us smiled. It seemed James really had reached the end of his days of liking me.

Even though the castle was starting to look fabulous - Hagrid had brought in at least a dozen trees and Professor Flitwick had bedecked them with fabulous sparkling jewels - I found myself subdued.

* * *

It was on Friday that I realized a rather disgruntling fact - James and I had started to get to know each other decently over the last few months. And when he got to know me, he stopped liking me. How's that for shallow? Yep, James was the bigheaded, egocentric, insensitive prat I'd always assumed him to be.

* * *

The following Friday I ran into Severus in the hallways - like, literally, ran into him. I dropped three books, he dropped a quill and some parchment.

"How are you?" I asked, as we both stooped down to pick up our belongings.

"Fine," he said quickly.

"Are you in trouble?" I whispered.

I don't know what we made me say it - it just sort of blurted out.

Severus looked at me surprised. I noticed the slightest nod of his head and he opened his mouth, but he suddenly snapped it shut.

"No," he replied hastily. And he picked up his quill and took off down the hallway with Avery who had been passing, leaving me on the floor staring after him sadly.

* * *

On Sunday I realized there were five days until the holidays, so James and I had to plan our attack on the wardrobe. I marched up to the 6th year boys' dormitory door and knocked.

I heard voices suddenly muffle, so I opened the door, but covered my eyes.

"Hope you're all decent," I announced.

"We are," said Remus. I uncovered my eyes.

James, Sirius, Peter and Remus were each sitting on their beds. This was my first time in the boys' dormitory. I was expecting to find it in a sort of explosion, but really, it wasn't much messier than my own dormitory. Some cloaks and robes and books were spread across the floor, and some posters of pretty witches and quidditch teams were fixed to the walls. James had posted by his bed a list of 'illegal' spells, but from what I could tell, they were just simple curses.

"So what do you want, Evans?" James asked. He didn't exactly say it meanly, but it wasn't friendly either.

"To get the plan set for destroying the wardrobe," I replied.

James frowned, but Sirius spoke up.

"It'll be during dinner Friday. You and Peter will be lookouts. He'll have the map and stay in the dormitory with us, you'll have this mirror and stay out in the potions corridor. It'll allow you to communicate with James."

"I'll be in the potions corridor?"

"To warn us if any 6th or 7th year Slytherins seem to be making their way to the common room."

Now I frowned. "Why can't I help with the wardrobe?"

"Because Sirius and I have got it covered, really," James said abruptly. "Sirius is clearly the best in our year with fireworks and pyrotechnics."

Because of his tone, I couldn't help but look at him surprised. Apparently time had only made him more upset with me.

"And you'll have the best excuse, roaming the halls - since you're a prefect," Remus added nicely.

"Well, so are you," I replied.

"Oh, er, I have to leave Hogwarts, er, early, so I won't be here Friday," he said. I knew what that meant - full moon on Friday. Poor Remus.

"I hope you feel better quickly," I said sympathetically. He nodded his thanks.

I turned and looked at the rest of the boys. James was staring at me darkly, his hazel eyes full of unhappiness.

"What is your problem, Potter?"

"Nothing," he snapped. "I just want Friday to hurry up and get here so we can get this over with."

Well, that made two of us. James was becoming more repugnant by the minute. And really, he was making me feel bad about myself. But what had I done wrong? I mean, we fought a few weeks ago - but we've fought for the last 6 years. That wasn't exactly new.

"Well, I guess let me know if you need any help or the plan changes. If not, er, I guess I'll see you all Friday," I said, backing towards the door.

"See ya, Lily," Remus said.

I shut the door with a snap, but stood there a moment to take a few deep breaths. What was James's problem? I hated _hated_ how James was able to get under my skin. This whole mess was his fault anyway. He shouldn't have been so drastic and careless and... I stopped myself. I shouldn't care about what he thinks about me. I shouldn't. But for some extremely stupid and unexplainable reason, I did.

And then it hit me, like a ton of pewter cauldrons, I cared about what James thought because, over the last few months, since I've gotten to know James, I'd grown to care about him.

I cared about James.

I shut my eyes to try to block it out - to reject it - but the words screamed across my vision in giant letters with a thousand exclamation marks.

I cared about James, and not just in a friendly way.

"Prongs, what is your problem?" I heard Sirius ask through the door.

"Evans, is my problem," he replied. "She's uptight, judgmental, and a know-it-all. I'm sick of her antics, and I'm sick of her."

Sirius laughed. "Have we seen the end of your lovesick days?"

"Definitely. I'm completely over Lily Evans."

I bit the inside of my lip. I have such good timing.

* * *

**A/N: Bugger, James, and poor Lily. They'd appreciate your feedback. :)**


	10. Lamenting Lily

**A/N: :D I AM ALL SMILES! The reviews/favorites last chapter were so extremely supportive/advice-filled/awesome!**

**I got a swell number of alert adds, too, and I'm guessing/hoping that means you like it so far? Or else want to laugh at it - but either way, I appreciate the readership!**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Lamenting Lily_

Alice asked me four times Sunday night what was bothering me but I couldn't say it out loud. I cared that James Potter was over me. And even worse, I cared about James Potter. His name echoed in my ears, weighing down any happiness that could have surfaced had a happy thought wanted to creep in to my head. I went to bed around eight o'clock - or, I drew the hangings around my bed at eight o'clock - drowning in my bafflement that I actually fell for James Potter - the guy I had disliked for so long - and the irony that he no longer liked me.

James's former words rang through my head. 'One day, Evans, I'll get over you, and you'll miss me.' Who would have thunk James would have predicted that one correctly?

Waking up Monday morning was even worse. I had to convince myself that the conversation I'd heard the day before had legitimately happened, and so I replayed it over in my head, like, a thousand times. I skipped breakfast because I couldn't eat, and trudged to transfiguration in poor spirits. I sat in the back of the class, trying to hide in the shadows. Sirius and Remus strolled in a few minutes after I did, and I couldn't help but look for James. He wasn't with them and I felt both relieved and disappointed. Severus then strolled in and took the seat farthest from me across the room. I felt his eyes flick my way, but I ignored him. Alice scurried in a few minutes later and sat down on my right.

"You look tired," she said.

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"I'd have a much better chance of making you feel better if you'd tell me what's wrong," she replied.

"There's nothing - "

But I didn't finish my sentence. James walked in, his hair still wet from a recent shower. My heart skipped so badly that it made me cough. He looked around the room, and it was at that moment I realized, with horror, the only open seat was the one on my left side.

"Are you two still fighting?" Alice murmured.

"You could say that," I whispered quickly.

James sat down and nodded his head at me. "Evans," he said curtly.

"Potter," I replied quietly.

I hated that I could hardly use my voice in front of him, but I felt like I was sitting on needles, and it was somehow affecting my vocal cords. My ears suddenly had super powers because each breath he took and each move he made rattled my eardrums so much I almost couldn't hear Professor McGonagall as she began lecturing the class.

I intensely took notes because it was something to keep my brain and hands busy. I'm moderately sure I wrote each word Professor McGonagall spoke, verbatim.

James made a weird breathing noise so I glanced at him. He was looking at me with his eyebrows raised.

"Is there a problem?" I whispered.

But he shook his head, slouched in his chair, and began twirling his quill with his fingers. He looked good. I groaned - out loud, apparently.

"Is there a problem?" he asked me. He ran his fingers through his hair.

I shook my head, bit my lip, and carried back on with my notes.

About half way through the period a third year slytherin sauntered into the room and handed a stack of letters to Professor McGonagall.

"Invitations," he announced, smugly, "to the annual Slughorn Christmas Dinner Party."

Professor McGonagall pursed her lips. "Thank you, Everett. I will be sure to pass these out after the lesson."

The boy smirked and bowed himself out.

At the end of the lesson, Professor McGonagall passed out the letters. I received one, as did Alice, James, Sirius, Severus and two Ravenclaws. Indeed it was an invitation for Slughorn's dinner party set on Friday at 7pm - right in the middle of when we were planning to attack the Slytherin's wardrobe.

As Alice packed up her belongings, I whispered to James, "So change of plans?"

He shrugged and joined Sirius and Remus at the door.

"Frank will be pleased," Alice said, reading the letter. "He told me he kind of always wanted to go to one of these."

My stomach dropped. I'd forgotten - to the Christmas party, we're supposed to bring a date. Who was I going to bring? And worse, who was James going to bring? Well, at least I fully agreed with James now. I really couldn't wait for Friday to be over with. I'd never looked forward to going home for the holiday break so much in my entire life.

* * *

After another full day of sulking, I decided around midday on Tuesday to change my attitude. If James was really over me, well then, that was his loss. At least, I kept telling myself that. I was determined to do my best to get through this last week of classes with the best attitude possible. We then had a whole three weeks off for the holidays. I could finish my sulking then, if needed, without Alice's thousands of pestering questions.

And step 1 to "Operation Repair Lily" was to look my best. Sometimes I find to make me feel better on the inside, I like to doll up the outside. Shallow, possibly, but true. And so after lunch, I curled my hair, put on eye liner and mascara, grabbed a tighter green sweater to wear under my robes, and set off for charms.

I felt James's eyes flicker to me a few times throughout the lesson, and each time it made me smile with satisfaction. He didn't flirt with me for six years because he found me ugly, and it felt good to remind him of that.

Those good feelings were short lived though. When James passed me in the hallways the next day, a stoic expression locked on his face, I again came to the sad realization that James was still only attracted to me physically, and not attracted to me personally. And that, really, did not make me feel good at all.

I hate it, seriously, how guys can totally screw with your head.

* * *

On Wednesday afternoon I cornered Remus.

"How's the plan changing?" I asked him after I pulled him into an empty classroom.

Remus looked at me confused for a second, then smiled guiltily, as if he realized he couldn't lie to me. "They've made up a lie to Slughorn, telling him they can't get to the party until 7:30 because of a quidditch practice."

I furrowed my brow. "Couldn't Slughorn see through that? Potter is captain and sets the practices and it's the night before the holiday - they don't have a match for ages."

"James is a good liar," Remus said. He looked me directly in the eyes when he said that, like it should mean something to me. I shrugged, because I didn't know what else to do.

"How are they going to ensure the 7th years' dormitory will be empty? Not everyone will be going to Slughorn's party and not everyone will be going to the normal dinner."

"They're confident they can manage with the map and cloak," Remus said quietly, like he too knew it was a weak plan.

I raised my eyebrows at him.

"Lily, this isn't your problem anymore."

I shook my head. "I disagree," I replied simply.

* * *

I rolled it over in my head a hundred times what I should do. Even though James was a prat, dolt, wanker, idiot.. er, I could keep going forever... I didn't want James and Sirius to get caught. I really really didn't. If those 7th years were meeting with... Voldemort (just the thought made me shiver), then James and Sirius would be in severe trouble if they were caught. Who knows what Voldemort would to do them if he knew they were working against him? That night I holed myself up in the library, scouring over every book of charms and defensive spells I could get my hands on.

I got three paper cuts because I was trying to work too quickly, and my eyes were itching due to their dry state, but just before ten o'clock I found success. I almost yelped with excitement as I threw the book into my bookbag.

Now to test it.

I glanced around the common room and noticed none of the girls from my dormitory were there. Perfect.

I marched upstairs, forcing myself to not look at James who was sitting with the rest of the marauders around the fire. Mary was lying on her bed, her potions book propped on a pillow. No one else was in the room, but that was okay. Mary would work.

"Hi Lily," she said quietly.

"Hey Mary, could you do me a favor?" I asked.

"What is it?"

"Could you ask Remus for the prefect assignments for the train rides on Saturday? I would, but James is really mad at me and they're sitting together, and well, I just don't really feel like dealing with him."

She nodded. "I need a break from this read anyway." She tossed the book on her pillow and walked out the door.

I quickly pulled out the book and flipped to a page I had marked. There were the four incantations I had searched hours for - incantations to repel unwanted guests and protect certain locations.

I muttered each of them as quickly and strongly as I could, then cast a "muffliato" charm. I waited five minutes. Mary didn't return. I screamed at the top of my lungs. No one came running. I ran around the room, jumping, cackling, singing, clapping - I had to look like a real madwoman - and still no one came. Fifteen minutes passed, then twenty.

"Finite incantatem," I mumbled.

As I walked downstairs, I noticed most of the students had cleared out, but James, Sirius, Remus and Peter were still sitting by the fire.

"Hi," I said. "Has Mary stopped by?"

Remus nodded. "Yeah, she asked about prefect information for you. Then started up your staircase, but yelped about having an urgent meeting with Professor McGonagall. She left maybe ten minutes ago.

I smiled triumphantly.

"What's up, Lily?" Remus asked.

I glanced around the room. It was nearly empty, but I decided to not take any chances. I sat down on the floor in front of the fire and mumbled, "Muffliato."

"What is that spell you keep mumbling?" James asked.

"It makes it so other people can't hear your conversation," I replied smartly.

Sirius looked at me surprised. "Oiy!" he yelled loud enough to make me cover my ears. He looked around the room curiously, but none of the remaining students seemed to have noticed his screech.

"Excellent," he said excitedly. "That'll be handy, won't it, Pro-." He stopped short. "Er, probably."

I couldn't help it. I smiled again. "I know he's Prongs," I nodded my head towards James, "and you're Padfoot, Remus is Moony, and Peter is Wormtail."

Sirius's eyes widened, and he punched James in the arm. "You told her?"

James frowned grumpily, rubbing his arm, which only made me smile wider. "No. She figured it out."

Sirius looked hard at James's face, then started to laugh. "Is that why you were so mad the other day?" Sirius asked James, but James just continued to glower. "Oh, you're too clever, Lily."

I blushed, but couldn't be deterred from revealing my recent discovery. I pulled out the textbook and handed it to James. "This will help you on Friday. They're repelling, disillusionment, and protective charms. I just tried it upstairs - worked wonderfully."

That was the first time I had really looked James in the eyes in days. It still made my heart skip and I hated myself for it. I noticed a slight reddish tint in James's cheeks as he quickly looked down at the book I had handed him. His eyes rapidly scanned over the pages I had marked. Remus peered over his shoulder and quickly read the pages, too.

"It's perfect, Lily," Remus said. "And you made it work?"

I nodded. "Unless Mary really did have a meeting with Professor McGonagall. I believe that third charm on there makes you think you have an urgent meeting far away from the location that's been protected."

As if on cue, Mary trudged back through the portrait hole. She spotted me and began to hurry over. I muttered, "Finite incantatem," to lift the muffliato charm.

"I've just knocked on McGonagall's door! For some crazy reason I thought we had a meeting - she nearly gave me a detention for disturbing her at such a late hour!" she whined.

"Oh Mary! Don't worry," I comforted her. "I'm sure McGonagall won't think on it."

"I'm going to bed," she mumbled, shaking her head in disbelief, and she trudged up the staircase.

"Some friend you are," James muttered as she disappeared.

I frowned at him. "They're tricky spells, Potter. I had to test it, and you both should, too." I nodded towards him and Sirius. The look on James's face - I couldn't understand it. He looked almost like he wanted to laugh and scour at the same time. I hated how much I wanted him to just talk to me - no, to open up to me - no, to tell me what I had done to change his mind about me so completely. I bit my lip. I really needed to stop thinking like that.

An awkward silence passed, then Sirius snickered. "Do you think we could cast these charms so Slughorn can't get into potions tomorrow?"

"Excellent idea, Padfoot," James grinned.

"Now wait a minute-" I started.

Sirius laughed some more. "I don't actually mean it, Lily."

"But where do you think his appointment would be?" Peter asked.

"With a firewhiskey down at the three broomsticks, no question," James replied.

Now all the boys laughed, and I couldn't help but grin, too, because James was probably right.

Alice walked into the common room, followed by Frank. "Hey! Quite the party down here, isn't it?" she asked.

I eyed her suspriciously. "I think the bigger question is what were you two both up to?"

She blushed and ignored me. "I'm tired. 'Night Frank," she kissed him on the cheek. "'Night guys," she waved to the rest of the boys. "Lily, you coming?"

"Yeah. Err, good night," I said. James ignored me, but Sirius, Remus, and Peter all bid me goodnight as well.

At the top of the stairs I remembered that I hadn't found out from Remus if Dumbledore had handed out train assignments for Saturday. As Alice opened the door, I told her I'd be back in a second. I slowly walked down the stairs, wondering if I should just talk to Remus tomorrow - or ask Mary, who had already asked the question to Remus. I paused on the bottom step when I heard Remus's voice.

"These will be quite handy," I heard Remus say, and I presumed he was referring to the spells.

"Yeah, right," James replied sarcastically.

I heard a thump. "Ouch, Padfoot, what was that for?" James said.

"Just trying to wake up the real you that's inside there," Sirius replied.

"What's that supposed to mean?" James said defensively.

"Just that you're not generally this much of a prat," Sirius said calmly.

"Me a prat?" James exclaimed, shocked.

"Just try to be nicer to Lily when she's doing you a favor," Remus interrupted.

I smiled in the shadows. Thank you, Remus.

"You guys don't get it," James said. "Lily's completely out of touch with reality. She's uptight, irrational, and...and... she reads books."

"What?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know," James huffed. "She's just ...ugh, she bothers me."

I sat there in the shadows a moment longer. I should have just walked back upstairs. I really could have talked to Remus tomorrow. But, no, I wanted to stir up some action, so I marched out across the common room. I saw the color leave from James's face, and it made me smile, big.

"I forgot to ask you, Remus. Did Dumbledore give us train assignments yet?"

"He's going to post them tomorrow morning. And sorry, Lily, you'll be doing double shifts to cover for me."

"Not a problem, Remus. Well, thanks."

I turned and started walking back towards my staircase. I paused just before the ascent to my dormitory. "Time to go read some books, I daresay. 'Night all."

I heard Sirius and Peter snicker, but I didn't wait around for any more comments. I felt confident, smart - and confused. You dislike me, James, because I read books? That thought circled my head so much that after I fell asleep, I dreamt I was trapped in the library. The pages of the books kept chasing me screaming, "Read me! Read me! Read me!"

I woke up grumpy, realizing James was even finding ways to pester me in my dreams.

* * *

Thursday morning I decided I wasn't going to take a date to Slughorn's party. It was a cop out, yes. I was scared to ask anyone else. No, I just didn't want to ask anyone else. And ugh, why was James no longer clumped with the "anyone else" category? What had suddenly made him so special in my eyes?

But, my decision was questioned before lunch when I saw James snogging a hufflepuff named Bliss. Yes, her name was Bliss. She's a 5th year, and very pretty, but ugh, her name was Bliss. Her blonde curls actually bounced when she walked - though, very clearly right now she was not walking anywhere.

I dropped my book. Shit, I seriously dropped my book. Yes, I dropped my ruddy potions textbook and it caused James to look up. I could feel my cheeks flush immediately, and I did everything I could to not look at James again. But of course, my intrigue got the better of me, and I glanced back at him as I scooped up my book. He was staring at me, but the look in his eye wasn't anything I had expected. It wasn't cocky, gloating, or even remotely happy. Really, he looked sad.

I quickly turned away and hurried down the hallway. My insides weren't stirring with rage, or disappointment. No, I just felt numb. Shit, were my eyes watering? I took a few deep breaths. Okay, the numbness was wearing off and I was beginning to fall into a feeling of bottomless defeat.

"Lily!" I jumped and turned. Severus was trotting towards me from an intersecting hallway. "Hi!" he said. "You okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

I forced a laugh. "Oh, I'm fine. Just stubbed my toe." There I went, creating another white lie. I really needed to stop doing that.

He shook his head at me. "Be careful, Lily. Listen, do you have a date for Slughorn's party?"

"No," I said slowly.

"Well, I don't either. And, well, I don't think we necessarily need to be dates, per say, but would it be all right if I were to hang out with you some while we're there?"

"Oh." I ran it over in my head. "Er, yeah, okay. Er, so you, er, want to be friends again?"

He smiled. "Please."

My gut disagreed with me, but - oh, I hated admitting this - because I was feeling so upset with James, I nodded. Severus walked away from me with a big grin.

* * *

**A/N: AHHHH. Soooo, I had this chapter substantially written, completely anticipating a New Year's Eve post - and on the 29th of December, well, my boyfriend got down on one knee and proposed! And well, I've been a bit distracted, so my fanfiction writing was very interrupted. I'm moderately out of the clouds now though, so I anticipate getting my chapters out more quickly.**

**And yes, this chapter was a bit of a filler, but promises more action is to come in the next chapter. I'm excited. :)**

**Again, thank you for the reviews! I really appreciate the advice and support last chapter!**

**Bests, Kate**


	11. Leading Lily

**A/N: Thanks for the reviews (omg, over 100 now, yes!)... and the congrats (did say yes, ha)! :) Sending out some specific thank you's to you bomb reviewers - writetoexpress, ksalxo, roflshvuakomail, bieberbeautiful1994,yable, shimmeringbubbles, marinewife08, hanna, joe, candy machine (x10!) and charlie!**

**Apologies for taking so long to post... I was in Mexico - big birthday party for my pops, and only returned Monday. I thought I'd have internet access, but yeah, it was $8 a day and I was frugal.**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Leading Lily_

After classes on Friday, I sat in the common room disgruntled. I really didn't know what the plan was for the attack on the Slytherin's wardrobe, which obviously meant I wasn't involved at all. I completely respected that James and Sirius were better mischief makers than me, but as this task wasn't simple mischief making, I was very peeved that they didn't at least have the courtesy to keep me in the loop of what exactly was going to happen. Did they still need me to stand guard in the corridors with their mirror? Apparently not.

I was already ready for Slughorn's party. Why so early? I have no idea - it had been something to do. My hair was curled, my mascara was on a bit thicker than usual, and I was wearing a simple forest green dress. It had thin straps, a deep V-shaped neckline (though not revealing in the slightest), a natural waist, and the hem hit just above my knee. It was supposed to make me feel pretty, alas, I was not feeling confident in the slightest.

I sat with my nose in my advanced transfiguration book, reading about the spells we'd be studying during spring term - or well, I was pretending to read so Alice wouldn't pester me with questions about my grumpy demeanor.

"So you still don't have a date for Slughorn's?"

"No," I growled. Whoops.

She nudged me on the shoulder and asked innocently, "Why don't you just ask James?"

I stared at her in disbelief and I could feel my cheeks reddening. "You have to be kidding me."

She shrugged.

"Alice, he HATES me. Besides, I'm pretty sure he's taking someone else."

She shrugged again.

"Don't you dare keep shrugging at me. What on earth makes you think I'd want to go with Potter?"

She rolled her eyes at me. "Lily, I've been friends with you for six years. When you disliked James, you made it apparent. Now that you like James, you also make it apparent."

"I can't stand him, just as I never could," I argued stubbornly.

"Really?" she replied. "Then why all those secret meetings with him? Why do you care that he's mad with you? Why do you look at him every two minutes in class? Why, tonight, do your eyes keep darting to the portrait hole?"

I gaped at Alice. Merlin, she was good.

"Don't look at me so surprised. We're not best friends for nothing," she said. She looked amused.

I frowned at her and shook my head. "You're wrong," I still contested. I was fighting my feelings for James. He didn't like me, so I wasn't going to like him. And even if that was a lie, I wasn't going to, or really ready to, admit them out loud, even to Alice.

"I'm not," she disagreed. "Now why don't we go upstairs and you can tell me all about how you finally fell for James Potter."

I stood up. "I'm only going upstairs with you so you stop saying ridiculous lies like that out loud for the whole common room to hear."

She laughed. I did not see the humor. Just as I was about to trudge up the stairs, I heard the portrait hole open.

"Wait, Evans!" James called. I stopped. Sirius, Peter, and James were rushing towards me. I bit the inside of my mouth to stop my smile. Merlin, I was excited he was here, had called my name, and that he looked like he needed me.

"Yes?" I replied politely, turning around completely to face him and his approaching friends.

"Er, er..." James couldn't seem to form words as his eyes raked over me. I wondered wildly if there was something on my face, or if my dress had malfunctioned, or...

But Sirius laughed and pushed James out of the way. "Lily, have a minute to chat? Just for a few, up in our dormitory," he said. "We'll have her back to you at the party," he added to Alice.

"Oh, she has no curfew with me," she grinned. "Have some fun, Lily. And James, she does look lovely, doesn't she?"

I almost choked as I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes at her. But too late, she had already disappeared up the stairs. I glanced at James and noticed his cheeks were rather red as he stared flabbergasted after Alice.

"Alice sure is good at calling it like she sees it," Sirius said, as he nudged James on the shoulder.

"I call it as it is, Sirius!" Alice hollered down the stairs.

"Come on," James muttered, ignoring Sirius and Alice, and leading us up to the 6th year boys' dormitory. James flopped onto his bed and stared up at his hangings, while Sirius and Peter hopped over to their corners of the room. I sat on the corner of Remus's vacant bed and waited for one of the boys to tell me why I was here.

"So, we need your help, Evans," Sirius finally voiced. "Neither James nor I have cast those repelling charms correctly. Can you teach us?"

I looked at them surprised - they were supposed to begin the attack on the Slytherin wardrobe in just under two hours. "I can try."

"Excellent," Sirius said standing up. "James, you go first. I'll try to come up the stairs in about five minutes. Peter will body-bind me if I try to run off to a meeting."

James nodded, and swung his legs to the side of his bed so he was now seated. Sirius and Peter exited, and I felt my heart quicken as I realized I was alone with James for the first time in weeks. He stood up and pulled out his wand. His hair was messy, his shoulders were slightly slouched, and he was slowly shifting his weight back and forth between his two legs. He twirled his wand in his fingers. I couldn't speak when he looked me in the eye.

"So about these charms," James said, awakening me from my momentary lapse in speech.

"Yes, indeed. Do you have the book?" I asked. He pulled it from his nightstand and handed it to me. I read over the spells again and handed it to James. "Well, why don't you try casting them and I'll tell you what you're doing wrong."

He nodded, and walked around the room casting the spells.

"That sounded pretty good, Potter," I said.

"Thank you, Evans," he replied.

"Shall we wait to see if Sirius breaks through?"

"Yes, that sounds good," James said. Wow, we were being very oddly formal.

"How about a spot of tea?" I joked.

James looked at me confused. Whoops, not funny, Lily. We stood silently for another minute. Then I decided to address the elephant in the room.

"Well, I hope you have a _blissful_ time at the party tonight," I said awkwardly.

James frowned. "Evans, that didn't mean - I didn't mean for you to see that."

I shrugged. But was actually confused. Why would he care whether I saw it? I couldn't bring myself to ask any more questions, however, as images of that bouncing blonde-haired head snogging James were flooding my brain so I just stared out the window.

A knock, no, pounding on the door disturbed us a minute later.

"That - was - tougher," Sirius heaved, clutching his ribs as he tried to catch his breath. "Nice teaching, Lily."

"I didn't do anything," I replied.

"Sure you did," James interjected. "Let's try again."

Sirius nodded and exited the room.

"So what do you think I need to improve, Evans?"

I stared at him for a moment - wanting to say, "your attitude" or "your openness" or "your mixed signals."

"Er, Evans?"

"Right," I replied, walking over to the book. I muttered the spells under my breath a few times, trying to figure out if there was a spot where James was improperly enunciating or elongating his syllables.

"Try elongating the 'gar' in the first spell, pronouncing the "au" syllable more like an "o" sound in the second spell, and exaggerating the swish of your wand a bit more in the third spell."

James nodded and again walked around the room muttering the spells. James then sat down on his bed while I leaned on Sirius's bedpost. We kept looking at each other, not saying anything. I felt even more awkward. James and I had been talking so easily just weeks ago, and now I was afraid to say anything.

"Why do you hate me now?" I suddenly blurted.

James looked up at me and frowned but didn't say anything.

"Did I do something? Say something?" I pushed.

James continued to stare at me, then finally stood up and walked over to me. He was maybe a foot from me, staring directly into my eyes. I became self conscious of the number of blinks by my eyelids and I felt my shoulders slouch in trepidation.

"Lily," he started, then paused for a breath. He took another step towards me. There were maybe six inches between us now. I felt my eyes widen. James hadn't said my first name, since, Merlin, first year, maybe? Goodness, this had to be serious. My heart was pounding so hard in my throat that I felt like it was convulsing. How attractive. I gulped.

WHAM. I jumped. Sirius had apparently broken through the spells and slammed on the door. He opened it and grinned. Somehow in the three seconds that had passed, James was now standing back next to his bed.

"That was excellent!" Sirius exclaimed. "I bet you nearly have it now. One more go?"

James ran his fingers through his hair. "No," he said. "I need a break. Your turn." And he walked out of this room without a backward glance at me.

It took me a moment to recover after James had left the room. But I mechanically advised Sirius about the charms like I had James, noting where he should stress syllables of the spells or exaggerate wand movements. But my brain wasn't focused on helping Sirius. I was growing increasingly angry about James and his obnoxious waltz out the room. He was trying to mess with my head, wasn't he? That was the only, and obvious, explanation for how he was just acting. He made it clear just two nights ago that he finds me bothersome and hadn't he just had his tongue down another girl's throat? So why today was he being civil? And using my first name? And why did he get so damn close to me?

Sirius tried the charms three times while angry thoughts of James circled inside my head. After the third try, and third fail, I saw James glance at his watch, and I knew that must mean we were running low on time.

"It's already six," James muttered.

"You give it one more go," Sirius said, but James shook his head.

"Evans, are you sure you can cast these spells?"

Back to using my last name, James? "Yes," I snapped. "Would you like me to prove it?"

James must have sensed the unhappiness in my voice and he looked at me confused. "Er, yeah," he said. And he beckoned Sirius and Peter from the room.

I angrily marched around the room and cast the spells, then flung myself on Remus's bed and waited. My head was still buzzing with unhappy thoughts about James.

I needed to turn it off.

And there was my answer. I needed to just turn off my emotions for James. I didn't need to fight liking him - I just needed to ignore it so that then I could minimize it, and then, of course, eventually eliminate it. Well, it might be easier said than done, but at least it was a plan.

I glanced at my watch. It was nearly 6:10. I muttered, "Finite incantatem," and descended the stairs. James was flat on his face near the portrait hole.

"Your spells work well," Sirius grinned. "I had to knock him down twice."

"Twice?" I asked with satisfaction.

"Twice. After I lifted the body-bind the first time, he still had the appointment in his head, so I had to knock him down again."

Sirius undid the bind as I clenched my jaw to try not to smile. Hadn't I just decided I needed to turn off my emotions when it came to James? But still, knowing that my charms had forced Sirius to body-bind James twice made me feel very smug indeed. James stood up slowly and looked... miffed, to say the least.

"I guess that was effective," he said.

I couldn't help but laugh, and neither could Sirius.

Sirius gulped some air and glanced at his watch. "We need to get going." He first looked at James, then me.

"We?" I asked. "As in me too?"

Sirius looked at James again, and James nodded. "You up for it?"

"Well, yeah," I replied. "Just wasn't expecting it."

"Perfect prefect pranking pixie," Sirius grinned.

"This is not a prank," I corrected Sirius, and I lead the boys out of the portrait hole.

Sirius guided us to an unused classroom, where Peter was waiting for us with a bag of apples. He handed them to James.

"Evening snack?" I asked.

"Not exactly," James replied.

"You know what to do, Peter?" James asked. Peter nodded and patted the mirror tucked into his waistband.

"I'll keep out of sight - no more obvious than a mouse," he replied smartly.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Right. We'll see you in a bit then," James said to Peter. "Evans, Padfoot, over here." And James flung the invisibility coat over us.

"Wait," I said, and I found my way out from the cloak. "In case it doesn't keep our feet covered..." I waved my wand at James's head, Sirius's head, and my own, casting a chameleon charm over us.

I could vaguely make out the outlines of James and Sirius's camouflaged bodies.

"Merlin," James said. "Wicked, Evans."

"Why didn't we recruit Lily to prank with us before now?" Sirius asked James.

"This isn't a prank," I reminded Sirius seriously.

I saw Sirius vaguely nod. It made me slightly nervous how unserious Sirius seemed.

"We have to get moving," James said. He beckoned me to stand in between him and Sirius and he flung the cloak over all three of us.

Walking down the hallway was slow work. We had to tiptoe in sync to ensure our footsteps were consistent so that we didn't trip. We finally reached the deep corridor that housed the entrance to the Slytherin common room, where we waited along the wall.

Student after student kept walking out of the common room entrance on their way to dinner. I frowned, unsure how we were going to get inside. James and Sirius both seemed unworried though, which made me suddenly realized how _okay_ I felt compared to the last time James and I broke into the Slytherin common room. My heart quickened slightly with this thought, but with both James and Sirius on either side of me, I really felt okay.

"Curses," a blonde young Slytherin said as she walked out of the common room entrance with a pack of her classmates. "Girls, I forgot my lipstick. I'll meet you at dinner."

The girls nodded, to which James grabbed my hand and Sirius pushed me forward. James followed within inches of the young blonde girl as she made her way back into the common room. Did I say I wasn't nervous before? My heart was now beating faster than a hummingbird's and my mouth felt like a desert wasteland. It made me want to cough, but I restrained.

Few students were in the common room. Two girls who I didn't know by name but who I knew were on the Slytherin quidditch team looked like giant Christmas ornaments sparkling in the corner - they were definitely dressed for Slughorn's party.

James pulled me quickly through the common room, and we ascended the staircase towards the 7th year's dormitory. James cracked the door. Apparently it was empty because he pulled me and Sirius inside.

"Quick, Evans," he muttered.

That apparently was my cue. I first lifted the chameleon charms from me, James, and Sirius, then I circled around the room muttering the concealment spells. I didn't let myself think what would happen if I didn't cast one of the spells correctly, but I did mutter them all one extra time, just for good measure.

James smiled at me when I was finished and it expelled my nerves completely. I would go back to ignoring my feelings for James after this mission was accomplished.

"Well, get to it," I said to them, and boy did they. Honestly, my plan to turn off my feelings for James was failing miserably as I'd never been so attracted to James. He was focused, determined, but cracked plenty of smiles. Him and Sirius joked as they took turns muttering spells at the wardrobe, some of which I recognized, some of which I didn't. One thing I could definitely tell for sure, they were working to sever the magic connecting the two wardrobes using various forms of the spells "Relashio" and "Incendio." I could smell singeing wood.

After a few minutes of intense work, James took out an apple and placed it inside the wardrobe. He shut the door. The wardrobe gave a small "pop!" to which James frowned. He opened the door and the apple was gone.

Sirius cursed them muttered, "Back to it."

The boys continued muttering the spells, tapping various parts of the wardrobe. James then set another apple inside. The wardrobe still sounded a small "pop!" When James opened the door, a piece of the apple was gone.

"It's working," Sirius muttered. James glanced at his watch.

"It's too slow," I said.

Peter's voice sounded in the room, making me jump. "Bellatrix and Rodolphus are on their way back from dinner," he said. James pulled out a mirror from his belt.

"Thanks, Peter," he said, and he put the mirror back in his belt.

James and Sirius frantically kept muttering the spells.

"I have an idea," I said to them. "I can reroute the magic in the wardrobe."

"How, Evans?" James asked, not looking at me.

"When the spell triggers it will be vulnerable - I can perform a continuum spell which will cause the spell connecting the two wardrobes to instead circle back to the original wardrobe."

James turned to face me and shook his head. "You can't get in there, Evans. Did you see that apple? That could be your head."

"Only if I leave the wardrobe. If I do it fast enough, I'll be fine."

Sirius paused with his spells. "You really think you can do it, Lily?"

"Yes," I answered sternly. "And we don't have time to waste," I added hastily.

Sirius nodded, but James did not look remotely convinced.

"No way, Evans," he said simply. "It's too dangerous."

I weighed the decision of whether to body-bind James. Merlin, he would be angry, but if he didn't let me do this, well, Bellatrix and Rodolphus would tear running off to some ruddy appointment, looking highly suspicious.

"Potter, let me try," I pushed again.

"No."

"Sorry," I said before muttering, "Petrificus Totalus." James body froze rigidly as he fell sideways to the floor. Although my stomach squirmed with guilt, I charged towards the wardrobe and Sirius jumped out of the way. He started to say something, but I ignored it. I wrenched open the door, took one deep breath and gripped my wand tightly, then stepped inside. The smell of the burnt wood immediately caused my nostrils to spasm, but I clenched my teeth with determination. I snapped the door shut, the sound from the door echoing as I was sealed into the small space. The magic in the wardrobe rattled my ears as the spell triggered that would try to transport me to its sister.

* * *

**A/N: Woo! Welp, hope you enjoyed! Please review - I really do live (well, write fanfiction) for those. Will try to get next chappie out faster. :) BEST, Kate**


	12. Losing Lily

**A/N: Eeek. Yep, that's all I can say about this chapter... Eek.**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Losing Lily_

I picked up the intact apple from the wardrobe floor and threw it into the bag with the remaining apples. Then I looked down at James on the ground, then over at Sirius. He pulled some fireworks from his pocket and set them inside the wardrobe. "What are those for?" I asked.

"They have a ten minute timer on them, so they'll go off after we leave making this just look like a measly prank," he grinned.

"Clever," I nodded. I looked down at James again. "Oh, he's going to be so unhappy," I muttered.

Sirius laughed. "He can hear you, you know." He said the countercurse, lifting the body-bind from James. Immediately James sat bolt upright, his eyes narrowed, and his lips pursed. He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

"Don't even," I snapped at him. "We need to get out of here." Really, I was just bidding time to figure out how to apologize to him. As Sirius helped James to his feet, I quickly muttered the chameleon charms, making James and Sirius completely blend into the room, and then I lifted the concealment charms on the room. James huffed as he pulled out his invisibility cloak and threw it over the three of us.

"You know, Evans," James whispered, as he walked to pull the dormitory door open, "I was just going to tell you good job."

I frowned at his back and didn't reply. It hadn't even sunk in to me yet that the continuum spell I had cast had worked. And it did, perfectly. I tested an apple, and it didn't leave the wardrobe, meaning if any of the Slytherins entered the wardrobe, they wouldn't be transported to its sister either. I'd just cast some amazing magic, so why wasn't I feeling better about it? Why was I not elated? I was proud of myself, yes, but for some reason, I really didn't feel good. I almost audibly grumbled because I knew my unhappiness was related to the boy whose arm I kept brushing under this invisibility cloak.

I didn't have time to dwell on my feelings as we exited the dormitory. We slowly crept down the stairs and entered the common room, the green glow making the room seem misty. Few students had returned from dinner. I noticed Severus sitting in an armchair close to the common room entrance. He was alone, clearly dressed in his best olive green dress robes for Slughorn's party. I felt a jolt in my gut as I realized I would have to face Severus in, wow, maybe thirty minutes time. What would I say to him? What could I say to him? I'd just risked my life - okay that was slightly melodramatic - but I'd risked a lot destroy a wardrobe, really, because of him.

James, Sirius, and I crept perfectly in sync along the common room wall, closer and closer towards Severus and the common room exit. James stopped against the wall, clearly waiting for someone to open the exit. My heart was pounding now that we seemed so exposed.

Suddenly Severus's head snapped up, and I saw him turning his head, his brow furrowed in our direction. Had he heard us? I froze - completely stiff like a deer in headlights. He shrugged, then turned his head back towards the book in his lap, but he grinned into his book.

The common room door slid open and Bellatrix and Rodolphus strolled in.

"Why, hello, Severussssss," she hissed. But I didn't hear whether Severus replied because Sirius nudged me forward out of the common room door. We exited successfully.

I slowly gained the feeling back in my legs as we tiptoed back towards the gryffindor common room. James took a detour, ducked us into one of the empty charms classrooms and pulled off the cloak. I lifted the chameleon charms, and my stomach did a weird flip as I realized James did not look remotely angry.

"Well, good work, team," Sirius said, smiling broadly.

James smiled too, and gave Sirius a high-five.

I took a deep breath, regaining my composure, then smiled, too.

"Basically our first Auror mission," James stated proudly. "And I think Evans takes the prize for best performance."

I blushed. I couldn't help it. And I couldn't believe how James was acting - he was being nice - like nothing had happened between us the last few weeks - like he hadn't confessed that he could no longer stand me - like I hadn't just body-bound him.

"No hard feelings, Evans?" he asked with a half-smile.

"Definitely not," I agreed. I hated to admit this, but he gave me hope - possibly false hope, but it felt good to cling to - that maybe, just maybe, the possibility of James and me wasn't completely extinguished.

Merlin, was Operation-Ignore-Feelings-for-James failing miserably.

The door opened and Peter strolled in. "You did it?" he asked.

James and Sirius nodded, and Peter smiled admirably.

"We better get changed and get to Slughorn's," James said, glancing at his watch. "Especially you, Evans. Can't deprive Slughorn of his favorite pupil," he teased.

I rolled my eyes, but smiled. "I'll head there now since I'm ready to go. I still look okay, yeah? Don't look like I just bombed a wardrobe?"

"Still looks wonderful, eh, James?" Sirius said, nudging James on his shoulder.

James rolled his eyes at Sirius but nodded. My eyes met James's briefly, and his eyes were warm, like they used to be. I'm sure I was blushing tremendously, but it pleased me too that his cheeks were slightly pink.

"And even more, check out her shoes! Not many girls can pull a prank like that in heels," Sirius said, glancing between me and James, a large smile on his face. "Very impressive, Lily."

I laughed. "It wasn't a prank, Sirius," I reminded him. But I too was beaming.

* * *

"Miss Evans!" Professor Slughorn exclaimed as a I walked into his office. He lumbered over to me and avidly shook my hand. "So pleased you could make it. No one with you?" he asked.

"Not today," I replied. "The room looks wonderful, Professor," I added, glancing around happily. Huge gold and silver streamers draped across the ceiling, and light reflected from them as though they were magically twinkling. A plump pine tree towered next to the window, covered in snow that didn't seem to be melting. A few tall tables were scattered around the rooms, decorated with poinsettias and holly and garland. "I'd say this looks to be your best party yet."

Slughorn smiled proudly. "Why, thank you," he said. "Do help yourself to some food and drinks. The butterbeer is in that corner if you need something warm," he motioned towards the far corner of the room.

I nodded my thanks, "Perfect. See you later then."

It didn't appear that Alice or any of my other friends were here yet, so I made my way towards the butterbeer. I could see steam rising from the top of the cauldron, which made me salivate. Just as I was finished pouring myself a cup, I heard another person walk up behind me. I reached to hand whoever it was the ladle.

"Hi," Severus said.

My stomach dropped. I wasn't ready to talk to him and really, I didn't want to talk to him.

"Hi," I replied quickly, offering him the ladle. He scooped up a glass of the butterbeer, and then we proceeded to walk towards the Christmas tree.

"You look great, Lily," he said.

I smiled, though, I'm not sure it reached my eyes. My stomach continued to knot as my brain flashed to seeing him in his common room earlier this evening. And then it flashed to that day on the owlery steps, and him walking away from me breaking up our friendship. And that day at the start of term, when he flipped me into the air, and I retaliated by planting dungbombs in his trunk. And of course, that day last year, when he called me a mudblood for all of the school to hear.

It was amazing how fast my mood had changed when I saw him. He really didn't make me happy any more.

And then it clicked. It wasn't one specific event that had caused it - but multiple - ultimately causing me to begin my schooling to become an Auror. I was choosing a dangerous career because of Severus. I was sneaking around to Death Eater meetings because of Severus. I was putting myself into harms way in a broken transporting wardrobe because of Severus.

Severus and I, we were fighting on the opposite sides of the battlefield. And like Romeo and Juliet, mingling a relationship (even a plutonic one) and feuding was only going to end in tragedy.

Severus and I, we couldn't be friends any more; not unless one of us joined the other's team, and that, quite obviously, was not going to happen.

And, really, if I wanted to be with James, well, I couldn't be friends with Severus anyway.

I bit my lip and I almost laughed at myself that that last thought had popped into my brain, too. Merlin, had I fallen hard. But the bigger picture here was that I had to tell Severus that we were through.

"Lily, I'm so sorry for the last month. I don't know what I was thinking. I miss you, I really do," Severus said, his eyes full of concern.

I looked away, a surge of resentment now seething my gut. I remembered sitting with James, watching Severus's name disappear off the map. And of course, hiding with James, watching Severus disappear through the wardrobe. How could he stand here and say he wants to be friends when he's been running off to Malfoy Manor every week, inching his way to becoming a Death Eater? His former words, 'I won't become a Death Eater,' rang in my head. Maybe he wasn't a Death Eater officially yet, but to me, his actions counted as treasonous, and that meant he broke his promise to me in our car ride to the train station.

I shook my head at him. I couldn't form words. But I knew I was stronger than this. Maybe I should have stopped talking to him eight months ago when he called me a mudblood.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"I don't want to be friends again, Sev," I said sternly.

He was obviously shocked. His lips parted slightly and I could tell he had stopped breathing.

"Why?" he asked.

I wanted to be honest with him - tell him everything I knew about what he'd been up to the past few months - but I couldn't risk betraying James. "I don't trust you," I finally replied.

He looked hurt now, and it made me hurt, but I knew I was doing the right thing. "But why, Lily? What made you decide this?" he pushed.

But I ignored his question and asked my own. "Am I wrong to not trust you?"

He frowned and took a few moments to respond. "Lily, I promise, I would never, ever do anything to hurt you." His eyes held more emotion than I'd seen in years.

"You didn't answer my question, Sev," I replied softly, pressing him for an answer. I bit my lip as we stared at each other. Maybe if he came clean...

Silence. By him not saying anything, I knew the answer.

I felt numb. Part of me was sad and part of me just wanted to run, as far and as fast as possible from Severus - but part of me felt like a weight was lifted, like I knew this is how we would end all along, and like I finally didn't have to fight this losing battle any longer.

"Well, if it isn't my two best advanced potions students!" Professor Slughorn said loudly, slapping both Severus and me on the shoulder. "I hope you are both enjoying yourselves!"

I nodded. "Very much so, Professor. The butterbeer is wonderful," I said, holding up my glass to him.

Severus didn't say anything, but Slughorn didn't seem to take notice. He was looking up. "Well, would you look at that?"

I looked up confused, and as if the floor had fallen away from my feet I realized -

"Mistletoe!" he smiled. "Come on, now, Miss Evans, Mister Snape. It's all part of the fun of the holidays!"

I've never felt my face go so hot so quickly. To have my professor of all people trying to get me to kiss my classmate!

I made a split second decision and dodged towards Severus's cheek and kissed it. I was shocked at how warm it felt, but I didn't wait for Severus's or Professor Slughorn's reactions. I walked back towards the exit, ready to leave this party even though it had only just started.

However, blocking my exit was James, dressed in deep crimson robes. And with another sinking feeling, I realized he looked livid. He clearly had just seen the previous scene unfold.

I opened my mouth to say something to him - to explain myself - to have us go somewhere private and I would tell him everything about how I was completely and utterly his if he wanted me, but someone grabbed my hand and flipped me back towards the office I was just trying to leave.

Severus stood a mere foot from me, and I could have sworn he looked wildly like he was going to kiss me. But he took a deep breath, then whispered, "Don't do this, Lily."

I tried to shake my hand loose from his, but he held on to it tightly. "Let go of me, Sev," I said. I turned back around towards the door.

James now had Bliss on his arm, and she was giggling. She had on an obnoxiously unconservative bubblegum pink dress that really would get any boy's attention. I hated that bouncy blonde hair. I really _really_ did. Then she stood on her tiptoes and kissed James's cheek. He looked at me, smiled with attitude, then kissed _her_ on the lips. The kiss was brief but I could tell it was his retaliation, and a surge of hatred I'd never felt for James took hold of me.

I suddenly realized that Severus still had my hand. I turned back to him. "Let. Go. Of. Me." I said the words so sternly and so passionately and with so much anger that he obliged.

"Everything okay over here?" Sirius asked.

"Go away, you-" Severus started, but I cut him off.

"Yes," I said firmly. "Severus here was just leaving."

Severus ground his teeth together. He stood tall for a moment and stared me hard in my eyes as if contemplating me. Suddenly James was with us, too.

"Remember those dungbombs at the beginning of the year, Snivellus?" James asked aggressively. I felt my mouth drop open in horror, praying he did not continue with this statement. "Your dear Lily helped with that. She actually planted those pleasantries in your trunk personally."

The conversation rang deadly still.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes that I couldn't control. I hated James so much. HATED him. I knew he could be a jerk, but never, ever did I think he would take such stabs to deliberately hurt me.

Severus took a step back then looked at me, his eyes empty. "Look who can't be trusted now." That stung. He took a step around us and exited the room.

"Be right back," Sirius said.

I didn't acknowledge Sirius. I couldn't take my eyes off James. I wanted to scream my head off at him, but I opened my mouth, and no words came out. I was so mad, and so sad, and so confused, and so heartbroken that all I could do was look at him while I fought back my tears that so desperately wanted to escape. I took a few deep breaths and suddenly I couldn't look at him.

"What you saw when you walked in," I managed to say slowly, my eyes on the floor, "was me telling Severus that we could no longer be friends. Slughorn forced me to kiss him, so I settled for his cheek."

I didn't look up again. I just walked out of the room because I felt like I was going to turn into a faucet, and I really didn't want James to have the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

As soon as I exited the threshold of the room, as predicted, I couldn't control my tears any longer. I kicked off my shoes and started to run because I wanted to get as far away from that party as possible.

"Lily!" I heard James call.

I could hear him now running after me. I looked around desperately for a place to hide.

"Lily!" he said again.

I decided to fight rather than hide. I turned around, my hands clenched in fists. I looked him square in the eye, not caring that he could see my tear-stricken cheeks.

"Lily, I was totally stupid - a jealous prat. I'm so sorry."

I didn't say anything. I just stared at him.

"Lily, please believe me. I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me-"

"I don't want to hear anymore, Potter," I said quietly. And suddenly, I couldn't look him in the eye any longer. It hurt too much. And I was sure if I kept looking at him, I wouldn't be able to say what I needed to say.

"But, Lily." He reached out and touched my shoulder and it sent a shiver down my spine. It made my eyes well up with more tears. "I was such a prick. I made a huge mistake-"

"Stop," I frowned. I stared hard at the floor. "I just..." I paused unsure of what I had to say. "I just want - I want you to leave me alone," I paused and took a breath."I want you to leave me alone forever." I said this firmly as I pushed his hand from my shoulder. I looked up at him and I was amazed to see he had tears in his eyes, too. He didn't look like he was going to cry, but he looked sad - the saddest I had ever seen him.

Footsteps behind me made me quickly wipe my eyes. It was Sirius, and he had a mischievous grin on his face. It was quickly wiped, however, when he looked from James to me.

"Hi," he said timidly.

"Bye," I replied quickly, and I scurried into the closest hallway. Neither Sirius nor James followed me.

* * *

I'm not sure how I ended up in the owlery, but alas, there I was, stroking Tris. Her feathers felt soft and comforting on my fingers. I was freezing, but I didn't care. It felt good to feel something other than the mess of emotions inside of me.

I'd said goodbye to the two guys who meant the most to me. I kept telling myself over and over that I was doing the right thing with both of them, but it still didn't stop it from hurting. I was so thankful that tomorrow was the start of the winter holidays and I would have two weeks to try to put this behind me.

I felt sick to my stomach. And numb.

Tris hooted softly.

"You're probably getting hungry, aren't you?" I asked her quietly. She looked at me, and I took that to be an affirmation.

"You can go," I told her. She batted her giant wings and flew from my wrist. I watched as she soared down across the castle grounds, her white feathers glowing slightly in the light from the full moon. I was envious of how carefree she seemed.

A dark figure running across the front lawn caught my eye. It appeared to be a man. He stopped beyond the reach of the Whomping Willow, seemingly admiring it's many flailing branches. He disappeared for a moment into the Forbidden Forest, then reemerged with a long branch. Curiously, I watched as he prodded a stump near the base of the Whomping Willow. It froze. I was amazed.

He suddenly moved into a strip of moonlight, revealing that his hair was long and black and his robes were olive green.

I yelped.

I knew who was hidden down the passageway beneath that tree.

I didn't have to look at the moon to realize, with horror, that if Severus went into that passageway, he was going to find Remus in werewolf form.

I screamed his name. He didn't hear me. Feet first, he disappeared beneath the Whomping Willow's roots.

I threw my shoes to the ground and tore from the owlery as fast as my legs could carry me, praying that I could somehow get to Severus before Remus did. I didn't think while I was running. I just repeatedly prayed as I urged myself to run faster.

I jumped four stairs at a time, slid around corners, and just as I was descending the staircase to the entry hall I saw the front doors to the castle squeeze open. James walked in, and behind him, Severus, and in behind him, Sirius.

Severus looked awful. His right eye was swelling and his lip was bleeding. He had a scrape covered with dirt on his elbow.

"Are you okay?" I yelled as I ran to Severus.

He ignored me and ground his teeth together. "You'll be expelled for this, Potter."

My eyes widened as I looked at James, shocked. "You - you did this?"

James opened his mouth, but Severus spoke over him. "Another prank!" he spat. "This time, gone too far! And now I get to tell the whole school that Remus is a-"

A large 'meow' interrupted him. Mrs. Norris. And almost instantly, Mr. Filch appeared behind her.

"And what do we have here?" he asked his cat. "I believe we have some students fighting, and clearly they are out of bed too late." He looked from me to Severus to James and grinned. Oh, he was awful. "Makes up for that valuable cabinet we had to transport earlier, doesn't it?"

"Cabinet?" Severus asked. "What cabinet? What happened to it?"

Filch looked at Severus and narrowed his eyes. "Mister Snape, a very valuable cabinet that used to be in the Slythern seventh year's dormitory was planted with fireworks tonight. No doubt, probably the work of these two." He motioned towards James and Sirius.

Severus, however, did not look at James or Sirius. He looked at me. He muttered, "Muffliato," out of the corner of his mouth. James instantly knew what Severus had done though, so he walked over to me and Severus, trying to get into our conversation. "Hey!" James called repeatedly, but I ignored him.

"It was you," Severus said. "Or, at least, you helped."

I stared at him. James was now pushing Severus slightly, looking at me. "What's he saying to you?" James asked, but Severus continued.

"I smelled your perfume in my common room. I thought I had imagined it, but you, you were actually there, weren't you?" His eyes were so cold.

"Lift the charm, Lily!" James said.

I felt shocked, dumbstruck, helpless.

Suddenly Professor Dumbledore was sweeping down the stairs and Severus lifted the charm reluctantly.

"What has happened?" Dumbledore commanded.

"They tried to kill me, sir," Severus said. I rolled my eyes. How dramatic.

"We did not," Sirius snapped. "It was just a joke."

"How is Lily involved?" Dumbledore asked.

"She's not," James responded.

"Then Miss Evans, please go to bed. You three, please follow me."

"But Professor -," Filch started.

"I will see to it that they are properly disciplined, Mr. Filch," Dumbledore assured him, and he lead James, Sirius and Severus up the stairs. None of them looked back at me.

"Well I can at least give you detention for being out of bed too late," he said to me after they disappeared.

"I'm allowed to be," I snapped. "Remember? I'm a prefect." I didn't wait for his response. I started my trip back towards the gryffindor common room, so ready for this night to be over. I sighed as I remembered I needed to grab my shoes from the owlerly.

* * *

**A/N: Penny for your thoughts.**


	13. Lachrymose Lily

**A/N: Yes, I have a million apologies for the long break between chapters - especially because I appreciated the reviews and support last chapter more than I can describe. Legit excuse though, I was an idiot and took a jump snowboarding... and well, landed on my head and got a concussion. Bad assness level at zero. Doctor strictly ordered me to not look at a computer screen longer than 20 minutes at a time for a month. Well, I cheated a little, and wrote this chapter anyway, but again, sorry for the delay! Ooh and sorry if it's a bit choppy. On we go...**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Lachrymose Lily_

I pretended to be asleep when Alice got back to the dormitory from Slughorn's party and I pretended to be sick the next day on the train ride home. Stomach ache, sore throat, chills, maybe a fever. I tucked my legs into my chest and laid on one of the red cushy benches as Alice sat across from me, a romance novel in hand. I suppose I must have looked pale because Alice didn't talk to me much, and really, that was all I wanted - quiet and my own thoughts.

Both James and Severus swam around in my head like flotation devices I could no longer reach. A dull ache spread from my gut to my chest, making it seemingly hard to breathe. I was drowning, I suppose, in sadness and confusion and... loss. I'd lost both James and Severus. Desperate thoughts popped into my head, like maybe I imagined James revealing my part in the dumgbombs to Severus? Or maybe I could convince Severus he imagined my perfume? Or maybe James didn't help play the prank on Severus that lead him under the willow?

But reality kept slapping me in the face every time I open my eyes. I was alone, James and Severus were no longer my friends, and maybe I deserved it.

Alice ran to the restroom, leaving me alone in the compartment. I sat up and stared blankly out the window, the tidy green fields doing little to distract my weighted brain. The door slid open but I didn't look up, suspecting Alice's return.

"Lily," someone muttered quietly.

I jumped and swiveled, surprised to see a boy with black hair. His eyes were cold, clearly revealing that he had nothing good to say.

"Hi Sev," I said, a new sensation tingling down my stomach. I struggled to decipher it over the dull ache that had rooted itself there.

"I won't turn you in for destroying the cabinet, but tell me who else was with you."

I sat up more straight and narrowed my eyes, alarmed by his serious tone. I tried to keep my voice calm as I formulated a response, but I couldn't hide the spite I felt. He knew me better than this - that I would never throw other friends - er, people - under the Knight Bus, even if they had done it to me. I folded my arms across my chest stubbornly. "I did it by myself, Sev."

"You didn't have help from say _Potter_ or _Black_?" His voice lingered over James and Sirius's surnames in a way that almost gave me chills. I narrowed my eyes further and shook my head.

"Remember, they did try to _kill_ me." He voice lingered over the word kill in such a way that the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, but I quickly recovered my cool.

"Stop being so melodramatic," I replied, absolutely appalled by his request. Was he really looking to confirm James and Sirius involvement so he could turn them over to the Death Eaters? "It was just me, and if you want to turn someone in to Voldemort, well then, you know where to find me." My voice caught, disbelief flooding me that I actually just said that sentence to Severus, that I actually knew he was working under Voldemort now, that I actually thought he could be willing to hand me, or anyone else, in to him.

A flash of disgust passed across his face as he walked to the door and opened it. "Lily, I would never turn you in." He stepped into the hallway.

Before he could leave, I hollered at him. "What's happened to you?"

He looked at me and shrugged, "I've found out who my real friends are." He then snapped shut the door without a backwards glance.

I bit my tongue and angrily stared out the window. It was extremely apparent that I didn't know Severus anymore, but, as ashamed as I was to admit it, I still missed the old Severus that I used to know.

The train was getting closer to London, the houses now densely close together, and I was finding myself feeling relieved. I was sick of thinking, sick of frowning, and sick of feeling. As my brain recklessly wandered to my ceased relationship with Severus, I couldn't help but hopelessly wonder if we'd be in a different place if he'd been sorted into any house but Slytherin.

* * *

I bade goodbye to Alice at the platform as her family was already there and trudged slowly to the barrier to return to the muggle world where my parents would be waiting for me. James was a few people ahead of me and I couldn't help but continually stare at the back of his black-haired head. It hit me that that feeling I felt when Severus walked in my compartment on the train was disappointment - disappointment that that black hair hadn't belonged to James. I hated myself for still wanting James even though I knew I couldn't forgive him.

He must have felt my eyes on him because he suddenly turned and looked at me. It made me lose my breath and I quickly looked away, pretending to be fascinated by a loud meowing cat. When I chanced a look again, he was still facing me and his hazel eyes soon locked on mine. I was frozen - my arms, my throat, my lungs, my eyes - as I stared back at him unblinking. He took one steps towards me, but I shook my head, though I didn't realize I was shaking it until his expression changed to one of extreme sadness. I thanked my brain and reflexes for being stronger than my heart because the last thing I needed was for James to make me more confused.

I kept my eyes fixed on my toes as the line trudged slowly towards the barrier. I forgave James for telling Severus about the dungbombs. It wasn't nice, no, but like I'd forgiven Severus for calling me a 'mudblood,' sometimes people say things in moments on passion that they don't really mean.

It's actions, not words, that I'm most scared by, and James and Sirius playing that awful trick on Severus that really could have cost him his life was just simply something I couldn't forgive. That was a statement of their character - their ignorance, their immaturity, and their disregard for reality. I kept trying to defend their actions to myself, but in my gut I knew that they'd crossed a line that made them undateable.

I groaned when I saw those bouncing blond curls skipping the line, strutting up to James, her hot pink trunk levitating behind her.

"Hi baby," I heard Bliss say as she grabbed James's waist. "Why didn't you stay longer at the party?"

He jumped at her touch and took a step away from her, which she just closed by taking a step towards him. His eyes flicked in my direction, then back to her.

My aching teeth (apparently I had started to grind them) made me realize I was also not sure I could forgive James for this either - for flaunting this relationship in my face. Maybe I deserved it - I did snooze and obviously lose - but he was clearly doing this to spite me - and that's a poor reflection of his character, too.

Suddenly he stood up straight, taking Bliss's hand and removing it from his waist.

"I'm sorry," he said to her. "But I can't date you."

Her smile faltered and those once-bouncing curls went alarmingly still. Her eyes darted to the people around her, most of whom were busy in their own conversations, but then she recovered with a small giggle. She whispered something to him that I couldn't hear, but he shook his head in response.

"But why?" she whined.

He paused for a long moment then looked in my direction. When our eyes connected, he spoke. "Because I'm in love with someone else." Bliss swiveled around, searching for who he was looking at, but I quickly dove down and tied my shoe, my heart pounding in my chest.

"Have a nice break then," I heard him awkwardly say as he picked up his trunk, skipped the remainder of the line, much to the protest of the witch who was sending students back to the muggle world in 2s and 3s, and disappeared from the platform.

As I stood back up, I let four or five sets of students pass me. I was rooted in place, James's words echoing in my ears. Did he just say love? _Love_? _Love_? And was he talking about _me_? Hadn't he just been the biggest possible jerk to me? Kissed Bliss to make me jealous? Pranked Severus so severely he could have died or been transformed for life? And now he was saying that he _loves_ me? What was he trying to gain by that? Did he think it'd make me forgive him for the awful things he'd done recently? I wanted to scream. To shake him. To hit him.

"Lily. What are you doing?"

I jumped, startled, and turned to see Alice with her parents.

"I-I er, suddenly felt a little dizzy," I said quickly. Her mother was looking at me concerned, and although she was stern with Alice, I respected her. As did Alice. "Good to see you," I nodded to both her and her husband.

"You as well, Lily," she replied. "Will we be seeing you any this winter?"

I glanced at Alice and she nodded fervently.

"If my parents will let me," I smiled. "Thank you."

The witch suddenly was yipping in our ears.

"You two next!" she said, pointing at me and Alice. She then glanced at her watch. "Okay go!"

My parents nearly pounced on me as I emerged from the barrier, causing all three of us to get very stern looks from the wizard standing guard. I mouthed an apology and pulled my parents away, but the first smile in what felt like an eternity was planted on my face.

"I'll be in touch!" I called to Alice as her mother and father began to lead her towards their transportation home. They all three waved.

"Lily!" my mother exclaimed, pulling me tightly into a hug. "It's so good to have you home!"

"My turn," my father said, laughing at how tightly she was holding me. "We've missed you," he said to me as he took his turn.

I noticed Petunia behind them, her sandy blonde hair in stiff curls. "Hi, 'Tun," I said, smiling hopefully. "You look good." I walked up to her to give her a hug as well but instead she threw her hand to stop me.

She rolled her eyes at my frown, and only then did I notice she was wiggling her fingers as if to draw attention to something. And that's when I saw it - the small diamond on her small ring finger. I guess my jaw dropped because I had to close it a few moments later.

"Vernon proposed?" I choked.

She nodded vigorously, a huge smile on her face, reminding me of the older sister I had had before I went to Hogwarts. She wasn't looking at me like I was beneath her. She was just happy, and underneath all the layers of loss and hurt and confusion I'd been smothered by on the train, I found a feeling of happiness, too. I squealed and hugged her. When I pulled away, however, she was looking at me awkwardly.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

She shook her head and glanced at our parents, who remained oblivious. She opened her mouth to say something, but my father interrupted her.

"Well, to home we go!" he said and he ushered us from the train station.

* * *

It was weird, being home. It was like Hogwarts and all the drama that had occurred was another world away. Of course, Severus and James still haunted me endlessly, especially at night. Thoughts of Severus made me feel sad and hollow. Thoughts of James - they just confused me. James' words at the train station somehow played on repeat in my head and I couldn't find the off switch.

James didn't know what love was. That was the only reassuring thought I could muster to fight his presence in my head each night.

Each day, however, was filled with jubilation over Petunia's engagement. Vernon was off on holiday with his parents for the next few days before Christmas, so my mother and I spent hours scanning through magazines with her, visiting dress shops, looking at flower arrangements, and traveling to venues. She'd have the wedding next fall, she decided, in late October before the real chill of winter set in.

It was at Harrod's in London, however, where my jubilation was popped.

"What are you thinking for bridesmaid dresses?" my mother asked her.

"Red," Petunia replied firmly.

My mother looked at her confused. "But Lily doesn't look good in red."

"Lily won't be a bridesmaid."

Petunia said it so simply and with such a straight face that I almost thought she'd become a robot. It was like she'd been rehearsing it for days - and it was only later that night that I realized that she probably had.

I didn't argue with her. I didn't even frown. But my mom and her had quite a row and I cried myself to sleep that night, the hurt from her and those last few days at Hogwarts finally bubbling over. I couldn't even keep a friendship with my sister. No wonder I lost both James and Severus.

My mother agreed reluctantly that I could go to Alice's for the remainder of the break after Christmas. Although she wanted to spend time with me, she knew I couldn't stay around Petunia and Vernon, who was coming to stay Christmas Day through the new year.

* * *

And going to Alice's was probably the best thing I could have done. My first night at her place, as I sat on her bed, I confessed everything - pranking Severus at the start of the year, secretly meeting with James, sneaking into the Slytherin common room, spying on a Death Eater meeting, falling for James, watching him with Bliss, destroying the magic in the wardrobe (she gave me a high five for my success), James betraying me to Severus, ending my friendship with Severus, James and Sirius pranking Severus, and knowing that because of it all, I could no longer be with James. And of course, to top it off, Petunia banning me from her wedding party. I must have talked a full hour without her interrupting me once.

She had a sad look on her face when I had finished. "You're doing the right thing, you know - ending the friendship with Severus and recognizing that James, well, he just isn't the guy you thought he was."

I nodded, though I could feel the prickling of tears behind my eyes.

"I thought he was better than that, too," she continued, "and Petunia's just a jealous cow."

I couldn't smile.

"Moo?" she said innocently.

That made the corners of my mouth turn up.

"I still can't believe _you_ fell for _James_ _Potter_," she grinned, her eyes wide and her eyebrows raised.

The look on her face made me laugh and I felt so thankful for it. "I know," I groaned. "What was I thinking?" I flung myself down on to the pillows shaking my head.

"I did call it though," she said proudly.

"Indeed you did," I conceded. "I feel so dumb. The sorting hat got it right - I'm definitely not a Ravenclaw."

She laughed. "Though no Ravenclaw would have had the courage to destroy that wardrobe either."

I shrugged.

"I'll fight with you, you know. We can't let the Slytherins win." A playful smile danced on her lips and she narrowed her eyes slightly - the determined Alice face.

I nodded and she pulled me into a hug. The pain I was feeling, it wasn't gone, but Alice had successfully made me feel loads better by just being there to listen and sympathize and agree. I was so thankful for her and good girlfriends in general - always there to catch you when you're falling - or help brush off your knees when you're already on the floor.

As she pulled away, she lightly punched my arm.

"And I can't believe, you, Lily Evans, broke so many school rules _and_ successfully kept it from _me_!"

I bit my lip and laughed. "And even harder to believe, I enjoyed it."

* * *

It felt so good to have shared everything that had been weighing me down with Alice that the remainder of the break flew by.

In fact, both January and February felt like they disappeared into smoke.

Severus was good at sticking to the shadows, so back at Hogwarts, I barely noticed he even existed. Of course, my stomach dropped every time I saw James or heard him speak in class, but Alice was always by my side, keeping me strong. And James wasn't around much in the common room, as apparently him and Sirius had been stuck with a wad of well deserved detentions. I'd heard rumor they'd even been kicked off the quidditch team. Good riddance.

I did catch James looking at me quite frequently - in the halls, in class, on occasion when we were both in the common room - but every time he did I turned away. I deserved better than him, I continuously reminded myself. One day my breath would stop catching and my heart would stop skipping when our eyes met. One day I'd be over him.

* * *

**A/N: SORRY AGAIN FOR MY STUPID HEAD. And sorry that this chapter is choppy. I've tried to edit but I've decided the length of the break has been too long so this chapter just needs to be posted. All my best! And wear a helmet when snowboarding. Love you readers and reviewers oodles. XOXO - Kate**


	14. Lapsing Lily

**A/N: :D Thanks folks for the splendid reviews! I also got some serious laughs from some of your comments, so thanks! A much needed bump of happiness in my beat-up state. The head is 100% a-okay now. No more headaches or dizzy spells, yahoo. I'm hoping to get back on my regular (er, somewhat) 2 week publishing schedule. Ambitious, slightly.**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Lapsing Lily_

The first weekend of march marked the return of Gryffindor quidditch. Apparently if Gryffindor beat Ravenclaw, we'd overtake Slytherin in both house points and standings towards winning the quidditch cup. Excitement levels were high, though I heard mutterings of frustrations that we'd have replacement players on our team.

Of course, I liked quidditch, but the fact that James had virtually always been on the Gryffindor quidditch team had made me a little impartial to it over the years. Although he could clearly fly well, his cocky attitude after a win somehow made my lip curl unpleasantly - so to prevent that, I tried my best to ignore quidditch altogether.

But without James or Sirius on the team, I realized I could watch this game freely, screaming as loudly as I pleased for the red and gold team. For the first time in years, I was actually excited for a quidditch weekend. And really, for the first time this year, I felt reasonably happy because I knew I didn't have to worry about seeing James as he'd be in detention.

On Saturday morning I dressed in my favorite Gryffindor shirt - vivid scarlet with a large sequined lion on the front - threw on my scarf, and grabbed my cloak. Although the day was sunny, the chill of winter was still present on the grounds.

"Face paints?" Alice asked.

"Why not?" I shrugged happily as Alice pulled out her makeup art.

"Mary? Alice asked.

Mary nodded and sat on Alice's bed. "Unicorn, please."

I saw the slightest look of amusement cross Alice's face, which she quickly disguised. What did a unicorn have to do with quidditch? Neither Alice nor I knew, but we didn't dare ask.

"And for you?" Alice asked me after she was finished with Mary, a sparkly silver unicorn now gleaming on Mary's cheek.

"You pick," I said as I sat down in front of her.

I saw her grab gold and silver and set to work. After ten minutes, she handed me a mirror. A small gold snitch was on my upper cheek, the gold sparkles dancing in the sunlight from the window.

"Brilliant, Alice," I gushed. "Thanks!"

She then handed me the gold and red sparkles. "Lion, please."

My token doodle in my notebooks was a lion silhouette, so the drawing on her cheek was easy. In a matter of minutes, we were ready to leave. The face paintings looked kind of silly, but they were fun, and that was exactly what I wanted today - fun.

We grabbed some toast from the Great Hall before heading to the stands. The air was crisp and the damp grass crunched under our feet as we walked to the stadium. As I munched on a corner of the seedy bread and stared around the grounds, I somehow felt like a weight was being lifted. I realized I had hardly been outside since Christmas, and somehow, being outside now, it was like all of these confined feelings - mostly for James - were finally being released. I swallowed my last grainy bite, then took a deep breath.

"I feel good," I said to Alice and Mary.

Alice patted my back in a mock-congratulatory sort of way and Mary nodded her head.

Suddenly, I stopped walking. I had to pause. I did a twirl, I wiggled my shoulders, I closed my eyes and tried to feel into my stomach, my brain, my heart. I could hardly believe it, but something inside me felt free! Was I finally over James?

"Alice-"

"Nice moves, Lily."

I jumped and turned to see Remus smiling at me. Peter was trailing slightly behind him on his right. They joined us walking towards the pitch.

I laughed slightly embarrassed. "Thanks. Practicing for my sister's wedding. I'm trying to embarrass her as much as I can. Do you think I'll succeed?"

He nodded, to which I lightly punched him on the arm. "So how have you been? I haven't seen you around in a while!" It was true. Since Christmas, I had barely seen him, even with our prefect duties. Somehow our patrolling schedules had not yet collided.

A slightly sour look briefly crossed his face. "I've just been in the library a lot. Being sick, you know, makes me fall behind."

I glanced over at Mary and Alice, who were now talking slightly ahead of us, and back at Peter, who was looking at his feet. I dropped my voice. "Not avoiding any one in particular, are you?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, apparently surprised that I knew about James and Sirius's actions.

"I saw Severus enter the tunnel below the willow from the owlery that last night before the holiday, then met James and Sirius and him at the front doors," I explained in a low whisper.

Remus nodded, the hurt evident in his eyes. "It's hard to get over betrayal by a friend."

I nodded. "I'm sorry, honestly. At least it seems there was adequate punishment, although the rest of the Gryffindor house doesn't seem to appreciate the effect on quidditch."

Remus smiled slightly. "He's sorry, too, and that helps."

"I'm sure he is," I agreed. I almost asked him if he meant 'they,' but we were at the stands, and hoards of students were trying to file into the seats. I had to hold onto Alice's shoulders to make sure I didn't lose her, and in all the chaos, my conversation with Remus was interrupted. When we were seated, I was tempted to continue the conversation, but the excitement in the stands was too tense.

"Excellent conditions, isn't it?" I asked.

"Yes. James will be pleased!" Remus replied.

I found it peculiar that Remus would mention James as he was suspended, but I figured since he was quidditch captain, maybe he was still somehow involved in team calls. The stands suddenly erupted in loud cheering and applause as the Gryffindor team emerged from the locker room. My stomach dropped. If James was suspended, why was he in his quidditch gear?

"And here is the Gryffindor Team!" Jasper Roads, a Gryffindor third year, announced. "Due to a player suspension, the following players have changed positions: newcomer Calvin Chestnut will be playing chaser, former seeker Chauncey McKinnon will be playing beater, and former chaser James Potter will be playing seeker!

"WHAT!" I yelled loudly. Thankfully the rest of the Gryffindors around me were screaming with excitement and support, but Alice and Remus both looked at me with eyebrows raised. I watched James stand tall with his broomstick as he waited for the Ravenclaw team, the breeze rustling his messy black hair. My stomach jolted and I groaned. I rubbed at the snitch on my face, wishing I had anything else - even a unicorn - there instead.

"What's wrong, Lily?" Remus asked.

I dropped my voice and muttered to Remus, "I thought James was suspended, too?"

Remus looked at me confused. "Why would you think that?"

Now it was my turn to be confused. "Didn't he-wasn't he-er, wasn't he in detentions with Sirius?"

"Yes, for a month."

My throat made a sort of strangled noise. I was clearly missing something. The Ravenclaws erupted in cheers for their team, which was now emerging from their locker room, but I dropped my voice even lower. Alice appeared more interested in my conversation with Remus than the match which was about to begin.

"Why did he get detention?" I asked, my eyes switching back and forth between Remus's face and James shaking hands with the Ravenclaw captain.

"Because he punched Snape in the face, apparently because he wouldn't cooperate," Remus grinned.

I didn't smile though. I couldn't. "Cooperate with what?" My voice was cracking.

The smile from Remus's face disappeared. It took him a few seconds before he could voice his next sentence. "He was saving Snape. Sirius persuaded Snape to come find me under the willow and James found out, and James - James, he pulled Snape from the tunnel to save him - to save him from me. You knew this, didn't you Lily?"

Although everyone else around me was on their feet cheering, I sat down and put my face in my hands. I felt sick. That freedom that I had felt earlier - it was zapped - and the sky was crashing down on me.

I felt a hand on my back. "What's wrong, Lily?"

It was Remus who said it, but Alice too was also looking at me concerned.

I stood back up and looked at Remus. "Dizzy spell. I'm fine, Remus, sorry. And yes, I knew that. Of course." I forced a smile.

A loud cracking got everyone's attention - one of the bludgers had hit a goal post. It was then that I realized how aggressive this games was, and I thanked the distraction, staring up at the sky, staring at the zooming players, but not really seeing them at all.

James and the Ravenclaw seeker were hovering above the game, circling the stands, clearly staring for a gold glint. Remus was still looking at me curiously, but I continued to stare at the quaffle, trying to hide behind the allusion that I was interested in the game.

So James hadn't been involved in the prank. James hadn't crossed that undateable line that I'd set. In fact, he _saved_ Severus - his enemy. I honestly couldn't think. I had no idea what to think.

I stared at the quaffle. It was really red and blended in with the Gryffindor uniforms - possibly an unfair advantage to Gryffindor? We scored and I cheered with the people around me.

I watched James instead of the quaffle. His brow was creased and his eyes were squinted. His hair, always so messy, whipped around his eyes as his eyes darted around decisively. He flew smoothly and gracefully, the broom responding to his slightest lean in directions.

I honestly didn't notice the fluttering noise next to my ear until Remus whispered, "Lily, don't move."

I turned very slowly to see the snitch fluttering just above my right shoulder. I gulped, my heart beating nearly as fast as its wings. What was it doing in the stands? And why did it have to pick me? I was going to shoo it away from me but loud oohs and aahs made me realize a seeker must have seen it. I looked wildly towards the sky and saw a blur of red. It took me a second to register that if James was diving to the snitch, he was also diving at me.

I didn't have time to move or even yelp before James had done a sort of one-handed cartwheel over the top of his broomstick, one hand gripping the brooms handle, the other reaching for, and clasping the snitch, and miraculously, no part of him colliding with me.

I'm not sure if it was because he caught the snitch so close to the Gryffindor stands or because he did such an acrobatic trick on a broomstick, but I had never heard the school cheer more loudly for any snitch catch in my time at Hogwarts. I clapped - my voice wasn't functioning yet - as I watched James fly to the ground over the bobbing heads of gryffindor fans in front of me. His teammates hugged him as he handed the snitch back to Madam Hooch. When three of the players acted like they wanted to put him on their shoulders, he refused. He had the Gryffindors shake hands with the Ravenclaw players. Then he turned the whole team around and had them face us, the Gryffindor fans. Together they waved, to which the crowd went crazy.

It wasn't showy. It was gracious - like the team was paying its respect to its fans. I couldn't take my eyes of James as he turned his team back around and herded them to the locker room.

I was silent as we filtered from the stands. Alice kept shooting me glances, clearly curious of my earlier breakdown. When we finally escaped from the dense crowds, I made up a small lie.

"I'm going to run to the hospital wing and see if Madam Pomfrey has some remedies for dizziness."

Alice rolled her eyes and mumbled, "Okay, but you know I expect a full report later."

I nodded as Mary and Peter waved their goodbyes. I gave Remus a hug. "Good to see you, Remus."

"Definitely, Lily. Let's do this again soon."

I'm not sure if I even mustered a smile as I scurried away from the group. I wanted solitude. My brain was in such a weird state. All I could think about was what was directly in front of me. Like, there was a suit of armor. Lily, don't run into it. There is the trick step. Lily, don't step into it. There is the charms hallway. Lily, walk down it.

I finally arrived outside the hospital wing only to realize I really didn't need to see Madam Pomfrey. I wasn't sick, physically at least.

I struggled to figure out what I could do. I couldn't go to the common room where James and the rest of his teammates would be celebrated.

I walked to the library and sat down with a book on practical daily spells. Each word I read seemed to have no meaning. The struggle made my eyelids heavy. I rested my head on the book, the coolness of the pages soothing on my cheek. I then put the book back on its shelf.

I walked to the owlery. I found a spot not covered in owl droppings and leaned on the ledge. I looked up at Tris, who was sleeping peacefully, and debated whether it was appropriate for me to wake her. I decided I didn't need to, but I sneezed and it stirred her anyway. I was thankful, honestly, when she fluttered down to me and nuzzled her beak against my shoulder. I stroked her head and back and stared absentmindedly across the grounds.

I focused my eyes on the landscapes so that I wouldn't have to face my feelings. The trees, the patches of snow, the shapes of the clouds, the mountain peaks; I'm not sure if I'd ever looked at them so closely but also felt so distant. Every time I blinked, thoughts of James pulled at me with increasing weight.

It's so weird how one day you can think you know everything - and then the next, you're walloped with the reality that you know nothing at all.

I let my thoughts about James finally swallow me. He hadn't pulled the prank on Severus. No, not even close. He had saved Severus. How did this change how I felt about him? Honestly, I wasn't sure. I'd been laboring under the apprehension that James was undateable. Every time my mind wandered to wanting James, I reminded myself, "No, Lily. He's not for you. Remember what he did." But now that I no longer had that line of defense, I was just confused.

James was dateable again, yet I still wasn't sure that I wanted him. He'd treated me poorly, flaunting Bliss to make me jealous and turning me in to Severus. I forgave him for those, but, I don't know, I just wasn't sure if I could date someone so, so, hmm, temperamental? That word didn't suit him properly, but I couldn't think of a better one.

I must have held Tris for an hour at least because the sun was much lower in the sky when I heard a student coming up the owlery steps. I didn't care though. I wasn't going to move. Whoever it was scribbled a note and whistled to summon their owl. I didn't bother to turn around. I'd leave them alone if they left me alone.

"Hi Evans."

I jumped, which startled Tris. "Oof!" I bleated as in her frazzle, she smacked my face with her wing and scratched my arm. She carried herself up to one of the highest rafters, and then turned her back on me. I nervously tried to fix my hair as I continued to stare at her back.

"Er, you okay?"

I kept my back to him as I nodded. "Yes, you just scared us."

I finally turned to look at James. My breath caught, just as it always had, when our eyes met. He had just taken a shower. His hair was wet and his shirt even looked a little damp. I looked down.

"I was sending a letter to my dad," he finally said.

I nodded. My voice wasn't working.

"Er, and sorry about today. If the snitch alarmed you at all."

I shrugged and again lifted my eyes to meet his. "It was a great catch."

The corner of one side of his mouth turned up. I tried to smile back, but I don't think I did because he sighed. He leaned back against the ledge across from me, resting one foot on the wall behind him. He had to be cold, but if he was, he didn't show it. He ran a hand through his hair.

"I really spoiled it, didn't I?" he asked.

I bit my lip.

He took three step towards me. "Lily, I'm so sorry."

I couldn't look away from him. His hazel eyes were wide, compassionate, focused.

"I was so stupid - dating another girl, breaking your trust, and not believing in you."

I nodded, but again I didn't say anything. His eyes. I just couldn't stop looking at them.

He took one step closer to me, closing the gap between us further. He reached out and touched my arm. I looked at it and felt his warm hand against my skin. When I looked back into his eyes, he took another step, our faces now six inches apart.

"James," I breathed.

He closed the gap between our faces. His soft lips met mine gently. My heart fluttered as he pulled me into his body. My fingers tingled as my arms wrapped around his neck. His hand brushed the side of my face as he pressed his lips more intensely into mine. The only knew I knew for certain was that I didn't want him to stop.

.

.

.

.

.

"Miss Evans?"

"Huh?"

"You fell asleep. It's nearly ten."

I looked around myself, the dim light making it hard for me to focus. There were books. Lots of them. I was in the library, the book on practical daily spells open in front of me.

I leaned back in the chair, then tapped the side of my face lightly. Had I really just dreamt _all_ of that?

"We're closing up for the night," Madam Pince said.

I nodded and stood up. "I'm so sorry," I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. "Er, good night."

I had chills as I exited the library. I was still looking around myself, utterly confused. I looked at my forearm. There was no scratch from Tris.

My stomach dropped as the reality struck me. Had I really dreamt about kissing James?

I shook my head as I wandered slowly back to the common room. I had dreamt about kissing James, and in my dreams, I had liked it. I shivered. It wasn't just in my dreams that I liked that. I flashed back to that day at the park. Oh that felt like ages ago - but that kiss - that kiss, I had felt it in my dreams again because it had been _that_ good.

I groaned. Just when I thought I was finally getting over James, my subconscious throws _that_ at me.

"Owl Prowl," I said to the fat lady when I finally reached the portrait hole.

"Out a bit late, aren't you?" she asked, as she swung forward. I didn't respond as I crawled inside.

The common room was quiet, though evidence of an earlier party remained. Red and gold streamers hung from the ceiling, confetti littered the floor, and half eaten pastries cluttered the tables and ledges.

Someone moved from one of the armchairs by the fire, exposing the back of his dark-haired head. As James turned around to face me, I felt my cheeks going hot. I wanted to kick my brain for being embarrassed over a personal dream.

"Hi Evans," he said.

"Hi," I replied quickly. "Er, good game today."

"Thanks. Out late?"

I shrugged. "You know me, the mischief maker."

What was I talking about?

James sort of smiled. I tried to smile back, but it probably just looked like I was in pain because I was mentally punishing myself for that last stupid comment.

He walked towards me from the armchairs. My feet suddenly became rooted to the floor where I stood. When he was a foot from me, he stopped. My eyes found his, and I stared at him, searching for - I don't know - regret, forgiveness, happiness, attraction - but he didn't hold my gaze. He looked down and held out his hand.

"You should have this."

I held out my hand, and into it, he dropped a snitch. I looked at it confused. What was I to do with a snitch?

"It sort of picked you today, you know. Well, 'night, Evans." He gave me a small half-smile before he walked up the staircase to his dormitory.

I sat myself down in an armchair and stared at the fire, rolling the ball in my fingers. I'd never held a snitch before, and rather amazingly, it stayed quite cool. After another unknown amount of time had passed, I finally walked upstairs. I set the snitch on my nightstand before I fell into bed. Thankfully, Alice was asleep and wouldn't pester me until morning.

* * *

**A/N: What a snitch.**


	15. Latent Lily

**A/N: WEEE THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS! They make me :D. **

**Eeek, and I'm SORRY for last chapter. Why I made it a dream? Well, truthfully I had a nightmare that my fiance admitted to me that he had cheated on me back when we had first started dating, and I was so confused when I woke up that I had to wake him up and ask him about it. It was awkward, and well, mostly he laughed at me. But yay, it didn't happen. Eh, but it caused me to morph that chapter into Lily dreaming (at least it was more pleasant than my own!). **

**Upon reflection, that is a weird explanation and possibly too much of a diary entry... apologies.**

**Anyway - making the pact - I will finish this story. Yahoo.**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Latent Lily_

Alice was very interested in my reasons for my absence the previous day. So much so, she even sought out Madam Pince to confirm I'd slept in the library for nearly seven hours. Yes, seven hours was hard for me to explain, but I guess when you're heart and brain are battling and working and debating and confused, well, the rest of your body gets worn out.

Or maybe my subconscious just really enjoyed snogging James. I shivered, and not in a bad way.

I explained to her about what Remus had revealed about James, and she just sort of stared at me, her mouth slightly open.

"So James saved Snape?" she confirmed, to which I nodded.

"Sort of changes things, doesn't it?" she mused.

I shrugged. "I'm not sure."

She frowned.

"Really, I'm not. Doesn't change that James was a jerk."

"But-

"No buts, Alice. James needs to actually apologize to me for me to consider-." I didn't finish the sentence.

"So he still has a shot?" she grinned.

I rolled my eyes.

"Plus, you said he did apologize, that night before the end of term, right after he said and did those awful things."

"Doesn't count."

"Why?"

"Because, I don't know, it was emotional, not genuine."

She raised her eyebrows at me, then narrowed her eyes, clearly trying to read me. "You sure hold him to a high standard."

"Shouldn't I?"

She shrugged. "I guess that's up to you. So what's on your nightstand?"

"What does it look like?" I replied. I was starting to feel annoyed.

"A snitch. Who gave it to you?"

"Potter."

"What for?"

"I don't know."

"Lily," she said knowingly.

"Alice," I mimicked.

"He still likes you, you know. He held onto that snitch all day, his eyes darting to the portrait hole every time someone entered."

I shook my head. "That doesn't mean anything, Alice."

She put one hand on her hip and used the other to poke my chest. "He likes you and you like him. Face your feelings, Lily Evans."

I rolled my eyes as I picked up my bookbag. I didn't say anything to her as I exited from our dormitory.

Later that night, I also removed the snitch from my nightstand.

* * *

In late March, many of the Gryffindor sixth years signed up for apparition lessons in Hogsmeade. I was appropriately 17, though unfortunately, and just barely, so was James. As unlucky chances would have it, the apparition professor, Wilkie Twycross, assigned us to work together.

First we had to do side along apparition, me holding Professor Twycross's hand, and James holding mine. James didn't just hold my hand lightly. He linked his fingers into mine and held tightly. I hated it, seriously, because it felt so good. I couldn't hear a single word the professor said because I was so distracted by the ruddy tingling that started at my fingertips and climbed up my entire arm.

"Miss Evans!" Professor Twycross said, his eyes wide.

"Yes?"

"I've said your name three times now. Are you ready to try on your own?"

I felt the color drain from my face. "Umm, ummm. I'd perhaps like to see one more person go."

Professor Twycross nodded at James and he loosened his hand from mine. My fingers suddenly felt so cold. James disappeared and reappeared five feet from us. He later took his apparition exam and passed it that day.

"Remember Miss Evans, _destination, determination_ and _deliberation_!" Professor Twycross reminded me as he looked at me expectantly.

It took me a few deep breaths before I made my first attempt, and of course, I splinched, leaving my eyebrows a good four feet from me. I had to spend two hours with Madam Pomfrey to get them reaffixed and I'm not sure I'd ever been more mortified. Mind you, it also bloody hurt. I wasn't allowed to take my exam for another two weeks.

Alice tried to be sympathetic, telling me it could have been much worse. After all, I could have left my ears or nose or teeth behind, but as she and Sirius had also apparated correctly their first attempt, it really didn't make me feel better.

* * *

In late April, just after the Easter break, James and I were again paired; this time, in potions. We were the last two students to arrive. I glared at Alice as she smiled angelically back at me from a seat next to Sirius.

I legitimately bit my tongue throughout the whole lesson because I was too stubborn to start a conversation with him. Only once James had asked for me to please pass the snails, did I finally ask for him to pass the beetle legs, which I had needed three ingredients before. Our elbows also brushed twice.

Let's just say, that potion wasn't the best I'd ever brewed.

One of my biggest flaws, potentially, is my stubbornness. Although I like to think my stubbornness keeps me strong on my ideals and morals and values, I know it's also an excuse I hide behind to avoid proactivity.

* * *

I skipped the last quidditch match in late-May, yes, because I didn't want to see James. I still could not figure out how I felt about him. Well, my heart knew how it felt, but my head seemed to disagree.

As I wandered around the deserted castle, I couldn't help but wonder how I was going to get myself out of this funk. I wasn't depressed, but I wasn't happy either. I was doing really well in my classes (other than when I was paired with James) as all I seemed to do these days was study, but even so, I was so far from content.

I had a little less than a month to turn things around for myself, but how was I going to do it? I let a moving staircase determine my next route as I decided to continue to wander aimlessly through the corridors. Perk of living in a magic castle: there's always new places to explore.

"Hey Lily," Sirius said as he emerged from behind a tapestry that housed a hidden corridor. He brushed his long black hair from his brown eyes and smiled.

"Hi!" I replied surprised. I hadn't seen him outside classes all term, so it was almost weird seeing him on a Saturday.

"Just finished my last detention," he sang happily, adding a little whistle.

Wow, he had legitimately had five months of detention? "Well, congratulations! That must be a relief."

"Indeed," he agreed.

We stood in silence for a moment. I hadn't talked to Sirius about what he had done that night before the holiday break. I wasn't sure how he felt about it or if he had any remorse. It made me unsure of what to say next.

He nudged my shoulder, clearly reading my actions. "It's okay, Evans. Even I can admit when I've gone too far."

I nodded, relieved by his admission. "At least no one was hurt. Other than maybe Severus's nose."

"James was just trying to straighten that giant hook," Sirius grinned.

I had to purse my lips to try to hide my smile. Oh, I felt bad laughing at Severus, but I had to keep thinking about him like he was no longer important to me. Talking about him like this though, it gave me a small pang in my gut. Or maybe that pang was from hearing Sirius mention James.

"So I was just going to head to the astronomy tower to catch the end of the match from there. Care to join?" Sirius asked.

I contemplated it for a moment. From the astronomy tower, we'd be too far away to tell who was who tossing around the quaffle. I finally nodded.

"Excellent," he said, linking arms with me, and leading me up the closest staircase. We held casual conversation until we arrived at the tower, Sirius mostly explaining about some of the detentions he'd been forced to perform, like fertilizing the strawberry patches, scrubbing the trophies in the trophy room, cleaning the bed pans in the hospital ward, assisting Filch with some of his normal chores, and pruning the giant flesh-eating shrubs in greenhouse six.

"You definitely haven't inspired me to break any more school rules," I laughed as we turned the corner to the astronomy tower balcony.

"Nor me. No more detentions while I'm at Hogwarts."

"You'll stop pranking?"

Sirius laughed. "No, I just won't get caught."

I rolled my eyes, but in a teasing way.

"You're welcome to join us anytime, Lily."

I laughed awkwardly. Maybe he didn't know James and I had barely spoken all term.

"Can you tell who's winning?" I asked, as I looked out towards the pitch.

"No. It looks like the green side is cheering though, so I bet that means a Slytherin score."

"Bugger," I groaned.

We watched the distant brooms zoom across the pitch without saying anything for a few minutes. We cheered when it looked like a Gryffindor score.

"So why didn't you go to the match?" Sirius asked.

I shrugged, "Just didn't feel like it."

He tilted his head as he looked at me. "You know, Lily. Alice and I, we talk."

"That's nice," I replied. I was going to be very displeased if he started a conversation with me about-

"James is only staying away from you because you asked him to."

Right.

"He still likes you. And he's so sorry, Lily. Really."

I bit my lip as my gut squirmed again. Why was part of me feeling guilty?

"Alice says," Sirius continued, "that you've been subdued all term, and she's convinced it's because of the situation with James. I've been watching you, too. Like that potions lesson where Alice and I made you and James sit next to each other. You were bright red through the whole lesson and you could barely mutter a single word to him. It's clear you like him, too.

"Lily, James won't approach you because he doesn't want to disrespect your last request to him."

I frowned. I wanted to pout about him and Alice forcing me to sit next to James, but I knew that was a pointless complaint. "Why then did he give me a snitch?" I finally asked.

Sirius surprised me and laughed. "He was mortified the next morning. I think he was just testing the waters with you, and well, he said you hardly acknowledged him."

If only Sirius could have known what I had dreamt about earlier that day causing my awkward stammering when I had later seen James. My cheeks flushed and I felt thankful Sirius couldn't access my thoughts. I was pulled back to reality by the boyish grin plastered on Sirius's face.

"I want to point out to you Lily, that I accused you of having feelings for James, and you didn't disagree."

I opened my mouth to utter a protest. "I - I don't..." my voice trailed. He was right, of course. I leaned my head back against the cold stone of the castle's exterior. I looked out at the pitch and noticed no one was flying any longer.

"Match looks over," I said.

Sirius barely looked over his shoulder to confirm my statement. He was clearly more interested in me and my feelings for James. I wanted to slap his stupid grin.

"Look Sirius, I'm not sure how I feel about him. While I appreciate you and Alice trying to push this along - er wait, no I don't appreciate that - but anyway, I need to figure this out for myself."

Sirius ignored me and began to sing, "Lily likes James! Lily likes James!"

I hit him in the arm and he jumped.

"Merlin, Lily," he said, rubbing his arm.

I smiled with satisfaction that my fists could leave a sting. "Don't tease me. And don't you dare go running to James. You do, and I will curse you so badly you'll be in worse shape than if you'd fallen into one of those flesh-eating shrubs."

Sirius's grin was replaced with a long frown. "You don't mean that."

"Do you really want to try me?"

He let out something that sounded like a whimper.

"Don't give me that puppy-like face. Now let's go see if we won, shall we?"

As I exited the tower, he hung his head, like a dog would his tail, and obediently followed.

* * *

And Gryffindor did win, 280 points to 110. Sirius and I arrived back at the common room before most of the fans, and so we sat in the big armchairs as the red and gold supporters filtered in. It had apparently been a well fought game, concluding with another spectacular catch by James as seeker. The team itself wasn't back yet though, apparently delayed by the showers.

At long last, the team arrived, grinning broadly. The whole common room was cheering like maniacs. Sirius left my side, running up to each player yelling and giving hugs. They held out the cup to him like it was also his own. James was the last to enter, and I heard him yell at Sirius something like he was never allowed to have detentions again.

I sat in that chair and stared at James. He was grinning so widely that he had small dimples in his cheeks that I had never noticed before. His glasses were slightly crooked because he kept getting pats on the back. When he hugged Sirius I saw that he had a new gold snitch fluttering in his hand.

"You're the only person not dressed in red in here," Alice said. I hadn't seen her come in, but as I'd been staring at James, I guess that was no surprise.

"My hair is red, so actually I'm always dressed in it," I replied as I looked up at her.

She almost laughed, but she was trying to maintain a stern look. "You should have come to the game."

"I did watch it, with Sirius. He also told me what you guys have been up to."

She looked at me surprised, then bit her lip innocently. "And?"

I shrugged at first, as I looked back at James. He was showing the snitch to a second year. "And I have to go," I said suddenly. I stood up quickly, but Alice grabbed my arm.

"You can't run off from me again," she said. "Remember what happened the last time you kept secrets from me?"

I frowned at her. "It ended with me crying on your bed." I gave her a small smile. "And you'll let me do that again if I need you to, right?"

She rolled her eyes and pushed me slightly.

"Oh, just leave then. And yes, of course."

* * *

I had a hard time getting out of the common room, but once I did, I immediately went to the library. Madam Pince gave me a strange look, like why would a Gryffindor not be celebrating after a win like today, but I ignored her, and headed straight for the section on quidditch. I pulled a stack of books from the shelves including _Quidditch through the Ages, Quidditch Rules and Regulations,_ and _Notable Quidditch Matches of the 21st Century._

I scanned the pages, the words bludger, quaffle, and snitch popping off the pages. No, I just needed snitch.

_The snitch evaded capture for four days..._

_...when the snitch hid in the referee's sleeve..._

_The Romanian seeker mistook a gold watch for a snitch..._

_...the snitch flutters its wings faster than a hummingbird..._

Now that seemed more promising, but on I read, still not finding the secrets of flash memory.

Finally, in a rather battered book called _Quaffled and Bludgered and Snitched, _I came across exactly what I was looking for. The explanation of flash memory, its intricacies, and ways to magic snitches so that they only reveal secrets to its first catcher. I couldn't help but grin. I pulled the snitch from my bookbag - er, yes, when I'd previously said that I had removed the snitch from my nightstand, I had put it in my bookbag, so that I had it with me wherever I went - and I set to work, muttering multiple incantations and tapping the snitch with my wand. After ten minutes, I looked down at the snitch, content. A carving gleamed between its wings; somewhat messy, but still legible.

_One date, Potter, if the offer still stands._

I watched it fade and I couldn't magic back the message. I let out a victorious chuckle for my clever magic and threw the snitch into my bookbag. I restored the books to their proper shelves and set off towards the Gryffindor common room almost at a skip. I couldn't believe I was going to put myself out there like this and reveal to James that I would date him, but Sirius and Alice had been right. I liked James. Obviously. And after my talk with Sirius today, I realized it was up to me to do something about it.

Now to find an opportunity to give it to James.

* * *

It had probably been at least an hour I'd been gone, but the celebration was still going strong in the common room and I realized I had a dilemma - how to get James on his own to give him the snitch. I found Alice sitting with Mary, both munching on some meat pies. Sirius had apparently made a run to the kitchens. I decided to grab a pie, too, and while eating it, I stared rather absentmindedly at James, realizing it was going to be very hard to get him on his own.

"You're drooling," Alice said.

I jumped and quickly wiped my mouth. She laughed, "Not actually, but if looks were actions you'd be undressing him, eh?" She nudged me with her elbow.

"Alice!" I exclaimed, shocked. It took me a few breaths to recover from her comment, and then I quickly snapped back at her. "Don't confuse my wants with your broom closet escapades with Frank."

"Broom closet? Never," she replied sweetly, but she was clearly blushing.

I gave her a sarcastic nod as Mary laughed, and then Mary and I exchanged a victorious grin, to which Alice rolled her eyes.

"Hi," Frank said, joining our conversation.

"So you like broom closets, Frank?" I asked, trying to keep a straight face.

Mary snickered while Alice glowered and Frank just looked confused.

"Let's go," Alice said, grabbing Frank's arm.

"Don't get tangled in any mops!" I called after them, to which Frank started to turn, but Alice just pulled him out the portrait hole.

Apparently I had said that louder than I had meant to and a few people were looking at me, one of whom was James. I fed him a grin, and the look of surprise I received back from him only made me smile wider. Yes, this was a way to get James's attention. He kept looking at me, seemingly shocked that my face held a look of happiness. I decided to try a little experiment and see if James would follow me from the common room. I fed him one last smile and exited through the portrait hole.

I felt stupid waiting in the corridor, but I was rewarded as within no more than two minutes, the Fat Lady swung forward to reveal his messy black-haired head. The butterflies in my stomach began to flutter as he stood to face me. This was the first time I'd held his eye since our fight before winter break.

"Er, hi," he said.

"Hi," I replied. I was suddenly so nervous I could hardly breathe. I reached into my bookbag and pulled out the snitch. "I, uh, wanted to give this back to you." As I handed it to him, my fingers brushed his, and I couldn't help but think about how good his hand had felt in mine that day of the apparition lesson.

He held the snitch and looked at it oddly. I saw the message gleam on the snitch as he held it, but unfortunately the message was facing me, not him. He put the snitch in his pocket.

"Is that it?" he asked.

And suddenly, somehow my brain went completely blank. I wanted to apologize, to take back what I'd said to him, but I just couldn't form words, so I nodded.

"Well, thanks, Evans," and he turned to enter the portrait hole.

"Potter-

He turned. I had another brain malfunction.

"Good match today."

He looked at me sadly, and disappeared through the portrait hole.

I stared at the Fat Lady.

"You coming inside dear?" she asked.

I didn't respond. Instead, I walked over to the wall and banged my head against it.

* * *

**A/N: YAHOO! Still making my 2 week posting schedule (still Friday in Cali)! Sorry if there were many typos... I was eager to post. Would love your thoughts so far!**

**THANKS SO MUCH TO THE PAST REVIEWERS. **


	16. Leaping Lily

**A/N: Shout outs to Eve1980, Hedwig246, flutegirl98, I'mMrRecklessWithACapitalR, writingblondie, katerinagrey, PenguinLover33, Ellen Potter, twilightstargazer, IloveHarryPotter7-21-07, Ranma's girl1, marinewife08, m0ckingbird77, tryagain4me, shimmeringbubbles, roflshvuakomail, fuzzydice123, readerwriterdreamergirl7, Nessa, iluvhedwing4ever and zatl! Thanks sincerely for the reviews! Can't tell you how much the advice and support is appreciated. Ooooo, and zatl, did you get the shirt from WWoHP? If you did, excellent purchase (I got the same one). :)**

**Eeee and sorry for the week late post! This chapter is nearly 1500 words longer than usual, so I do hope you forgive me. **

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Leaping Lily_

I was so ashamed the next morning that I had a hard time getting out of bed. How had I so completely lost my words? The conversation played over and over in my head. Why hadn't I just said 'sorry'? Anything, practically, would have been better than my inarticulate showing.

I turned over and stared at the hangings of my four poster. It was only last year, about this time, that I was laying in this exact position, fuming because Snape had called me a 'mudblood' and James had asked me on another stupid date. I covered my face with my hands as I relished in the fact that I no longer found James's invitation stupid any longer. How did I get here? How did I become this inarticulate, immature school girl carving messages onto snitches?

What would James say when he saw the message on the snitch? Surely he had seen it by now? My stomach lurched as I realized he might not do anything. Why would he want to date me? I had been a stupid, stuttering, stuck-up, snob, ignoring him for almost a whole term.

"Lily?" Alice asked.

"Mmmhmmm."

"Breakfast is nearly over."

At the mention of food, my stomach grumbled and I sighed.

"Do you need to sit on my bed and have a cry?" Alice asked, poking her head inside the hangings.

I laughed as she stared down at me. "No. Not yet, at least."

I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth, washed my face, and threw up my hair into a ponytail. When I looked at my un-showered reflection, my stomach dropped. What if James had read the snitch and was waiting to talk to me and I looked like this?

I sighed, realizing I had to sacrifice breakfast, and jumped into the shower.

* * *

Even though I had curled my hair, James wasn't waiting to talk to me. I purposefully took a stroll around the lake with Alice because I saw him lounging under a willow with Sirius, Remus and Peter, but he hardly looked my direction. So either, he hadn't read the snitch, or he'd read the snitch and, well, his offer to date me no longer stood.

* * *

A week went by, and still, I heard nothing from James. It could have been because schoolwork was beginning to get more time-intensive. Final exams were just a week away, after all. Or maybe he just didn't want to talk to me. I stared at the back of his black-haired head as Professor McGonagall went on about something that surely would be important on our exam, but I didn't care. Whatever James was thinking, I had to find out.

I vowed to myself that I would no longer be that shameful inarticulate creature. Around James, I wasn't going to lose my words. I was Lily Evans, after all, school prefect and renowned know-it-all. Although I was feeling like I no longer knew anything, know-it-alls don't lose their words, and I had a reputation to maintain.

But dang-nabbit, with the mountain of school work layered on top of each sixth years' head, I had no clue how I was going to even spare five minutes for James. I felt my lip curling as Professor McGonagall assigned us yet another 50 pages to read in our Advanced Transfiguration book. Hadn't we covered everything for the final exam? How was she expecting to teach us something new?

Okay, after final exams, I would seek out James. I grumbled to myself at the irony. Me, seeking the seeker. Or was I chasing the chaser? I slapped my hand to my head. I felt so lame that I was thinking of my life as a quidditch match.

* * *

Final exams crawled by. Finally, Professor Slughorn beamed at me as I turned in a vile of perfectly purpled appendage-pickling potion, marking my finish of exams. We students would then have one week of freedom, then receive our exam results, and head home on the Express. I promised myself that in this week, no matter what, I would talk to James.

When I went back to the common room, James and his friends were absent. I disregarded this as I assumed they were out celebrating. However, later, at dinner, I heard the shattering news; Sirius's Uncle Alphard had been killed, it had been confirmed to be at the hand of Death Eaters, and Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter had all left Hogwarts to attend the funeral.

My heart jolted with agony for Sirius. I knew his uncle was one of the few relatives he truly loved, and it seemed so unfair that he would be taken from him when Sirius was still so young. My mind could hardly grasp what it would be like to lose my parents, or my sister, or any person close to me.

I suppose as a muggle-born, I hadn't quite wrapped my brain around the reaches of Voldemort. I read the Daily Prophet, of course, but I never recognized the names of the witches or wizards who were killed or went missing. On occasion, a student would receive the news that a friend or relative had been targeted, and it would always be terrible to see the pain they felt, but never had one of my friends had to endure such sadness. I suddenly hated myself for not better understanding this war.

It seemed the whole hall was abuzz about Sirius's uncle, but when I looked over at the Slytherins, I could see subtle smiles playing on most of the older students' lips. My eyes scanned for Severus, but he wasn't there. I then saw Bellatrix, who was the only person not trying to hide her smile - she wore it like she'd just won a thousand galleons - and I gasped as I realized that if Alphard was Sirius's uncle, he maybe was Bellatrix's uncle, too. Possibly even her father. And she was _smiling_.

I felt sick.

I pushed my food away from me and returned to my dormitory. I pulled out a piece of parchment and my quill and wrote Sirius a note - a rather generic one, just stating I was sorry and I was here if he needed me - and I folded it up to take it to Tris. But instead of taking it to the owlerly, I decided to just leave it in his dormitory. I had no idea where he was, and although I was sure Tris could find him, I didn't want her to trek back to Hogwarts after I had returned home, thinking I would still be here. As most students were still at dinner, I easily snuck into the sixth year boys' dormitory and I set the note on Sirius's nightstand.

I sighed with relief as I noticed the boys' belongings were in the dormitory, so they would be returning to Hogwarts before the expiration of term. I couldn't help but look at James's bed and wish that he was around. I didn't even know Sirius's uncle, but his death made me want to talk to James even more. Life is short. You never know when someone you care will be taken from you. And I realized, with a pang in my chest, that the last thing I wanted was for James to be taken from me with things left unsaid.

* * *

The boys didn't return until the End of Term feast. They were already seated in the Great Hall when I arrived with Alice and Mary, and I felt my breath catch when my eyes met James's. My immediate reaction was to go sit at the opposite end of the table from him, but then I remembered my previous pact to myself - to act normally in front of James, and to not leave things unsaid - and Sirius also was waving me over.

"Thanks for the note, Lily," he said, as I sat down.

"Of course, Sirius," I replied. "I'm so sorry."

"We all are," Alice added, and Mary nodded.

"Thanks," Sirius said. "He left me a nice letter. Apparently he knew it was coming."

My stomach dropped. His uncle knew he was going to die? "Do you know who did it?"

"No. We have suspicions, but no proof," Sirius glowered, looking around at his friends.

"But he left with a fight," James interjected, nodding respectfully. "And he got the better of them anyway, remaking his will." James added a small smile which Sirius returned.

"I'm buying a flat in South Ken to show for it," Sirius said. "I owe it to him completely."

"Wow!" Alice said. "How big is it?"

"Oh it's small - barely two bedrooms," he laughed, "but it's perfect for me."

"We'll have fun this summer," James smiled at him.

"Especially if I get that motorbike," Sirius replied, to which James nodded fervently.

James and I caught eyes momentarily. It made me squirm. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I could act normally.

"So how was Hogwarts been?" Remus asked.

"Pretty lifeless," Alice replied. "Some second year Slytherins tried to perform that prank you all pulled a few years ago - you know, that one where you created that wave in the lake to soak all the people on shore - well, two of them pissed off the giant squid and he sucked them under water a while."

The boys all laughed, and it pleased me to see Sirius a bit happier.

"Not even graduated and already legacies," James grinned. I almost rolled my eyes playfully, but again my eyes met James's. My stomach lurched, making me feel like I'd just eaten something squiggly, but I kept my eyes locked on his. Dumbledore began speaking, but I didn't look away from James. He looked at me curiously, yet his expression wasn't easy to read. Had he seen the message on the snitch? I bit my lip and gave him a small smile. He tilted his head and smiled slightly in return. I could see that he was thinking, but _what_ he was thinking, I had no clue.

Dumbledore finally received my attention when he announced that Gryffindor had secured the house cup for the second year in a row. The cheering from our table was tumultuous, and I screamed even louder when I saw numerous Slytherins roll their scowling eyes.

Throughout dinner and pudding, I maintained casual conversation, and I was proud of myself. We discussed exams, expectations for NEWTs, and summer plans. The boys all seemed very excited by Sirius's new living arrangements, James especially. When I thought about my summer, however, I audibly grumbled that I'd have to be helping with Petunia's wedding planning.

"You have a problem with us pranking the muggle police?" Sirius asked.

"No - I mean, yes, you shouldn't do that - but I just remembered I'll have to help plan my sister's wedding," I replied, sticking my tongue out slightly to show my lack of excitement.

"Oh, I love weddings!" Sirius replied, "Especially with my family - the drama is excellent. You should have seen when my cousin Dromeda married this muggle, Tonks - three duels and four people to St. Mungo's."

"But better yet, no one was watching the bar," James grinned.

"Ah yes, our first firewhiskies," Sirius replied sentimentally.

I laughed. "Okay, I'll try to keep in mind that it _could_ be worse when I'm stuck being bossed around by Petunia all summer."

"Stand up to her, Lily," Alice said.

I shrugged.

"Just because you feel bad that she's not a witch doesn't mean you should let her treat you like the burnt side of a cauldron."

I bit my lip. I had to give Alice credit for shooting it straight. Even though I'd never said it aloud, I did feel bad that Petunia wasn't a witch because if she had been, I'm sure that we would still be friends.

"You mean to tell me that Evans lets someone boss _her _around?" James asked, his eyes playful.

My stomach jumped again when James said my name and I felt my cheeks flush. That was as much of the conversation as I could handle.

"She doesn't boss me around. She just -"

"Tells you exactly what to do and you do it," Alice said.

I smiled sarcastically at her and glanced at my watch. "I have to return some books to the library. I'll see you all back at the common room." I began to stand up.

"I do, too, Evans. Can I come with?"

My heart stopped and I looked up. Had James really just said that? I glanced at all of my friends hoping that I had mistaken his voice.

"Can I?" he repeated.

My body felt stiff, but I nodded.

"Great."

As James stood up, Sirius grinned stupidly from behind James's back.

* * *

I was biting my tongue so hard that my eyes were watering. As we exited the Great Hall and walked towards the common room, I searched wildly for anything to say.

"So how have you been?" I asked weakly.

James nodded as if considering his response. "Okay," he replied. "Funerals are hard, you know? You?"

"Okay, too."

James frowned at my response and I again wondered what he was thinking. We walked for a few minutes until James broke the silence.

"Er, can we pop in there?" He pointed towards an empty transfiguration classroom.

"Okay," I said.

I sat down at one of the long tables and James pulled up a chair across from me.

"Evans," he said. He took a breath, then licked his lips. "Evans," he repeated. His eyes briefly met mine before they returned to looking at his hands.

"Er, that's my name," I said. My heart was pounding, but I was determined to not lose my words.

He smiled slightly. "Right. It's been a while since we met in a classroom like this."

"Indeed," I said. His seriousness was making me nervous.

He looked at me again. "I've been wanting to talk to you for months, but I promise I'll keep leaving you alone if you want me to."

I swallowed. I didn't nod or shake my head, but I didn't need to. He continued talking anyway.

"Do you still hate me?"

I frowned. "I never hated you."

"Sorry, I said that wrong." He paused again and strummed his fingers on the table. "What I mean to say is - well - I'm sorry." His eyes met mine. "I'm sorry for what I said to you and how I acted towards you and... and that I never properly explained myself to you."

He paused and took another breath and looked down at the table. His hand was now in a fist and he thumped it lightly against the wood.

"Evans, I never stopped liking you." He looked up at me, his cheeks tinged red. "Well, you could probably tell that," he said, smiling slightly. "At the start of term, I came up with the idea that if we became friends, well, maybe you would start to like me too." He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. "Crazy, eh?"

No, I didn't find it crazy. Alas, my voice wasn't working to share that fact. However, the corners of my mouth were turning up outside of my control.

"Evans, it wasn't until we came back from that meeting at the Malfoy's and you told me you were scared for _my_ _safety_ that I finally realized that you've been right all along. I'm not good for you. I led you into a dangerous situation without thinking about the risks to you."

His smile was gone, and so was any trace of mine. "Potter-"

He shook his head, "No, I started treating you badly because I was trying to get over you. I tried to distance myself from you, I tried to date someone else, I tried to be mean to you so I would hate myself enough that I would stop wanting you."

I furrowed my brow, trying to make sense of what he was saying. I stopped trying. It made sense, sort of.

"When you left to go to Slughorn's party, I realized I would never stop wanting you. And how you looked at me that night, I thought maybe... maybe something had changed in how you viewed me, too. But then I saw you kiss Severus, and I snapped. It made me so angry that you have this-" he flexed his fingers- "I don't know, power over me." He threw his arms down in a way that looked like he felt both frustrated and defeated. "And I did and said things I completely regret."

"I forgive you for those," I interrupted quickly.

He looked at me surprised and bit his lip slightly. I looked at his lips longer than I meant to. I recovered by speaking quickly. "I mean, I know that people say and do things sometimes that they don't really mean."

"And I didn't mean any of it, Evans, honestly. I'm so sorry."

His hazel eyes were so concerned that I couldn't help but smile again. This was the apology that I had told Alice I needed from James. Had she put him up to this? I didn't care. I liked it, and I appreciated it more than I could express.

"Potter, I've actually wanted to apologize to you."

His hazel eyes expanded. This was it. Now or never, Lily. Voice. Work. I coughed slightly.

"I-I." My thoughts were jumbled and I clasped onto the first one I could find. "I thought you pranked Severus. Remus told me what happened though, that you saved him."

James looked down and slumped his shoulders slightly. That wasn't the reaction I expected.

"What are you thinking?" I asked.

His eyes stayed on the table as he asked, "Do you love Snape?"

I choked. I was _not_ expecting that. I almost wanted to laugh at him, but his face was so serious that I realized I had to give him an answer.

"No," I said firmly. "I just care about him."

I shook my head at James's unconvinced expression.

"He told me what magic is. He answered so many questions for me when I was so confused by the weird things I could do. It built a level of friendship between us that, I don't know, has made it so I will always care about him. But like I told you before, we're no longer friends. I haven't talked to him since last term. Not a word."

"You haven't talked to me, either."

"I have," I argued, laughing slightly. "Twice. I mostly stuttered, but I did try." James still looked downcast, but my confidence was beginning to build.

"Let me start over," I said. "When you and I started to become friends, I _did_ like it. I was surprised and taken aback myself because, well, like you know very well, I've disliked you since I met you."

James finally smiled again. "Yes I know."

"Seriously though, those meetings we had, I looked forward to them. And our trip to the Malfoy's - I overreacted. Honestly, not until Sirius's uncle was killed did I understand the severity of this war. I'm so proud that we played some role in delaying or maybe preventing Voldemort from recruiting some of the Slytherins. I was worried about your safety, Potter, but I know that you can handle yourself, too."

He nodded, looking thoughtful.

I took one deep breath. "I've judged you unfairly. I misjudged your motives and rational when we went to the Malfoys, and I mistakenly assumed you had pranked Severus. For that, I'm sorry. And for that, I don't want you to leave me alone forever."

His eyes looked brighter. "I thought you giving me that snitch back was you telling me you wanted nothing to do with me."

I laughed awkwardly. Apparently he _hadn't_ seen the message on the snitch. I debated whether to tell him what I had carved onto it. I wanted to, but the words didn't form.

"You're red," he said.

"I'm always red," I replied. I glanced at the clock on the wall because I was feeling self-conscious, not because I wanted to leave.

James glanced over his shoulder to see where I was looking. "Do you need to return those books?"

"No. I did that yesterday," I admitted.

"You made it up?"

I narrowed my eyes. "Do you have books to return?"

"No," he laughed.

"So you made it up?"

"Smooth, Evans," he said. "And yes, I wanted to talk to you."

"Did you say everything you wanted to?"

He looked at me as if considering me. "I think so."

"You think so?" I pressed, sitting up straighter. It felt so good to finally talk to James _normally_. Although in general he made my heart race, his expressions and responses made me ... _comfortable_.

He fed me his half-smile and I felt my insides melting. "Well, may as well get it all out on the table, right?"

I nodded, even though I still had a few things left unsaid.

He ran his fingers through his hair as a bit of red again tinged his cheeks. "Remember at the start of the year, when you and I were making predictions on what would happen this term?"

I nodded. "Yes, you wouldn't tell me your prediction, of course."

His eyes crinkled behind his glasses as he smiled. "I know, and well, since it's the end of the year, I want you to know I predicted you'd finally agree to go on a date with me. I know it didn't come true, but well, for next year..."

My heart was skipping in my chest. I bit my lip, trying to contain my smile. "Potter, you should look at-"

A sudden whooshing noise made us both turn around. "If it isn't Potter and Lilyyyy!" Peeves exclaimed, a spinning bow-tie rotating under his chin. I couldn't help but frown at Peeve's horrendous timing. He began bouncing around the room, singing our names.

"Potter and Lily, Potter and Lily, Lily and Potter, Lily and Potter! Weee!"

"Let's go," James muttered, standing up. He waved his wand as we exited the classroom, and a wad of tissues from Professor McGonagall's desk balled up and flew into Peeve's nose. I laughed as Peeves zoomed out of the room cursing.

"Wicked!" I said.

James grinned in response, but he suddenly looked at me seriously, clearly searching for a reaction to his previous revelation. "So-"

"Hey!" a voice called.

I turned around and Sirius, Remus, Peter, Mary and Alice were approaching us. Apparently they were just returning from dinner.

"Did you return your books already?" Alice asked.

I nodded lamely and lied, "Just finished."

"Go well?" Sirius asked, winking.

I laughed at him to avoid response.

"Yes, fine," James said, slapping Sirius on the shoulder.

As we walked back to the common room, Sirius talked on and on about this motorbike he wanted. I glanced at James a few times, wishing we had been alone just thirty more seconds.

When we arrived back in the common room, Alice and Mary made it clear that they were going upstairs to finish packing. I caught James's eye, so frustrated that I couldn't continue talking to him. His expression seemed to match mine.

"You coming, Lily? I need your help sorting out our clothes," Alice said.

"Yeah," I replied, glancing one last time sadly at James. I tried to will him to look at the snitch telepathically. Alas, it failed.

* * *

Next day I sat with Mary, Alice, Frank, Bryce, and the other 7th year Gryffindor boys on the Hogwarts Express. I was quiet, my mind continually wondering how I was going to talk to James before the summer break. I couldn't fathom the idea of waiting until next fall to let him know my feelings, and likewise, this wasn't exactly something I wanted to put into a letter. What if Sirius got his paws on it?

The interruption in our conversation the previous night had figuratively left the quaffle in my possession, and I needed to make my move to toss it back to him. But James was undoubtedly in a compartment with Remus, Sirius, and Peter, and it wasn't exactly like I could just stroll in there and ask for a word.

I excused myself for my prefect patrolling duties just after lunch. Alice was snoozing on Frank's shoulder anyway, and Mary was blushing furiously as she played Bryce in wizard's chess. They wouldn't miss me.

I began my walk down the train's hallway, disinterestedly looking into the compartments' windows for wrongdoers. The atmosphere was much calmer than the start of term.

James and his friends were sitting about halfway down the train. They were stretched out and relaxed, laughing at something Sirius was saying. I didn't let my eyes linger long on their compartment window as I continued down the corridor. I absentmindedly stared into more compartment windows, wondering if on my way back I could somehow request a moment of James's time. But for what? Sirius wouldn't let me just waltz in there without grilling me about my intentions.

I lightly kicked the back wall of the train in frustration before turning back around. WhenI turned, however, I jumped. Facing me was a familiar black-haired boy.

"Hi," James said.

"Hi," I said quickly.

I stared at him a moment. I was shocked that he was here, the corridor was quiet, the last compartment was empty.

"I, er, saw you walk by," he said.

"Yeah, I'm on patrol. Woo," I replied, twirling my finger to show my mock enjoyment.

"Fun," he smiled. His eyes met mine. Although my stomach was filled with butterflies, I somehow had a surge of confidence ... or recklessness. My turn to pass the quaffle.

"Duck in here?" I asked, pointing to the empty compartment.

He nodded and held the door open for me. I took a few steps into the compartment and turned around to face him. He quietly shut the door behind him and turned to face me. We had maybe two feet between us.

"So, Potter," I said.

"So, Evans," he replied. His eyes were bright.

This was it. My turn to pass the quaffle - to take a leap. "Do you still have that snitch I gave back to you?"

He looked at me surprised as he nodded his head, making his messy black hair fall into his eyes. Then he plunged his hand into his pocket and pulled out the fluttering gold ball. He held it out to me.

My mouth went dry. I didn't expect him to have it _with_ him. I stared from him to the ball, my cheeks hurting I was blushing so intensely. "Er, I have to get back to my patrols, but um, take a closer look at it."

I tried to dodge around him and reach for the compartment door, but he grabbed my hand. A jolt surged through my arm at the feel of his fingers on my skin, causing my breath to catch in my chest. He used his other hand to hold the snitch closer to his face. He squinted his eyes behind his glasses as he looked closely at the front of it. My feet tingled and my stomach felt hollow. I quite literally wanted to die as I waited for his reaction.

His eyes suddenly widened in surprise.

"You did this?" he asked, turning the snitch around to show me the message.

_One date, Potter, if the offer still stands._

I nodded, my face burning.

"How long has it been here?"

"Since I gave it back to you," I muttered, not looking at him.

He laughed. He put the snitch back in his pocket and used that hand to lift up my chin. His other hand was still holding onto mine.

"Thank you," he beamed, looking me directly in my eyes. "And yes, the offer definitely still stands."

The floor was suddenly again beneath my feet. James had read the snitch and ... and he was smiling. He took a step closer to me, making me suddenly realize we now had mere inches between us. My stomach squirmed.

"James," I breathed, "I - I - I." Merlin's backside, I couldn't find words again.

"You used my first name," he said with a small smile. "That's the first time, you know."

I thought I was nodding, but I was shaking my head. Bloody hell, why was I shaking my head?

He frowned and took a step away from me but - I have no idea what made me do it - I clinched my fingers around his and pulled him to me, closing the space between us.

He was surprised when I kissed him. It took him a moment to respond when I pressed my lips against his. But when he did, chills ran up my spine and extended to my fingers. His lips felt soft, sweet, as mine met his repeatedly. A hunger lit inside me. I never wanted this feeling to end.

He pressed his body against me so that I felt the fluctuations of his chest with every short breath he took. As I wrapped my arms around his neck, one of his hands brushed my face and found my hair and the other pressed tightly to the small of my back. He pressed his lips harder against mine. Somehow my back was against the compartment door. I needed oxygen and I didn't care.

I had never felt anything so good, so sweet, so perfect.

He kissed my neck, my jawbone, my cheek, and again found my lips. He bit my bottom lip lightly. I shivered so intensely I audibly gasped.

A clatter down the train slammed us back to reality.

I pulled back slightly and James did the same. We were both breathing heavily and I was pleased to see his smile matched mine.

"I've been dying to do that since last summer," he said.

"You and me both," I said.

He looked at me surprised and I laughed at him. The noise sounded again, making us both turn to look out the compartment window. This part of the corridor was still empty, but it reminded me of my prefect duties. "You know, I'm supposed to be on patrol."

He glanced at his watch. "Yes, and my friends will be wondering where I've been."

I frowned.

"Don't worry," he laughed. "I'm not telling them anything."

He pressed his lips lightly against mine once more. He tried to pull away, but I didn't let him and he conceded. He felt so wonderful-

Another clatter made us stop.

"I can't wait to see what that is," I said sarcastically.

"I hope you give them a years worth of detentions," he replied.

I laughed at him. I reluctantly pulled myself away from him, opened the compartment door, and walked back into the train corridor. I looked back at him one final time. He smiled and my breath caught. Merlin, I was liable to suffocate, the way he took my breath away. As I walked to the source of the noise, I pinched myself. This time, I definitely wasn't dreaming.

* * *

**A/N: Blargh, enough fluffy stuff! Ahh... ooo goodness, I'm bashful about this post. Your thoughts appreciated. Yep.**

**So I just found school papers from a creating writing summer program I did in high school at St. Andrews University in Scotland. In a note on my final portfolio, the professor wrote that I needed to pursue poetry. He also wrote that it'd be a real waste if I continued to write fanfiction. As this chapter makes this my longest story - wowa - EVER - I suppose he wouldn't approve of its current word count. :\**


	17. Lovesick Lily

**A/N: erm, hiiiiiiiii. - smiles sheepishly - oh, throw tomatoes at me! My long break has been unforgivable. My excuse - I've been cheating on fanfiction with original fiction! I feel like Kristen Stewart (but in a literary sense only, of course)! eurgh, not funny? T'was my attempt to divert the throwing of tomatoes to someone other than me. Still not funny .. sorry. Blah, I dislike me too. **

**But seriously, THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS. I am so unbelievably stoked this story passed 200, can't even tell you. Legit, WOW. :) :)**

**Welp, sorry again for the major delay - Nessa, you inspired me to get this out a week before originally intended, so thanks. Onwards!**

* * *

Live - Love - Lily

_Lovesick Lily_

Thank goodness Alice was sleeping on Frank's shoulder when I returned to our compartment on the train. I couldn't wipe the stupid grin off my face no matter how hard I tried. I began to read old school text books to try to reduce my gleefulness, and even though I kept telling myself over and over to get a grip, I somehow found joy in reading about transfigurations of moderate sized mammals to kitchen appliances. How inhumane.

When we arrived in London, I managed to escape Alice and Mary with quick goodbyes and promises to see them this summer. Alice was still groggy, or she definitely would have been questioning why I seemed so elated to see Petunia. I saw James on the platform and I loved the look in his eye as he tried to hide his smile from Sirius.

Even as I rode home with my parents and Petunia, Petunia's constant chattering about wedding planning didn't bother me. She mentioned putting in orders for the bridesmaid dresses, and with a grin I was able to ask her who was in the bridal party.

I stared out the window, continually pursing my lips as I thought about kissing James. I couldn't wait to kiss him again.

"What is with you?" Petunia asked.

I shrugged, "It's summer!"

"You've never been excited to leave Hog- your school before," she said.

"Lily can be excited to come home, Petunia," my dad interrupted.

"It is possibly my last summer home after all," I nodded.

"Don't remind me," my mum said sadly from the passenger seat.

"Any idea of what you want to do?" my dad asked.

"Possibly join something called the Auror unit. It's kind of like... Scotland Yard."

"Would you have to travel a lot?" my mum asked.

"Maybe," I shrugged.

"Well then I'm not letting you out of my sight all summer. Every day, Lily, you are to spend with me."

"Perfect," I laughed.

But even though I had said the words, I'm not sure I understood what I was saying. Merlin, I was graduating in a _year_. Next summer I would be... Merlin, who knew what I would be doing? Anything was possible, honestly. How had time at Hogwarts flown by so quickly?

I nodded as I agreed with myself that a year was still a long time though, and next year at Hogwarts was going to be the best yet. I grinned and bit my tongue as I wondered what it would be like to publicly date James.

I laughed at myself. I had had a momentary panic attack about graduation, and then had completely forgotten it because of James. Merlin, I was already lovesick.

"Something is up with you," Petunia muttered so our parents couldn't hear.

"Just so happy to see you, sister dear," I quietly said back.

She narrowed her eyes while I grinned.

* * *

My mother was true to her word. She literally wanted to spend every second with me, and although I did enjoy her company, after about a week, I was struggling to stay calm. Honestly, all I wanted to do was daydream about James. I was growing eager to see him again, and grumbled audibly to myself on multiple occasions that I very well may not see him until September the first.

It was early morning when I looked towards my window, the first rays of daylight seeping under the curtains. I relished in the silence, the seclusion. I wondered what James was doing - whether he was still sleeping, or maybe up playing quidditch, or eating. If he could eat anything, what would it be? I thought about writing James a letter, asking him that exact question. But what more would I say? I played with sentences in my head as I snuggled deeper into my covers. And just as I again closed my eyes, someone knocked on my bedroom door. I looked at my clock. It was just fifteen after seven.

Seriously, don't parents know teenagers need their sleep?

My mum cracked the door open. "Lily, dear, we've received an owl that you will have a visitor in thirty minutes."

I sat up. "Who?"

"It doesn't say," she said, holding out the letter to me written on Ministry of Magic letterhead.

_Dear Mr. and Mrs. Evans,_

_We would like to discuss with you a summer internship opportunity for your daughter, Lily, at one our of the most prestigious units. We will be arriving at fifteen minutes prior to eight._

I turned the note over. It wasn't signed. That was it? I looked at my mother confused and she shook her head, "I'm not letting them take you away from me."

"But mum-"

"That school has you eighty percent of the year. Don't even think about it, Lily," and she shut the door with a snap.

Well, that was abrupt. I rolled out of bed and into the shower to try to wash away some of my sleepiness, though the intrigue of who was contacting me worked just as well to wake me as the warm water. I found it peculiar that the ministry would be writing me, and not specifying their identity. After ten minutes with my makeup brushes and my hairdryer, I walked downstairs to see my parents sitting tensely on the living room couch. Petunia was sitting at the kitchen table, looking a ghostly white. I was very thankful Vernon wasn't here.

"Take a breath, will you all?" I said walking into the kitchen and throwing a piece of rye bread into the toaster.

My father stood up and walked into the kitchen to where I was leaning on the counter waiting for my toast to further brown. "I'm on your side," he mumbled.

I looked at him concerned as I whispered, "I didn't know we had sides already, dad."

"Your mum thinks so."

I glanced over at her sitting on the couch, her arms firmly folded across her chest. As I walked back into the living room, my toast with me on a plate, my mum began vehemently muttering.

"They're always so abrupt. With your Hogwarts letter, we had just an hour warning before that Dumbledore arrived before he requested to wisp you away to boarding school! I didn't even want you to go to boarding school! And now, their writing you without even signing a name! We don't even know who's visiting, or how many! Or where they are from or where they will want to take you!"

"It may be confidential, mum. And they may not be taking me anywhere," I said.

She glared at me for a moment, but then her expression softened. She scooted over on the couch, clearly inviting me to sit next to her.

"I'm sorry," she said as I took the seat. "I just like having you home."

"And I like being home," I laughed at her. "I'm not dying, you know, so I'll be home again. And who knows if I'll even want the position?"

The door bell rang.

"I'll get it," my father said.

I nearly choked on my toast when the mangled man walked into the room.

Clunk. Clunk.

"Alastor Moody," he said to my father, holding out a heavily scarred hand. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. His pegged leg rattled our hardwood floor. He shook my mother's hand and she seemed to be not breathing like me.

I was so distracted that I missed the second man walk into the room and introduce himself. In fact, I didn't see him until he was standing right in front of me. He looked far more normal, apart from the fact that his skin was tinged green.

Who _were_ these people?

"Hi Lily," the green man said. "I think you know my son, James."

My stomach jumped when he said James's name. Once I get over his likeness to a frog, I could see the resemblance between father and son. Messy hair - though Mr. Potter's was now gray - glasses, hazel eyes, a mischievous grin.

"We're here to offer Lily a position in the Auror department for the summer with the Ministry of Magic," Mr. Potter explained, turning to my parents.

My dad glanced at me, clearly recognizing the 'Auror' name that I had mentioned in the car. I nodded to him with an eager smile.

"It will consist of a series of self defense and mild detective operatives, as well as critical analytics," Mr. Potter continued.

"We're the top department in the Ministry," Moody added in a low growl. "We offer the best training and experience."

My father nodded his head, but my mother still did not look pleased. Whether she was displeased about the internship or the appearance of the visitors, I wasn't sure.

"What is the commitment?" she asked.

"Tuesday through Thursday, approximately 9 o'clock to 4 o'clock. Some occasional night meetings as well," Mr. Potter said. "It's an excellent opportunity for her to network and secure a position after her next school year."

My mother pursed her lips, and she just opened her mouth to say something additional, Petunia let out a loud gasp, which captured all of our attention.

James had walked through the open front door. He had on a green shirt, tight jeans, and shiny white trainers. His black hair was messy, of course, as he ran his left hand through it. My heart skipped. My chest tingled. He looked _good_.

"Er, hi, Petunia?" he said, holding out his hand to her, that half smile lighting up his face. She shook it. "I'm James. Congratulations on the engagement."

"Thank you," she mumbled. Was she actually blushing?

I hiccuped a laugh, forcing it into a cough as both Mr. Potter and my mother turned to look at me. Apparently both Evans have an attraction issue to James.

"This is my son, James," Mr. Potter said as James walked over to his side. I caught his eyes briefly. They were playful. I had to bite my lip to stop my smile.

"Pleasure to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Evans," James smiled. "Lily and I are classmates in school. She's impossible to beat for the top marks."

My turn to blush. My dad nudged me on my arm. "That's my girl," he said.

"This is the best program we could be accepted into as students," James explained, "Hardly any departments even offer summer programs so this will give us a huge head start for our careers."

"How many other students will be in the program?" my mother asked.

"Eight. It's highly competitive," Moody grunted.

My mum folder her arms across her chest again. She narrowed her eyes at James, clearly calculative. "She can do it," she said slowly - I grinned, but she kept going - "As long as you two don't spend too much time alone." She gave both me and James a very piercing look.

"Mum!" I gasped, but James just smiled.

"You have my word, Mrs. Evans," he said.

"I'll be overseeing the program, too," Mr. Potter assured her.

"Well, that's settled then," my father announced, putting his arm around my mother.

"Indeed," I replied, giving them both small smiles and rubbing my mom's arm, trying to show how much I appreciated her consent.

"So starting tomorrow?" I asked Mr. Potter and Moody.

Mr. Potter nodded, "We'll show you how to get there now."

My mother opened her mouth, clearly to object, but he assured her, "We'll have her back in an hour."

"I'll see you soon," I said to her, eager to get out of the house before she changed her mind. I glanced at Petunia as I passed the kitchen, and almost laughed again as she was stubbornly looking down at the floor, but her eyes flicked multiple times to James.

We exited the house and walked outside for a few minutes before Mr. Potter said in a hushed voice, as if my mother could still hear him, "That was perfect timing, James."

"We had her," Moody disagreed.

Mr. Potter rolled his eyes and explained to me, "Moody doesn't realize he's about as charming as a pigeon."

Moody growled.

"A scraggly, mangy pigeon," Mr. Potter clarified. "And since I caught dragon pox, I've become as appealing as a turtle."

"Slug," Moody protested.

Mr. Potter ignored him and continued. "So James has been helping us a bit. You know, seeing another normal student sometimes helps appease the nervous parent. And somehow he always knows the right things to say."

I glanced at James and he grinned. I snickered because I now understood where James first began to develop his big head. James looked at me confused. "What?" he mouthed, but I ignored him.

"What's Dragon Pox?" I asked Mr. Potter.

"Oh, just a sickness, kind of like that muggle chickenpox. I've been told I'm no longer contagious."

"You should have seen him a few weeks ago - couldn't tell him apart from a Common Welsh Green," Moody growled.

"Thank you, Alastor. Now watch your step, Lily." Mr. Potter said. We had begun to hike through some vegetation on the opposite side of the park - of course, I also noticed it was also very close to where Severus had revealed to me I was a witch.

When we were below a willow tree, Moody said, "This looks about right."

"Now you can apparate, correct Lily?" Mr. Potter asked.

"Yes," I replied tentatively. I was licensed to, but I hadn't exactly practiced.

"You'll do side-along with James for your first time. He'll show you where to go," Mr. Potter assured me.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"We'll tell you once we're there," Moody growled.

James held out his hand as Mr. Potter and Moody disappeared. He had a stupid grin planted on his face that made him utterly charming. Of course, I reached out and accepted his hand, and he so rapidly pulled me into him I had to gasp.

"I've missed you," he muttered into my ear, his nose brushing my cheek. My heart lept into my throat as a chill ran down my spine. Yes, we still had chemistry. I couldn't help but giggle, and felt so lame for it.

"Likewise," I finally managed to say. His chest was pressed against mine and I could feel his breathing.

Why? Why did he feel _so_ _good_? He held my hand tightly with one hand, and held me close to him with his other. My lower back tingled where his hand rested.

"I thought you promised my mum we wouldn't spend time alone," I muttered, and then I felt my cheeks flush. _Why_ did I say that?

He laughed, which reached his hazel eyes. "I promised not very much time alone," he corrected me. "And as we need to leave in, oh, about twenty seconds, I'm not wasting another breath."

He kissed me. Merlin's beard, was it intense, invigorating, stimulating, refreshing - the touch of his lips lit something inside of me so unlike anything I had felt before. To describe it was impossible. I pulled away, not because I wanted to, but because I knew James's father would begin wondering what was taking so long.

"Right," James nodded, knowing my actions meant we needed to leave. He lowered his lips one more time briefly, which I couldn't help but pull away from with an extremely silly grin.

"Do you remember how to apparate, Evans - er Lily?" he asked.

I rolled my eyes and playfully punched him on the shoulder. "Yes, _James_, or at least, I think."

"Well, here goes," he grinned.

Blah, I hated the suffocating, squishing, body-constricting feeling of apparition, but I loved the feel of my hand in James's.

Within moments, we slammed into a room with white popcorn walls partially covered by Gryffindor posters and posters of winking witches. A squishy-looking moss green couch was the only piece of furniture in the room, sitting on top of some extremely shaggy brown carpet.

"Where -" I started, but Sirius bounded out of another room. I quickly dropped my hand from James's.

"You're back, Jamsie!" he screeched.

James laughed. "Yes, a full hour of separation, Padfoot, so dreadful."

"And so very nice to see you, Lily dear," Sirius said, bowing rather gracefully.

"You, too, Sirius," I too laughed. "Is this your place?"

He looked up at me and nodded with excitement. "Like it? Want a tour?"

"Ye-"

"Not now," growled a voice. Moody and Mr. Potter had emerged from another room.

"Miss Evans," Mr. Potter said. "You'll be apparating here, as will a few other students. From here, we'll give you another location to apparate to, but we want multiple apparitions to keep the trail as difficult to follow as possible."

"We won't be going to the Ministry?" I asked confused.

Mr. Potter momentarily looked taken aback. "I'm sorry. We didn't explain ourselves properly," he glanced at Moody uncomfortably. "The Ministry guise, that was to appease your parents. This isn't _actually_ a Ministry program."

"Ministry is too corrupt," Moody grumbled.

"This is a training program - the best there is honestly," Mr. Potter said.

"What kind of training?" I asked.

"Training to fight those supporting Voldemort, and of course, Voldemort himself," Moody growled.

Mr. Potter took a breath then said, "It's training to become an active member in the group we call the Order of the Phoenix."

I looked from Mr. Potter to Moody to Sirius to James. James nodded.

The Order of the Phoenix? I shrugged.

"Sounds good. I'm in."

* * *

**A/N: BAM! POSTED! Hope you liked. Weeeeee bit of a filler chapter for more fun to come. Feedback appreciated. Yup.**


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